The military likes to screw with you. Know this. So, this week has been more than slightly hectic and nothing but pure stress. Despite this, I've managed not to binge eat or even over eat and I am truly proud of myself. What is going on, however, is that on Tuesday night we received a phone call stating we will be getting orders to move.
What we don't know is to where or when yet. Every day we're given just a little bit more information. At this point, all I know is that by Friday we should have complete details. I am surprised that I haven't cleared out my fridge of all the food and put it into my stomach. This says something about how far I've come!
Some things I've noticed myself doing in place of eating is cleaning, focusing on spending time with my son and husband, working on my computer and talking to my mother and my friends. These are all positive things and they all came to me without thinking about them or thinking about turning to food first before doing them. I hope that I continue with these habits.
I saw my physician yesterday about my leg. I was given a 7 day extension on Septra, a strong antibiotic and will be following up again in one week. I also did some blood work, to make sure that I wasn't becoming diabetic, since this cellulitis has been a problem. The frustrating part of all this is that I still can not exercise (by walking). I have found it hard to raise my heart level through other types of movement that doesn't involve the use of my legs, but I am still trying.
I thought that it would be all right to walk my son to the bus the other day because my leg was feeling pretty good. The walk really isn't that far, just right up the street no more than a three minute walk with a 6 year old who doesn't want to walk more than a snails pace in the morning. I have to tell you, it felt good to be out and walking again. When I got home, however, my entire foot and ankle that the cellulitis is on, had become swollen. So when the doctor tells you to stay off your leg, stay off your leg.
Tomorrow is therapy, looking forward to it. Hope it's not my last session. I really don't want to leave this base yet. Love it here.
Showing posts with label Emotional Eating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotional Eating. Show all posts
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
The Blame Game
In my introduction post, I briefly mention how as a child, it was my parent's fault that I was chubby. After all, it's the responsibility of the parent to teach us about nutrition, the importance of exercising and not overeating. Unfortunately psychology then isn't what it is today and the study of mood disorders, emotional eating or eating disorders were likely still in their infancy. Please understand I am not saying they were not known but I am saying that information probably wasn't common knowledge and my parents certainly wouldn't have had any information about them.
About my parents, there is just no way they could have known that using food to cheer up an upset child was going to create a problem down the road. Years later, however, I'm stuck in this cycle of The Blame Game. It's not their fault, but they supplied me with food when I was sad or depressed as a pick me up. It became a constant crutch and then I started doing it on my own, so I'm mad at them for doing it, but they couldn't have known, but I wish they hadn't and I get angry at them for doing it. I struggle with forgiving and letting go (a topic for another day).
The only thing good that came out of all of this was that when I had my child, I constantly worried over him becoming the fat kid. I made sure I took him out to play frequently, I tried to get him to eat healthy and I used other positive ways to cheer him up instead of food. Yes, I actually managed to do this without a therapist's advice years ago. What I ended up with was an active child who had his father's metabolism who refuses to eat anything but pizza, chicken nuggets and fishsticks despite my introduction of other foods.
Unfortunately, it was a double-edged sword and I also became obsessive over my son's weight. Never around my son, but to my husband I would constantly voice my concern that he was either 1 or 2 pounds underweight for his age or overweight for his age and my husband would have to bring me back down to Earth and remind me that he's healthy and active and a growing boy and that he is not overweight.
So now, I have added on to the list of things that need work:
Today is therapy day. I'm looking forward to my appointment so I can discuss something shocking I've recently discovered about myself. Losing weight sends me into panic mode. I actually fear losing weight. Hmm. I'm not sure what to make of this. We'll see what happens at my appointment.
Happy Friday! See you next week.
About my parents, there is just no way they could have known that using food to cheer up an upset child was going to create a problem down the road. Years later, however, I'm stuck in this cycle of The Blame Game. It's not their fault, but they supplied me with food when I was sad or depressed as a pick me up. It became a constant crutch and then I started doing it on my own, so I'm mad at them for doing it, but they couldn't have known, but I wish they hadn't and I get angry at them for doing it. I struggle with forgiving and letting go (a topic for another day).
The only thing good that came out of all of this was that when I had my child, I constantly worried over him becoming the fat kid. I made sure I took him out to play frequently, I tried to get him to eat healthy and I used other positive ways to cheer him up instead of food. Yes, I actually managed to do this without a therapist's advice years ago. What I ended up with was an active child who had his father's metabolism who refuses to eat anything but pizza, chicken nuggets and fishsticks despite my introduction of other foods.
Unfortunately, it was a double-edged sword and I also became obsessive over my son's weight. Never around my son, but to my husband I would constantly voice my concern that he was either 1 or 2 pounds underweight for his age or overweight for his age and my husband would have to bring me back down to Earth and remind me that he's healthy and active and a growing boy and that he is not overweight.
