I haven't updated in ages. First off, my computer died. Thankfully, I've been able to use my husband's computer. So I hop on every now and then to do the basic computer-type things.
Second, I have been stuck at about 405-409lbs forever. I really dislike hitting plateaus!!! They are so frustrating, I have to tell you. So this morning I decided to add some more exercise to my routine. I went to bed at 10:30 and got out of bed at 5:30. I came downstairs and I did some stretching then got on the treadmill and did some running. Now running, I only did 1.5 minutes of and stopped. That's ok with me, because when I use to not be able to walk, I only started out at about a minute and now I can walk everywhere! So, babysteps. This is my first day and I am not dissapointed.
So good things have happened since my last post. In November, I went to Georgia to visit my friend Jamie who I haven't seen since 2008. While I was there, we went to the grocery store so I could pick up some food to eat. That was my first walk around a store since I had lost all that weight and it was, for me, exciting. I hadn't walked around a grocery store, or any kind of store, in a long time. Well over a year, maybe even two years. Very thrilling. I loved it. My legs held up great! My back hurt when we left, but that's to be expected.
Back here at home, we have a screen enclosed porch attached to the back of the unit we live in on base housing. We haven't used it since moving in years ago so it was dirty and had spiders and webs. Well, since becoming friends with my neighbors, who used theirs, I really wanted to clean mine out and buy some chairs and a table for it to hang out in. My neighbor, Courtney, lent me her hose and I washed it out by myself. It took about 40 minutes or so and I got it all cleaned out. It looked great and I felt really proud of myself for doing it. My husband helped me clean the mold off the paneling and wood, mostly because I'm short and couldn't reach it all by myself, haha!
After that, we went to Walmart together and we picked out a nice metal and glass table and two canvas chairs for the enclosed space. I love it. It looks fantastic and I completed that project and did shopping for it. I really feel good about doing these things.
Thanksgiving went well! My husband, son and I spent our Thanksgiving with our friends. Everyone brought a dish and we all ate together. I had never done anything like that and it was so wonderful. I had a great time and I didn't feel weird about eating around people. I didn't feel like people were staring at me either. Also, I didn't over eat at all and I didn't feel the need to stack up my plate with food.
Therapy is going well. I've been working on the issues I need to, to have the surgery. But recently I found out that my Nana (my mother's mother) had thyroid problems, and my mother just had her thyroid removed and this issue has come up with my doctor as well. Due due my hair loss, my facial hair growth, my polycystic overies and some bloodwork issues I'll have to see an endocrynologyst before considering surgery. This is ok though, because if there are issues with my body, I want them taken care of so I can be healthy, especially if this means that I don't need to have surgery. In the meantime, I am not giving up on my healthy eating and exercise.
Another exciting event for me was moving from sleeping on the couch to sleeping in my bed again with my husband. For a long time, because of my weight, I wasn't able to sleep in my bed. It was too painful on my knees, neck, back and stomach. Now I can sleep in the bed once more. It's great. I get a much better night sleep than I ever did on the couch. The couch was actually starting to cause me severe discomfort. It's also good to be back in the bed with my husband. I hadn't slept with him for years.
My husband and I also went out on a date recently! I haven't been out on a date with him in ages. Mostly because I have issues about eating in public. We decided to go to a buffet for lunch which I was concerned about, not because of eating in front of people, but because it was a buffet that does Chinese, Japanese, American, Hibachi and Sushi. I haven't binged in well over 8 months but I do still over eat sometimes.
I feel I did great though. The only fied food I had was pork fried rice and because I always measure my food at home, I'm pretty good at eyeballing my servings and I gave myself about 1/4 cup of that. I didn't even fill my plate and I only made one trip. I did lots of vegetables and their vegetables were great there! They weren't soggy at all, lots of crisp veggies. Though I stayed away from most of the stuff that was in sauces due to high sodium. The best part of the meal for me though was the sushi, which is my favorite. I had four pieces (they were smaller than the sizes of a American quarters). To drink I had water, which is what I always drink at home.
When I left the resteraunt, I felt full and not like I was going to die from having stuffed myself which was a good feeling so I was proud of how well I did at the buffet. So that was the first time I had eaten out since 2008, which was also the last time I was with Jamie. She and I had gone out to Applebees when she came to visit.
