I haven't updated in ages. First off, my computer died. Thankfully, I've been able to use my husband's computer. So I hop on every now and then to do the basic computer-type things.
Second, I have been stuck at about 405-409lbs forever. I really dislike hitting plateaus!!! They are so frustrating, I have to tell you. So this morning I decided to add some more exercise to my routine. I went to bed at 10:30 and got out of bed at 5:30. I came downstairs and I did some stretching then got on the treadmill and did some running. Now running, I only did 1.5 minutes of and stopped. That's ok with me, because when I use to not be able to walk, I only started out at about a minute and now I can walk everywhere! So, babysteps. This is my first day and I am not dissapointed.
So good things have happened since my last post. In November, I went to Georgia to visit my friend Jamie who I haven't seen since 2008. While I was there, we went to the grocery store so I could pick up some food to eat. That was my first walk around a store since I had lost all that weight and it was, for me, exciting. I hadn't walked around a grocery store, or any kind of store, in a long time. Well over a year, maybe even two years. Very thrilling. I loved it. My legs held up great! My back hurt when we left, but that's to be expected.
Back here at home, we have a screen enclosed porch attached to the back of the unit we live in on base housing. We haven't used it since moving in years ago so it was dirty and had spiders and webs. Well, since becoming friends with my neighbors, who used theirs, I really wanted to clean mine out and buy some chairs and a table for it to hang out in. My neighbor, Courtney, lent me her hose and I washed it out by myself. It took about 40 minutes or so and I got it all cleaned out. It looked great and I felt really proud of myself for doing it. My husband helped me clean the mold off the paneling and wood, mostly because I'm short and couldn't reach it all by myself, haha!
After that, we went to Walmart together and we picked out a nice metal and glass table and two canvas chairs for the enclosed space. I love it. It looks fantastic and I completed that project and did shopping for it. I really feel good about doing these things.
Thanksgiving went well! My husband, son and I spent our Thanksgiving with our friends. Everyone brought a dish and we all ate together. I had never done anything like that and it was so wonderful. I had a great time and I didn't feel weird about eating around people. I didn't feel like people were staring at me either. Also, I didn't over eat at all and I didn't feel the need to stack up my plate with food.
Therapy is going well. I've been working on the issues I need to, to have the surgery. But recently I found out that my Nana (my mother's mother) had thyroid problems, and my mother just had her thyroid removed and this issue has come up with my doctor as well. Due due my hair loss, my facial hair growth, my polycystic overies and some bloodwork issues I'll have to see an endocrynologyst before considering surgery. This is ok though, because if there are issues with my body, I want them taken care of so I can be healthy, especially if this means that I don't need to have surgery. In the meantime, I am not giving up on my healthy eating and exercise.
Another exciting event for me was moving from sleeping on the couch to sleeping in my bed again with my husband. For a long time, because of my weight, I wasn't able to sleep in my bed. It was too painful on my knees, neck, back and stomach. Now I can sleep in the bed once more. It's great. I get a much better night sleep than I ever did on the couch. The couch was actually starting to cause me severe discomfort. It's also good to be back in the bed with my husband. I hadn't slept with him for years.
My husband and I also went out on a date recently! I haven't been out on a date with him in ages. Mostly because I have issues about eating in public. We decided to go to a buffet for lunch which I was concerned about, not because of eating in front of people, but because it was a buffet that does Chinese, Japanese, American, Hibachi and Sushi. I haven't binged in well over 8 months but I do still over eat sometimes.
I feel I did great though. The only fied food I had was pork fried rice and because I always measure my food at home, I'm pretty good at eyeballing my servings and I gave myself about 1/4 cup of that. I didn't even fill my plate and I only made one trip. I did lots of vegetables and their vegetables were great there! They weren't soggy at all, lots of crisp veggies. Though I stayed away from most of the stuff that was in sauces due to high sodium. The best part of the meal for me though was the sushi, which is my favorite. I had four pieces (they were smaller than the sizes of a American quarters). To drink I had water, which is what I always drink at home.
When I left the resteraunt, I felt full and not like I was going to die from having stuffed myself which was a good feeling so I was proud of how well I did at the buffet. So that was the first time I had eaten out since 2008, which was also the last time I was with Jamie. She and I had gone out to Applebees when she came to visit.
So that's what's happened since my last update. I'm sure there has been more I've left out, but I'll try to update again before Christmas. There is a lot going on, both my mother and my husband's are coming to visit so we have to get the house ready. Looking forward to that. Also have a Christmas party on the 17th! I can't believe I'm going to a Christmas party! This is a big deal for me, because I never use to socialize and now I have friends. I'm sure I'll write about it.