So now, I have added on to the list of things that need work:
- letting go of the past
- forgiving my parents
- stop playing the blame game
- stop obsessing over my child's weight (he's not fat)
Today is therapy day. I'm looking forward to my appointment so I can discuss something shocking I've recently discovered about myself. Losing weight sends me into panic mode. I actually fear losing weight. Hmm. I'm not sure what to make of this. We'll see what happens at my appointment.
Happy Friday! See you next week.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Binge Eating, for the Uninitiated
And while I'm at it, let me Google that for you. No, I'm not going to actually sit here and explain what binge eating is because that's not what my blog is for. However, before I continue with this post, I feel I am obligated to say that I don't work in the medical field, I don't have vast medical knowledge, I like Google, I listen to my doctors and anything I say on my blog relates only to me. If you share similar experiences and you have concerns about your own health, see your physician.
With that out of the way, I want to talk a little today about something I've been struggling a lot with lately. My binge eating. In the beginning, when I started my therapy back in March, I felt like I wasn't struggling with it at all. It might have been because I was losing weight, I was eating healthy, keeping my food journal and everything was going great. Of course, I couldn't even recognize patterns of binge eating then, so it was probably easy for me to say I wasn't struggling with it.
Lately it's been worse and I do notice now, a few months down the road, that much of my binge eating is attached to how I feel. It goes with stress, depression, anxiety and worry. I do fine when I'm happy. I don't use food for when I'm feeling good. However at the first sign of feeling bad, food becomes a way to feel ... not good. It's not good, the way it makes me feel, but temporarily less [whatever it was I was currently feeling]. I'm not sure there is a way to make someone understand who isn't a binge eater, but I'll try here soon.
Last week I had the worst episode in four months since starting therapy and becoming aware of the actual compulsive feeling that drives me to put food into my mouth when I am upset. As I sat here sobbing at my computer, trying to fight this feeling of wanting to eat so I could stop crying and stop feeling so horrible, my husband did his best to console me. I felt badly for my husband, because he couldn't understand, though he did his best to and eventually I just gave in and ate so I could stop feeling so damn depressed.
So this is what happened when I ate. Upon eating, the compulsion to eat stopped after a few minutes and I felt better. Unfortunately, feeling better never lasts because then I feel embarrassed, ashamed and depressed about having to eat to feel better. Oddly (and thankfully) though, this doesn't actually trigger more eating although in the past is may have. I haven't worked out why not and for now I will just count my blessings that it didn't this time.
What I do know, is what triggered this particular episode was mood swings thanks to mother nature - yes, it was that time of the month. Which, hey, thanks to losing weight I now see every month. For the last three months I have had mother nature pay me a visit. Not my favorite part of losing weight, though my therapist likes to tell me it's a good thing, because it means things are returning to normal in my body. On top of that, I do actually suffer from a mood disorder so mood swings are really intense. But, I digress.
Now, my therapist keeps asking me in session what I'm going to do about these times when the compulsions to eat hit me and I still don't know. She doesn't offer me any suggestions so I'm guessing I'm suppose to figure it out myself and that pisses me off but I'll get into my anger and food (and therapy) another day. In the meantime, I will continue to work on it and I will ask for help when I'm ready.
So, I want to give to you an example of what it is like for me to have an intense compulsive binging episode. This isn't actually what happens, I'm putting it into a situation where you can understand it. Imagine having a little voice whispering in your head constantly and it just keeps saying over and over again, "Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, you should eat, eat something, eat, eat, eat, by the way get up and eat, eat, eat, eat, why don't you eat, go eat, eat, eat..." This goes on and on until you finally, to get the voice to shut the hell up, you get up and go eat.
Ok, that's what it's like. There is no actual voice, the voice is the compulsion, a feeling that is there, driving me to go eat that is so pressing that it wont stop until I put food in my mouth, chew and swallow. There is actually a feeling of relief that when I eat, it's gone and I feel free of it. Then starts that cycle of regret, shame, depression... you know, as I explained earlier.
That is binge eating, for me. It comes with obesity, unfortunately and I am fighting it now. I think I have allowed myself to become a victim of my emotions and have been holding myself hostage in my own body of fat. It sucks that I've allowed it to happen so long, that I waited until I was the age that I am, the weight that I am to try to take back my life but here I am doing something about it. At the same time, I realize (thanks to therapy) this started as a child, so I'm not sure that I could have stopped it from happening because I didn't know it was going on.