So that's what's happened since my last update. I'm sure there has been more I've left out, but I'll try to update again before Christmas. There is a lot going on, both my mother and my husband's are coming to visit so we have to get the house ready. Looking forward to that. Also have a Christmas party on the 17th! I can't believe I'm going to a Christmas party! This is a big deal for me, because I never use to socialize and now I have friends. I'm sure I'll write about it.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Making New Goals
I don't even know where to start, other than to say, "Man, I have really neglected my writing here." It's true, I wish I could say, "I've been so busy!" or "Life sure has been hectic lately!" It hasn't been. At all. Life has been normal and fine. I've just been incredibly lazy about writing on this thing.
What I have been doing, however, is a lot of thinking after going to several doctor appointments and going through a three hour glucose test. Turns out that despite dropping 60 points and my 3 month sugars actually going from 6.2 down to 5.0, my fasting glucose has gotten worse. I asked my doctor how this is possible since March since I've gone down in weight, added exercise to my daily routine and improved my diet drastically and she says she doesn't know.
My therapist hinted it was something I was doing. I think she might have insinuated that I've been cheating with my foods. How is that possible? I have been losing weight! That kind of made me angry, but whatever. I'm over it, because I know I haven't been. Hell, since the 3 hour glucose test, and being put on another medication, I have swapped out foods to reduce my carb intake further so I can make sure I am eating my healthiest.
Some of these things were instead of honey ham I've switched to baked ham, instead of honey wheat bread I've switched to whole wheat bread. I don't use sugar anymore, but I wasn't using sugar anyway. I switched to sugar substitute a while back. I haven't drank sodas in who knows how long. Not even diet sodas. It's either water or crystal light.
But with these recent health issues, including the fact that I had that cellulitis problem for over a month requiring 2 antibiotics to combat (one cycle over three weeks long), I've come to a decision to go ahead with the gastric bypass surgery. Though this decision was not made lightly and it was made with the help of my husband's input, I felt that in the end it was far better for my heath that I do this.
Today I had therapy with my cognitive behavioral therapist and we discussed this. While she felt that my reasons for the decision were good, I wasn't where I needed to be to have the surgery. I didn't agree with her and when she asked what time frame I was looking at for the surgery and I said the next three months, she definitely felt that I was pushing myself despite the fact that I haven't binged in so long I can't even remember and that I no longer over eat.
Honestly, I cried. I was angry to hear this. But I don't want to trip up after the surgery if I'm really not ready and hurt myself by binging. So we're going to go ahead and continue to work on what we need to in therapy so I can get where I need to be so I can have a successful surgery and be healthy afterward. That's what I want.
In the meantime, I'm going to go ahead and continue with my exercise, weight loss and eating healthy like nothing has changed. There is no reason to give any of that up because that is a lifestyle change that I intend to keep forever. Those all feel good anyway, and I like the way I feel with those changes.
What I have been doing, however, is a lot of thinking after going to several doctor appointments and going through a three hour glucose test. Turns out that despite dropping 60 points and my 3 month sugars actually going from 6.2 down to 5.0, my fasting glucose has gotten worse. I asked my doctor how this is possible since March since I've gone down in weight, added exercise to my daily routine and improved my diet drastically and she says she doesn't know.
My therapist hinted it was something I was doing. I think she might have insinuated that I've been cheating with my foods. How is that possible? I have been losing weight! That kind of made me angry, but whatever. I'm over it, because I know I haven't been. Hell, since the 3 hour glucose test, and being put on another medication, I have swapped out foods to reduce my carb intake further so I can make sure I am eating my healthiest.
Some of these things were instead of honey ham I've switched to baked ham, instead of honey wheat bread I've switched to whole wheat bread. I don't use sugar anymore, but I wasn't using sugar anyway. I switched to sugar substitute a while back. I haven't drank sodas in who knows how long. Not even diet sodas. It's either water or crystal light.
But with these recent health issues, including the fact that I had that cellulitis problem for over a month requiring 2 antibiotics to combat (one cycle over three weeks long), I've come to a decision to go ahead with the gastric bypass surgery. Though this decision was not made lightly and it was made with the help of my husband's input, I felt that in the end it was far better for my heath that I do this.
Today I had therapy with my cognitive behavioral therapist and we discussed this. While she felt that my reasons for the decision were good, I wasn't where I needed to be to have the surgery. I didn't agree with her and when she asked what time frame I was looking at for the surgery and I said the next three months, she definitely felt that I was pushing myself despite the fact that I haven't binged in so long I can't even remember and that I no longer over eat.