Showing posts with label Going Out In Public. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Going Out In Public. Show all posts
Monday, December 6, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Out and About
When we moved to this base in 2006, I was about the weight I am now which is around 400lbs. I could get around a bit, though not as well as I'm getting around now since I'm really putting some serious effort into losing weight, but I could walk and such. So I spent some time outside and socializing with the neighbors, but not much.
Once we moved onto the base a few months after getting here, I pretty much became a shut in and didn't leave my house after. So for the next 4 years or so, while gaining all that extra weight that prevented me from doing things as simple as being able to walk, I didn't want to go out and socialize and meet my neighbors or make friends. Now as I'm losing the weight I am so over that.
The weight is coming off and yeah, it might only be 60 pounds or so but I feel good, I don't want to be sitting in my damn house, I want to be outside and I want to know people and I want to be social. Hello, world, I want to know you! It helps that I have some damn good medications for the first time in my life for my mood disorder, too, but being in a good place with my weight loss and knowing what's coming for my future and where I'm going with my body plays a huge part in this as well.
So last night, I let my dog out in the backyard and my neighbor was outside with some of her friends having a get together and she invited me over. I did try to refuse at first, but she got me over. It was around 10:30 and so I went over and people came and went and I socialized and didn't feel like people were judging me or staring at me. In fact, people were friendly, talked to me, remembered my name and had conversations with me. I had such a great time!
You can't imagine my shock when I got back inside and it was 5:30 in the morning. Yeah, it was a little surprising. But it was so much fun. There was a nice fire pit, some (controlled) drinking, some (low) music and some sitting around and great conversation. Didn't matter that these people knew each other and shared stories that I didn't know because they took the time to say things like, "Wait, Rachael doesn't know the back story! You have to tell her so she knows what's going on." I felt included and it was great.
When it was just some of us girls for part of the night, we actually talked about weight issues, because some of the girls, and my neighbor particularly, are a bit heavy. None like myself, but that was ok I didn't feel uncomfortable because I'm proud of what I've done for myself and I had really great reception of what I had done on my own. My neighbor said that as soon as her husband got back from Afghanistan she'd start walking with me, too! I'm excited about that. The only reason why she can't now is because she has three children (and could you imagine trying to bring along three small kids with you on a walk)?
In addition to this, I've decided that on payday I'm going to go to Curves and get myself a membership. Yeah, I could just go to the base gym for free, but right now I would fee more comfortable being around just woman. Also, I was thinking I could meet some more non-military woman that I could be friends with. I hope so, anyway. The prospect of getting out of the house more often really seems so nice. I just really want to be more social.
I found out last night that there is a karaoke bar out in town. I haven't done karaoke since I lived in NY. I might ask the woman next door and some of the others I met to come out with me some night. I'd like to sing again. That would be a lot of fun.
Once we moved onto the base a few months after getting here, I pretty much became a shut in and didn't leave my house after. So for the next 4 years or so, while gaining all that extra weight that prevented me from doing things as simple as being able to walk, I didn't want to go out and socialize and meet my neighbors or make friends. Now as I'm losing the weight I am so over that.
The weight is coming off and yeah, it might only be 60 pounds or so but I feel good, I don't want to be sitting in my damn house, I want to be outside and I want to know people and I want to be social. Hello, world, I want to know you! It helps that I have some damn good medications for the first time in my life for my mood disorder, too, but being in a good place with my weight loss and knowing what's coming for my future and where I'm going with my body plays a huge part in this as well.
So last night, I let my dog out in the backyard and my neighbor was outside with some of her friends having a get together and she invited me over. I did try to refuse at first, but she got me over. It was around 10:30 and so I went over and people came and went and I socialized and didn't feel like people were judging me or staring at me. In fact, people were friendly, talked to me, remembered my name and had conversations with me. I had such a great time!
You can't imagine my shock when I got back inside and it was 5:30 in the morning. Yeah, it was a little surprising. But it was so much fun. There was a nice fire pit, some (controlled) drinking, some (low) music and some sitting around and great conversation. Didn't matter that these people knew each other and shared stories that I didn't know because they took the time to say things like, "Wait, Rachael doesn't know the back story! You have to tell her so she knows what's going on." I felt included and it was great.