Anyway, a couple months ago, I didn't think that losing a couple pounds was anything to be proud of and I certainly wouldn't have been patting myself on the back but I think I can now. I'm not too proud of myself, but I think this is a small success. I'm sticking to it. I'm really doing it. I haven't given up. My therapist would probably frown or sigh heavily at me for not being more positive about the changes I've made so far, for me accepting this is a big step.
I am getting there, however, and I have decided that I am not going to let my binging episodes stop me from being a success. I accept that they might still (read as: will) happen until I learn how to control them or prevent them and until then I will pick myself up and keep going. I'm not a failure just because of this bump in the road. I will prevail.
With that out of the way, I want to talk a little today about something I've been struggling a lot with lately. My binge eating. In the beginning, when I started my therapy back in March, I felt like I wasn't struggling with it at all. It might have been because I was losing weight, I was eating healthy, keeping my food journal and everything was going great. Of course, I couldn't even recognize patterns of binge eating then, so it was probably easy for me to say I wasn't struggling with it.
Lately it's been worse and I do notice now, a few months down the road, that much of my binge eating is attached to how I feel. It goes with stress, depression, anxiety and worry. I do fine when I'm happy. I don't use food for when I'm feeling good. However at the first sign of feeling bad, food becomes a way to feel ... not good. It's not good, the way it makes me feel, but temporarily less [whatever it was I was currently feeling]. I'm not sure there is a way to make someone understand who isn't a binge eater, but I'll try here soon.
Last week I had the worst episode in four months since starting therapy and becoming aware of the actual compulsive feeling that drives me to put food into my mouth when I am upset. As I sat here sobbing at my computer, trying to fight this feeling of wanting to eat so I could stop crying and stop feeling so horrible, my husband did his best to console me. I felt badly for my husband, because he couldn't understand, though he did his best to and eventually I just gave in and ate so I could stop feeling so damn depressed.
So this is what happened when I ate. Upon eating, the compulsion to eat stopped after a few minutes and I felt better. Unfortunately, feeling better never lasts because then I feel embarrassed, ashamed and depressed about having to eat to feel better. Oddly (and thankfully) though, this doesn't actually trigger more eating although in the past is may have. I haven't worked out why not and for now I will just count my blessings that it didn't this time.
What I do know, is what triggered this particular episode was mood swings thanks to mother nature - yes, it was that time of the month. Which, hey, thanks to losing weight I now see every month. For the last three months I have had mother nature pay me a visit. Not my favorite part of losing weight, though my therapist likes to tell me it's a good thing, because it means things are returning to normal in my body. On top of that, I do actually suffer from a mood disorder so mood swings are really intense. But, I digress.
Now, my therapist keeps asking me in session what I'm going to do about these times when the compulsions to eat hit me and I still don't know. She doesn't offer me any suggestions so I'm guessing I'm suppose to figure it out myself and that pisses me off but I'll get into my anger and food (and therapy) another day. In the meantime, I will continue to work on it and I will ask for help when I'm ready.
So, I want to give to you an example of what it is like for me to have an intense compulsive binging episode. This isn't actually what happens, I'm putting it into a situation where you can understand it. Imagine having a little voice whispering in your head constantly and it just keeps saying over and over again, "Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, you should eat, eat something, eat, eat, eat, by the way get up and eat, eat, eat, eat, why don't you eat, go eat, eat, eat..." This goes on and on until you finally, to get the voice to shut the hell up, you get up and go eat.
Ok, that's what it's like. There is no actual voice, the voice is the compulsion, a feeling that is there, driving me to go eat that is so pressing that it wont stop until I put food in my mouth, chew and swallow. There is actually a feeling of relief that when I eat, it's gone and I feel free of it. Then starts that cycle of regret, shame, depression... you know, as I explained earlier.
That is binge eating, for me. It comes with obesity, unfortunately and I am fighting it now. I think I have allowed myself to become a victim of my emotions and have been holding myself hostage in my own body of fat. It sucks that I've allowed it to happen so long, that I waited until I was the age that I am, the weight that I am to try to take back my life but here I am doing something about it. At the same time, I realize (thanks to therapy) this started as a child, so I'm not sure that I could have stopped it from happening because I didn't know it was going on.
Anyway, a couple months ago, I didn't think that losing a couple pounds was anything to be proud of and I certainly wouldn't have been patting myself on the back but I think I can now. I'm not too proud of myself, but I think this is a small success. I'm sticking to it. I'm really doing it. I haven't given up. My therapist would probably frown or sigh heavily at me for not being more positive about the changes I've made so far, for me accepting this is a big step.
I am getting there, however, and I have decided that I am not going to let my binging episodes stop me from being a success. I accept that they might still (read as: will) happen until I learn how to control them or prevent them and until then I will pick myself up and keep going. I'm not a failure just because of this bump in the road. I will prevail.
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