Honestly, I cried. I was angry to hear this. But I don't want to trip up after the surgery if I'm really not ready and hurt myself by binging. So we're going to go ahead and continue to work on what we need to in therapy so I can get where I need to be so I can have a successful surgery and be healthy afterward. That's what I want.
In the meantime, I'm going to go ahead and continue with my exercise, weight loss and eating healthy like nothing has changed. There is no reason to give any of that up because that is a lifestyle change that I intend to keep forever. Those all feel good anyway, and I like the way I feel with those changes.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Out and About
When we moved to this base in 2006, I was about the weight I am now which is around 400lbs. I could get around a bit, though not as well as I'm getting around now since I'm really putting some serious effort into losing weight, but I could walk and such. So I spent some time outside and socializing with the neighbors, but not much.
Once we moved onto the base a few months after getting here, I pretty much became a shut in and didn't leave my house after. So for the next 4 years or so, while gaining all that extra weight that prevented me from doing things as simple as being able to walk, I didn't want to go out and socialize and meet my neighbors or make friends. Now as I'm losing the weight I am so over that.
The weight is coming off and yeah, it might only be 60 pounds or so but I feel good, I don't want to be sitting in my damn house, I want to be outside and I want to know people and I want to be social. Hello, world, I want to know you! It helps that I have some damn good medications for the first time in my life for my mood disorder, too, but being in a good place with my weight loss and knowing what's coming for my future and where I'm going with my body plays a huge part in this as well.
So last night, I let my dog out in the backyard and my neighbor was outside with some of her friends having a get together and she invited me over. I did try to refuse at first, but she got me over. It was around 10:30 and so I went over and people came and went and I socialized and didn't feel like people were judging me or staring at me. In fact, people were friendly, talked to me, remembered my name and had conversations with me. I had such a great time!
You can't imagine my shock when I got back inside and it was 5:30 in the morning. Yeah, it was a little surprising. But it was so much fun. There was a nice fire pit, some (controlled) drinking, some (low) music and some sitting around and great conversation. Didn't matter that these people knew each other and shared stories that I didn't know because they took the time to say things like, "Wait, Rachael doesn't know the back story! You have to tell her so she knows what's going on." I felt included and it was great.
When it was just some of us girls for part of the night, we actually talked about weight issues, because some of the girls, and my neighbor particularly, are a bit heavy. None like myself, but that was ok I didn't feel uncomfortable because I'm proud of what I've done for myself and I had really great reception of what I had done on my own. My neighbor said that as soon as her husband got back from Afghanistan she'd start walking with me, too! I'm excited about that. The only reason why she can't now is because she has three children (and could you imagine trying to bring along three small kids with you on a walk)?
In addition to this, I've decided that on payday I'm going to go to Curves and get myself a membership. Yeah, I could just go to the base gym for free, but right now I would fee more comfortable being around just woman. Also, I was thinking I could meet some more non-military woman that I could be friends with. I hope so, anyway. The prospect of getting out of the house more often really seems so nice. I just really want to be more social.
I found out last night that there is a karaoke bar out in town. I haven't done karaoke since I lived in NY. I might ask the woman next door and some of the others I met to come out with me some night. I'd like to sing again. That would be a lot of fun.
Once we moved onto the base a few months after getting here, I pretty much became a shut in and didn't leave my house after. So for the next 4 years or so, while gaining all that extra weight that prevented me from doing things as simple as being able to walk, I didn't want to go out and socialize and meet my neighbors or make friends. Now as I'm losing the weight I am so over that.
The weight is coming off and yeah, it might only be 60 pounds or so but I feel good, I don't want to be sitting in my damn house, I want to be outside and I want to know people and I want to be social. Hello, world, I want to know you! It helps that I have some damn good medications for the first time in my life for my mood disorder, too, but being in a good place with my weight loss and knowing what's coming for my future and where I'm going with my body plays a huge part in this as well.
So last night, I let my dog out in the backyard and my neighbor was outside with some of her friends having a get together and she invited me over. I did try to refuse at first, but she got me over. It was around 10:30 and so I went over and people came and went and I socialized and didn't feel like people were judging me or staring at me. In fact, people were friendly, talked to me, remembered my name and had conversations with me. I had such a great time!