When it was just some of us girls for part of the night, we actually talked about weight issues, because some of the girls, and my neighbor particularly, are a bit heavy. None like myself, but that was ok I didn't feel uncomfortable because I'm proud of what I've done for myself and I had really great reception of what I had done on my own. My neighbor said that as soon as her husband got back from Afghanistan she'd start walking with me, too! I'm excited about that. The only reason why she can't now is because she has three children (and could you imagine trying to bring along three small kids with you on a walk)?
In addition to this, I've decided that on payday I'm going to go to Curves and get myself a membership. Yeah, I could just go to the base gym for free, but right now I would fee more comfortable being around just woman. Also, I was thinking I could meet some more non-military woman that I could be friends with. I hope so, anyway. The prospect of getting out of the house more often really seems so nice. I just really want to be more social.
I found out last night that there is a karaoke bar out in town. I haven't done karaoke since I lived in NY. I might ask the woman next door and some of the others I met to come out with me some night. I'd like to sing again. That would be a lot of fun.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Smelling the Roses
I've been extraordinarily good to myself since my last post a few days ago. As promised, I stuck to my plan to eat right and I'm losing weight again and hope to see myself under 400 pounds by the end of next week. This isn't an unreasonable goal.
Today my husband and I were going to take the little one to the beach, but because it ended up being overcast and only about 72F outside, we decided on a trip to the park instead. I posted a picture on my twitter account, if you want to check it out over here. The base recently built it and not only is it beautiful, but the ground is made out of this strange cork looking material and when you walk on it, it is spongy and bounces. I love it!
We were there for an hour, I couldn't believe it when we got in the car. Not only that, but I stood almost the entire time we were there. Not something I could have done months ago. I wanted to stay longer, but my son came over when I was on the phone with my mother for a moment and had heavy eyelids so I knew it was time to go home. Brought my camera with me, too, but sadly I hadn't charged my battery in a while so after four pictures and a minute and a half of video it died. I wont let that happen again.
My doctor appointment on Friday bothered me. Turns out my cholesterol level jumped 30 points since my last blood work in April. I asked her how this was possible, since my diet has vastly improved since February and she said it could be hereditary. Concerned, I asked if it could be because of one of my new medications that I take for my mood disorder, but she said no. I was not convinced, however.
When I returned home, I looked up the side effects. Sure enough, two of the side effects are elevated sugar levels and elevated cholesterol! Disturbing, to say the least, but now I have a prescription for the cholesterol problem. However, I have to go for another test for my blood sugar though I can't recall the name of it. It's the one where you have to drink the orange soda-like liquid and they take your blood three times over three hours. I'll be doing that sometime over the next two weeks once I work out the car arrangement with my husband.
In the meantime, I have left messages with both the physician that prescribed the medication with the side effects to ask if it's possible that this medication caused the jump since I started it in June considering my diet change and left a message with my primary doctor indicating that this was indeed a side effect. This is two times now that my primary care attending RN has let me down when it has come to my health and I think that it is time to write a letter of concern to my health insurance company and request a change in physicians.
Once I get this other test done, the results of all my blood work will be forwarded along with my request to see an Endocrinologist to make sure there aren't any additional issues with my thyroid, since I have issues with thinning hair and no family history of this problem. I'll also take care of the possible onset of Type II Diabetes and my polycystic ovary syndrome which I was diagnosed with in NY before moving here to NC.
To be honest, I'm not stressing out about all of this, which I would have months ago and which probably would have led to me binge eating. I have to thank my one doctor for the best combination of mood disorder medication I have ever had in my life. I've spent more than 15 years trying to find a combination that not only keeps me from feeling depressed, but allows me to function and think clearly. I can do that now and this is the first time in my life that I feel really normal. What an amazing feeling.
In addition to being able to take care of myself, I can take care of my house and my family! So this is what it feels like to be able to get things done? I never understood how people accomplished so much in one day and still managed to have a life at the same time. Incredible!
So in addition to getting my life in order, I plan on doing many things I have thought about wanting to do for many years. Throughout middle and high school, I played the drums. I had always wished I continued on with it and gone into music in some way. Sadly, I did not. One of the big reasons I did not was because of my mood disorder and my lack of being on a medication that allowed me to be stable. Now that I am doing so well, I am going to really get back into music, just for me.
I don't plan to run out and join a band or anything, that would be a little silly I think. However, I would like to buy a guitar and get some lessons just to enjoy playing. A friend of mine plays a little bass and I think it would be fun to hang out with her and play if I could learn a bit. Having already discussed this with my husband, the purchase has been approved and I am looking to do this within the next month or two. I am very excited.