You can't imagine my shock when I got back inside and it was 5:30 in the morning. Yeah, it was a little surprising. But it was so much fun. There was a nice fire pit, some (controlled) drinking, some (low) music and some sitting around and great conversation. Didn't matter that these people knew each other and shared stories that I didn't know because they took the time to say things like, "Wait, Rachael doesn't know the back story! You have to tell her so she knows what's going on." I felt included and it was great.
When it was just some of us girls for part of the night, we actually talked about weight issues, because some of the girls, and my neighbor particularly, are a bit heavy. None like myself, but that was ok I didn't feel uncomfortable because I'm proud of what I've done for myself and I had really great reception of what I had done on my own. My neighbor said that as soon as her husband got back from Afghanistan she'd start walking with me, too! I'm excited about that. The only reason why she can't now is because she has three children (and could you imagine trying to bring along three small kids with you on a walk)?
In addition to this, I've decided that on payday I'm going to go to Curves and get myself a membership. Yeah, I could just go to the base gym for free, but right now I would fee more comfortable being around just woman. Also, I was thinking I could meet some more non-military woman that I could be friends with. I hope so, anyway. The prospect of getting out of the house more often really seems so nice. I just really want to be more social.
I found out last night that there is a karaoke bar out in town. I haven't done karaoke since I lived in NY. I might ask the woman next door and some of the others I met to come out with me some night. I'd like to sing again. That would be a lot of fun.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Progress & Change
Ok, my expectations were far too high and I did not meet my goal. But that's ok, because I'm not unhappy! I'm still down a significant amount of weight and I'm super thrilled. I'm in high spirits and feeling fantastic.
I've noticed a change in the muscles in my legs this week from all the walking I've been doing. Not only can I walk faster, but I can go a bit further without needing to rest. This is really exciting, because I feel that it wont be much longer that I can go around the block without too much trouble. I never would have though years ago that there would be a time in my life that walking around the block would be a challenge, but here I am.
I've had no food issues in a long time. I can't even recall without looking back on old entries (and I don't want to) when I last had trouble with binging. I think that says something about both proper medication and self control. I'm proud of how far I've come since starting my cognitive behavioral therapy in March.
My next therapy session is on Thursday and I am really looking forward to seeing my therapist. My last appointment with her was last month because of that crazy time in the beginning of this month with the military. Had to hold off on seeing her until we got things settled. I really can't wait to tell her about everything going on.
I bought my guitar this week. It will arrive sometime within the next two weeks. I special ordered it from The Musician's Friend. It was more exciting and scary than it was purchasing my first car as a teenager. To have music in my life again is going to be amazing. It hasn't been since I was a teenager that I've really played an instrument. I look forward to this. Once I have the instrument, I'm going to find myself an instructor and get lessons. I wont be doing this halfheartedly. I really want to learn.
I don't foresee any major events in the future that could create any real major anxiety or binge eating situations. I know I will eventually have to move to the new base and I've got that pretty much under control. This house is clean and I'm staying on top of it, ready for the move when it comes so short of something completely out of left field at this point I'm just about ready for anything.
I say, bring it on!
I've noticed a change in the muscles in my legs this week from all the walking I've been doing. Not only can I walk faster, but I can go a bit further without needing to rest. This is really exciting, because I feel that it wont be much longer that I can go around the block without too much trouble. I never would have though years ago that there would be a time in my life that walking around the block would be a challenge, but here I am.
I've had no food issues in a long time. I can't even recall without looking back on old entries (and I don't want to) when I last had trouble with binging. I think that says something about both proper medication and self control. I'm proud of how far I've come since starting my cognitive behavioral therapy in March.
My next therapy session is on Thursday and I am really looking forward to seeing my therapist. My last appointment with her was last month because of that crazy time in the beginning of this month with the military. Had to hold off on seeing her until we got things settled. I really can't wait to tell her about everything going on.
I bought my guitar this week. It will arrive sometime within the next two weeks. I special ordered it from The Musician's Friend. It was more exciting and scary than it was purchasing my first car as a teenager. To have music in my life again is going to be amazing. It hasn't been since I was a teenager that I've really played an instrument. I look forward to this. Once I have the instrument, I'm going to find myself an instructor and get lessons. I wont be doing this halfheartedly. I really want to learn.
I don't foresee any major events in the future that could create any real major anxiety or binge eating situations. I know I will eventually have to move to the new base and I've got that pretty much under control. This house is clean and I'm staying on top of it, ready for the move when it comes so short of something completely out of left field at this point I'm just about ready for anything.
I say, bring it on!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Smelling the Roses
I've been extraordinarily good to myself since my last post a few days ago. As promised, I stuck to my plan to eat right and I'm losing weight again and hope to see myself under 400 pounds by the end of next week. This isn't an unreasonable goal.
Today my husband and I were going to take the little one to the beach, but because it ended up being overcast and only about 72F outside, we decided on a trip to the park instead. I posted a picture on my twitter account, if you want to check it out over here. The base recently built it and not only is it beautiful, but the ground is made out of this strange cork looking material and when you walk on it, it is spongy and bounces. I love it!
We were there for an hour, I couldn't believe it when we got in the car. Not only that, but I stood almost the entire time we were there. Not something I could have done months ago. I wanted to stay longer, but my son came over when I was on the phone with my mother for a moment and had heavy eyelids so I knew it was time to go home. Brought my camera with me, too, but sadly I hadn't charged my battery in a while so after four pictures and a minute and a half of video it died. I wont let that happen again.
My doctor appointment on Friday bothered me. Turns out my cholesterol level jumped 30 points since my last blood work in April. I asked her how this was possible, since my diet has vastly improved since February and she said it could be hereditary. Concerned, I asked if it could be because of one of my new medications that I take for my mood disorder, but she said no. I was not convinced, however.
When I returned home, I looked up the side effects. Sure enough, two of the side effects are elevated sugar levels and elevated cholesterol! Disturbing, to say the least, but now I have a prescription for the cholesterol problem. However, I have to go for another test for my blood sugar though I can't recall the name of it. It's the one where you have to drink the orange soda-like liquid and they take your blood three times over three hours. I'll be doing that sometime over the next two weeks once I work out the car arrangement with my husband.
In the meantime, I have left messages with both the physician that prescribed the medication with the side effects to ask if it's possible that this medication caused the jump since I started it in June considering my diet change and left a message with my primary doctor indicating that this was indeed a side effect. This is two times now that my primary care attending RN has let me down when it has come to my health and I think that it is time to write a letter of concern to my health insurance company and request a change in physicians.
Once I get this other test done, the results of all my blood work will be forwarded along with my request to see an Endocrinologist to make sure there aren't any additional issues with my thyroid, since I have issues with thinning hair and no family history of this problem. I'll also take care of the possible onset of Type II Diabetes and my polycystic ovary syndrome which I was diagnosed with in NY before moving here to NC.
To be honest, I'm not stressing out about all of this, which I would have months ago and which probably would have led to me binge eating. I have to thank my one doctor for the best combination of mood disorder medication I have ever had in my life. I've spent more than 15 years trying to find a combination that not only keeps me from feeling depressed, but allows me to function and think clearly. I can do that now and this is the first time in my life that I feel really normal. What an amazing feeling.
In addition to being able to take care of myself, I can take care of my house and my family! So this is what it feels like to be able to get things done? I never understood how people accomplished so much in one day and still managed to have a life at the same time. Incredible!
So in addition to getting my life in order, I plan on doing many things I have thought about wanting to do for many years. Throughout middle and high school, I played the drums. I had always wished I continued on with it and gone into music in some way. Sadly, I did not. One of the big reasons I did not was because of my mood disorder and my lack of being on a medication that allowed me to be stable. Now that I am doing so well, I am going to really get back into music, just for me.
I don't plan to run out and join a band or anything, that would be a little silly I think. However, I would like to buy a guitar and get some lessons just to enjoy playing. A friend of mine plays a little bass and I think it would be fun to hang out with her and play if I could learn a bit. Having already discussed this with my husband, the purchase has been approved and I am looking to do this within the next month or two. I am very excited.
That's about it for now. This post was less about weight loss today and more about being good to myself and taking care of myself. All of that though contributes to me not binging or overeating. I feel great and I'm looking forward to continuing to feel this way.
Today my husband and I were going to take the little one to the beach, but because it ended up being overcast and only about 72F outside, we decided on a trip to the park instead. I posted a picture on my twitter account, if you want to check it out over here. The base recently built it and not only is it beautiful, but the ground is made out of this strange cork looking material and when you walk on it, it is spongy and bounces. I love it!