That's about it for now. This post was less about weight loss today and more about being good to myself and taking care of myself. All of that though contributes to me not binging or overeating. I feel great and I'm looking forward to continuing to feel this way.
Today my husband and I were going to take the little one to the beach, but because it ended up being overcast and only about 72F outside, we decided on a trip to the park instead. I posted a picture on my twitter account, if you want to check it out over here. The base recently built it and not only is it beautiful, but the ground is made out of this strange cork looking material and when you walk on it, it is spongy and bounces. I love it!
We were there for an hour, I couldn't believe it when we got in the car. Not only that, but I stood almost the entire time we were there. Not something I could have done months ago. I wanted to stay longer, but my son came over when I was on the phone with my mother for a moment and had heavy eyelids so I knew it was time to go home. Brought my camera with me, too, but sadly I hadn't charged my battery in a while so after four pictures and a minute and a half of video it died. I wont let that happen again.
My doctor appointment on Friday bothered me. Turns out my cholesterol level jumped 30 points since my last blood work in April. I asked her how this was possible, since my diet has vastly improved since February and she said it could be hereditary. Concerned, I asked if it could be because of one of my new medications that I take for my mood disorder, but she said no. I was not convinced, however.
When I returned home, I looked up the side effects. Sure enough, two of the side effects are elevated sugar levels and elevated cholesterol! Disturbing, to say the least, but now I have a prescription for the cholesterol problem. However, I have to go for another test for my blood sugar though I can't recall the name of it. It's the one where you have to drink the orange soda-like liquid and they take your blood three times over three hours. I'll be doing that sometime over the next two weeks once I work out the car arrangement with my husband.
In the meantime, I have left messages with both the physician that prescribed the medication with the side effects to ask if it's possible that this medication caused the jump since I started it in June considering my diet change and left a message with my primary doctor indicating that this was indeed a side effect. This is two times now that my primary care attending RN has let me down when it has come to my health and I think that it is time to write a letter of concern to my health insurance company and request a change in physicians.
Once I get this other test done, the results of all my blood work will be forwarded along with my request to see an Endocrinologist to make sure there aren't any additional issues with my thyroid, since I have issues with thinning hair and no family history of this problem. I'll also take care of the possible onset of Type II Diabetes and my polycystic ovary syndrome which I was diagnosed with in NY before moving here to NC.
To be honest, I'm not stressing out about all of this, which I would have months ago and which probably would have led to me binge eating. I have to thank my one doctor for the best combination of mood disorder medication I have ever had in my life. I've spent more than 15 years trying to find a combination that not only keeps me from feeling depressed, but allows me to function and think clearly. I can do that now and this is the first time in my life that I feel really normal. What an amazing feeling.
In addition to being able to take care of myself, I can take care of my house and my family! So this is what it feels like to be able to get things done? I never understood how people accomplished so much in one day and still managed to have a life at the same time. Incredible!
So in addition to getting my life in order, I plan on doing many things I have thought about wanting to do for many years. Throughout middle and high school, I played the drums. I had always wished I continued on with it and gone into music in some way. Sadly, I did not. One of the big reasons I did not was because of my mood disorder and my lack of being on a medication that allowed me to be stable. Now that I am doing so well, I am going to really get back into music, just for me.
I don't plan to run out and join a band or anything, that would be a little silly I think. However, I would like to buy a guitar and get some lessons just to enjoy playing. A friend of mine plays a little bass and I think it would be fun to hang out with her and play if I could learn a bit. Having already discussed this with my husband, the purchase has been approved and I am looking to do this within the next month or two. I am very excited.
That's about it for now. This post was less about weight loss today and more about being good to myself and taking care of myself. All of that though contributes to me not binging or overeating. I feel great and I'm looking forward to continuing to feel this way.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Two Days A Week
Normally, I do my daily posts the night before, which is why it always looks like I'm posting at three in the morning. Rather sneaky of me, isn't it? I completely forgot last night. But I did not forget my homework assignment this weekend, which was to add something to my daily routine this week to boost my daily activity.
I am by no means lounging around like I once did, I've noticed. My house is gorgeous, I'm mostly caught up on laundry and this Friday my brand new book shelf arrived. This weekend my husband and I put it together and even unpacked our closet that had things inside it for so many years that I had moments that I went, "Wow, I haven't seen that since I was XX years old!" Embarrassing for me, let me tell you, though not quite as embarrassing as finding pay stubs from my very first job when I was 15. I believe that minimum wage then was $4.35 an hour. We promptly went out, bought a paper shredder and I spent five hours shredding paper.