We were there for an hour, I couldn't believe it when we got in the car. Not only that, but I stood almost the entire time we were there. Not something I could have done months ago. I wanted to stay longer, but my son came over when I was on the phone with my mother for a moment and had heavy eyelids so I knew it was time to go home. Brought my camera with me, too, but sadly I hadn't charged my battery in a while so after four pictures and a minute and a half of video it died. I wont let that happen again.
My doctor appointment on Friday bothered me. Turns out my cholesterol level jumped 30 points since my last blood work in April. I asked her how this was possible, since my diet has vastly improved since February and she said it could be hereditary. Concerned, I asked if it could be because of one of my new medications that I take for my mood disorder, but she said no. I was not convinced, however.
When I returned home, I looked up the side effects. Sure enough, two of the side effects are elevated sugar levels and elevated cholesterol! Disturbing, to say the least, but now I have a prescription for the cholesterol problem. However, I have to go for another test for my blood sugar though I can't recall the name of it. It's the one where you have to drink the orange soda-like liquid and they take your blood three times over three hours. I'll be doing that sometime over the next two weeks once I work out the car arrangement with my husband.
In the meantime, I have left messages with both the physician that prescribed the medication with the side effects to ask if it's possible that this medication caused the jump since I started it in June considering my diet change and left a message with my primary doctor indicating that this was indeed a side effect. This is two times now that my primary care attending RN has let me down when it has come to my health and I think that it is time to write a letter of concern to my health insurance company and request a change in physicians.
Once I get this other test done, the results of all my blood work will be forwarded along with my request to see an Endocrinologist to make sure there aren't any additional issues with my thyroid, since I have issues with thinning hair and no family history of this problem. I'll also take care of the possible onset of Type II Diabetes and my polycystic ovary syndrome which I was diagnosed with in NY before moving here to NC.
To be honest, I'm not stressing out about all of this, which I would have months ago and which probably would have led to me binge eating. I have to thank my one doctor for the best combination of mood disorder medication I have ever had in my life. I've spent more than 15 years trying to find a combination that not only keeps me from feeling depressed, but allows me to function and think clearly. I can do that now and this is the first time in my life that I feel really normal. What an amazing feeling.
In addition to being able to take care of myself, I can take care of my house and my family! So this is what it feels like to be able to get things done? I never understood how people accomplished so much in one day and still managed to have a life at the same time. Incredible!
So in addition to getting my life in order, I plan on doing many things I have thought about wanting to do for many years. Throughout middle and high school, I played the drums. I had always wished I continued on with it and gone into music in some way. Sadly, I did not. One of the big reasons I did not was because of my mood disorder and my lack of being on a medication that allowed me to be stable. Now that I am doing so well, I am going to really get back into music, just for me.
I don't plan to run out and join a band or anything, that would be a little silly I think. However, I would like to buy a guitar and get some lessons just to enjoy playing. A friend of mine plays a little bass and I think it would be fun to hang out with her and play if I could learn a bit. Having already discussed this with my husband, the purchase has been approved and I am looking to do this within the next month or two. I am very excited.
That's about it for now. This post was less about weight loss today and more about being good to myself and taking care of myself. All of that though contributes to me not binging or overeating. I feel great and I'm looking forward to continuing to feel this way.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Feeling Good
Stress free! Surprising, right? Well, the military has moved my husband's job to a base about an hour away and until we get housing there we can stay in housing where we are until then and that means that my son can continue at the school he is in until we move which take a huge load off my mind. This also means no stress about moving!
We had our carpets cleaned anyway and I've been keeping up on the house so it still looks gorgeous. I've been feeling good about the way things are going here and I haven't binged at all this entire time and I'm really proud of myself for that.
Sadly I have not ate healthy this entire time, haven't written a thing in my food diary and have lost no weight. I haven't gained, either, but it's time to get my rear end back on track with health eating and I am going to start that today as I have made a promise to myself to do that.
My doctor has put me on some really great medications for my mood disorder and I am finally feeling the full affects of them after about two months. It's wonderful. Life is different when you don't have an underlying feeling of constant depression. I can think more clearly and I can understand what it means to love myself. With all honesty I can absolutely say that I do.
Last Friday I went out and had my hair done. I had it cut and put some blond highlights in. Afterward, I picked up a new pair of tweezers, some nail polish and some new shampoo then came home and took care of the caterpillars on my face that could only be described as my eyebrows. Following that, I polished my nails and it made me feel like a million dollars.
It as during a conversation I had with a friend that she said, "It's amazing how we feel when our medication works, isn't it?" Yes. Yes it is.
It's also let me decide on other things that I've always wanted to do that I just have either put off, or felt like I couldn't do because I felt like I was too fat or maybe because I was too depressed due to my mood disorder. The first being guitar lessons. I have always been interested in playing guitar, ever since I was a teenager. Growing up, I've taken music lessons for instruments of all kinds. I played percussion (drums) throughout middle school and high school along with violin, flute, trumpet and french horn (none which I can play any longer because I simply do not remember except for percussion since I played that the longest).
The second being I've always wanted to get my lip pierced. I'm going to do it, because I have wanted it done since I was about twenty or so and just haven't. That way more than ten years and I figure if I've wanted something for that long, than it's isn't some passing fancy. Plus, it's something I can remove later in life if I do outgrow it. I was considering a microdermal implant, but considering how permanent it is, that I might not go with.
The last will be a tattoo, but that will wait until I get the weight off which wont be for many more years. Well, perhaps one to two years? I hope it wont be more than that. I do have a long way to go, this is true, but I am going down, not up and I am determined to stick with this. I have wanted a tattoo since I was a teenager. Another body modification that has not gone away. I actually want two. One of a dragon, as I was born year of the dragon and another of a goat for my son, as he was born year of the goat. I know, a goat, right? That one, I will reconsider to something more tasteful to represent him. I have time, like I said, the weight needs to come off, first.
I will admit that recently I have been reconsidering the gastric bypass surgery, especially with the recent health issues I've had with the cellulitis. I have an appointment with my primary physician on Friday to get my blood work results to see what my status is for the potential for Type II Diabetes. Obviously with my weight I am high risk, but at least it is something that will be controlled with medication and once the weight goes down, be corrected again.
I know I let myself be crippled by food for a long time in my life, but I am just not going to allow that to continue to happen. Whatever I need to do to get everything taken care of, I will. So, the surgery is just a thought right now. I'm not jumping on that, I'm just thinking about it. I do have to see the surgery again soon anyway for a review of what I've been doing, since he was the one that put my surgery on hold in the first place so I would start seeing the therapist for the eating disorder and such. I still don't want to cut up my insides and I just might not have to.
I wont rush into any decisions right now.
We had our carpets cleaned anyway and I've been keeping up on the house so it still looks gorgeous. I've been feeling good about the way things are going here and I haven't binged at all this entire time and I'm really proud of myself for that.
Sadly I have not ate healthy this entire time, haven't written a thing in my food diary and have lost no weight. I haven't gained, either, but it's time to get my rear end back on track with health eating and I am going to start that today as I have made a promise to myself to do that.
My doctor has put me on some really great medications for my mood disorder and I am finally feeling the full affects of them after about two months. It's wonderful. Life is different when you don't have an underlying feeling of constant depression. I can think more clearly and I can understand what it means to love myself. With all honesty I can absolutely say that I do.
Last Friday I went out and had my hair done. I had it cut and put some blond highlights in. Afterward, I picked up a new pair of tweezers, some nail polish and some new shampoo then came home and took care of the caterpillars on my face that could only be described as my eyebrows. Following that, I polished my nails and it made me feel like a million dollars.
It as during a conversation I had with a friend that she said, "It's amazing how we feel when our medication works, isn't it?" Yes. Yes it is.
It's also let me decide on other things that I've always wanted to do that I just have either put off, or felt like I couldn't do because I felt like I was too fat or maybe because I was too depressed due to my mood disorder. The first being guitar lessons. I have always been interested in playing guitar, ever since I was a teenager. Growing up, I've taken music lessons for instruments of all kinds. I played percussion (drums) throughout middle school and high school along with violin, flute, trumpet and french horn (none which I can play any longer because I simply do not remember except for percussion since I played that the longest).
The second being I've always wanted to get my lip pierced. I'm going to do it, because I have wanted it done since I was about twenty or so and just haven't. That way more than ten years and I figure if I've wanted something for that long, than it's isn't some passing fancy. Plus, it's something I can remove later in life if I do outgrow it. I was considering a microdermal implant, but considering how permanent it is, that I might not go with.
The last will be a tattoo, but that will wait until I get the weight off which wont be for many more years. Well, perhaps one to two years? I hope it wont be more than that. I do have a long way to go, this is true, but I am going down, not up and I am determined to stick with this. I have wanted a tattoo since I was a teenager. Another body modification that has not gone away. I actually want two. One of a dragon, as I was born year of the dragon and another of a goat for my son, as he was born year of the goat. I know, a goat, right? That one, I will reconsider to something more tasteful to represent him. I have time, like I said, the weight needs to come off, first.
I will admit that recently I have been reconsidering the gastric bypass surgery, especially with the recent health issues I've had with the cellulitis. I have an appointment with my primary physician on Friday to get my blood work results to see what my status is for the potential for Type II Diabetes. Obviously with my weight I am high risk, but at least it is something that will be controlled with medication and once the weight goes down, be corrected again.
I know I let myself be crippled by food for a long time in my life, but I am just not going to allow that to continue to happen. Whatever I need to do to get everything taken care of, I will. So, the surgery is just a thought right now. I'm not jumping on that, I'm just thinking about it. I do have to see the surgery again soon anyway for a review of what I've been doing, since he was the one that put my surgery on hold in the first place so I would start seeing the therapist for the eating disorder and such. I still don't want to cut up my insides and I just might not have to.
I wont rush into any decisions right now.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Mindgames
The military likes to screw with you. Know this. So, this week has been more than slightly hectic and nothing but pure stress. Despite this, I've managed not to binge eat or even over eat and I am truly proud of myself. What is going on, however, is that on Tuesday night we received a phone call stating we will be getting orders to move.
What we don't know is to where or when yet. Every day we're given just a little bit more information. At this point, all I know is that by Friday we should have complete details. I am surprised that I haven't cleared out my fridge of all the food and put it into my stomach. This says something about how far I've come!
Some things I've noticed myself doing in place of eating is cleaning, focusing on spending time with my son and husband, working on my computer and talking to my mother and my friends. These are all positive things and they all came to me without thinking about them or thinking about turning to food first before doing them. I hope that I continue with these habits.
I saw my physician yesterday about my leg. I was given a 7 day extension on Septra, a strong antibiotic and will be following up again in one week. I also did some blood work, to make sure that I wasn't becoming diabetic, since this cellulitis has been a problem. The frustrating part of all this is that I still can not exercise (by walking). I have found it hard to raise my heart level through other types of movement that doesn't involve the use of my legs, but I am still trying.
I thought that it would be all right to walk my son to the bus the other day because my leg was feeling pretty good. The walk really isn't that far, just right up the street no more than a three minute walk with a 6 year old who doesn't want to walk more than a snails pace in the morning. I have to tell you, it felt good to be out and walking again. When I got home, however, my entire foot and ankle that the cellulitis is on, had become swollen. So when the doctor tells you to stay off your leg, stay off your leg.
Tomorrow is therapy, looking forward to it. Hope it's not my last session. I really don't want to leave this base yet. Love it here.
What we don't know is to where or when yet. Every day we're given just a little bit more information. At this point, all I know is that by Friday we should have complete details. I am surprised that I haven't cleared out my fridge of all the food and put it into my stomach. This says something about how far I've come!
Some things I've noticed myself doing in place of eating is cleaning, focusing on spending time with my son and husband, working on my computer and talking to my mother and my friends. These are all positive things and they all came to me without thinking about them or thinking about turning to food first before doing them. I hope that I continue with these habits.
I saw my physician yesterday about my leg. I was given a 7 day extension on Septra, a strong antibiotic and will be following up again in one week. I also did some blood work, to make sure that I wasn't becoming diabetic, since this cellulitis has been a problem. The frustrating part of all this is that I still can not exercise (by walking). I have found it hard to raise my heart level through other types of movement that doesn't involve the use of my legs, but I am still trying.
I thought that it would be all right to walk my son to the bus the other day because my leg was feeling pretty good. The walk really isn't that far, just right up the street no more than a three minute walk with a 6 year old who doesn't want to walk more than a snails pace in the morning. I have to tell you, it felt good to be out and walking again. When I got home, however, my entire foot and ankle that the cellulitis is on, had become swollen. So when the doctor tells you to stay off your leg, stay off your leg.
Tomorrow is therapy, looking forward to it. Hope it's not my last session. I really don't want to leave this base yet. Love it here.
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