Ok, trip down memory lane aside, I decided that I would start taking my son to the park on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Now my husband usually does bonding time with our son after dinner on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays after dinner when the temperature drops so no one is dying of the heat. I figured that I could do the other two days of the week and the weekends could continue to be the family days. That will give dad some much needed time to himself at night, too.
I'm not sure I'll be starting this tomorrow, however, as my son is going to get some dental work done and I'm not sure how he'll be feeling. Since he has to be put under for it, he might not be feeling his best. I'll go if he indicates he wants to, though.
I think this will be good for me, since I have such an issue with going out in public and dealing with people staring at me because of my weight. It's going to take a long time for me to get the weight off, and I'm getting really sick and tired of being indoors. I can't put off going outside until I lose another 200+ pounds. The thin people on this base will just have to just get use to seeing a fat person outside and for me, I'll have to get use to people looking at me while losing weight. I am losing the weight, and I just need to keep reminding myself that.
I am by no means lounging around like I once did, I've noticed. My house is gorgeous, I'm mostly caught up on laundry and this Friday my brand new book shelf arrived. This weekend my husband and I put it together and even unpacked our closet that had things inside it for so many years that I had moments that I went, "Wow, I haven't seen that since I was XX years old!" Embarrassing for me, let me tell you, though not quite as embarrassing as finding pay stubs from my very first job when I was 15. I believe that minimum wage then was $4.35 an hour. We promptly went out, bought a paper shredder and I spent five hours shredding paper.
Ok, trip down memory lane aside, I decided that I would start taking my son to the park on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Now my husband usually does bonding time with our son after dinner on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays after dinner when the temperature drops so no one is dying of the heat. I figured that I could do the other two days of the week and the weekends could continue to be the family days. That will give dad some much needed time to himself at night, too.
I'm not sure I'll be starting this tomorrow, however, as my son is going to get some dental work done and I'm not sure how he'll be feeling. Since he has to be put under for it, he might not be feeling his best. I'll go if he indicates he wants to, though.
I think this will be good for me, since I have such an issue with going out in public and dealing with people staring at me because of my weight. It's going to take a long time for me to get the weight off, and I'm getting really sick and tired of being indoors. I can't put off going outside until I lose another 200+ pounds. The thin people on this base will just have to just get use to seeing a fat person outside and for me, I'll have to get use to people looking at me while losing weight. I am losing the weight, and I just need to keep reminding myself that.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Ignoring the Warning Signs
Our bodies are very good at telling us that something is wrong, but sometimes we're either not very good at listening or, in my case, I will simply outright ignore it because ... you may have guessed it, I'm fat. I allow my weight to stop me from going out into public, because I don't want people to stare at me even if this means not treating something like bronchitis or even a simple cold. So, I confine myself to my house.
About two weeks ago I developed a nasty little infection in my toe thanks to what was either athlete's foot or fungal infection. By Wednesday of last week it had started healing over, but I had started getting sick woth what I thought were flu-like symptoms which I did not connect to my toe (because, who would?) and still could have been completely unrelated at that point.
On Thursday I woke up with some minor lower right leg pain, below mid-calf and above my ankle in three specific points on my leg that had small purply-red spots developing. It was very odd, but I didn't think much about it other than it was where my leg rested on the recliner where I sleep and I was assuming I was developing uncomfortable pressure points. On Friday the pain was worse, popped some ibuprofen and hoped for the best. Friday night I developed chills and a fever and had my husband pick up cold medicine, annoyed that I was getting sick in the middle of summer.
On Saturday morning I realized that I was having pain while walking and though I had done things like showered and changed my clothes I had not really bothered looking at my leg. Pulling up the leg of my pants, it looked awful. What the hell was that? That was not a leg. That was a purple swollen gross stump of something and it hurt when I barely touched it.
Having worked in the medical field for years I had a sneaking suspicion of what it might be, but I didn't want to admit to myself that it might be that. So, I used an online diagnosing program to help me confirm my fears that it probably was what I thought it was, and it was at the top of the list of three conditions it could be, all which I should seek treatment for within the next 24 hours. Cellulitis.
I was horrified. It took the persistent pushing of both my husband and a friend to get me to go to the walk-in clinic on the base to get treated. Why? Because I'm fat and I didn't want people to stare at me. I didn't want to have to sit there and talk to the doctor about my weight because I was too afraid he was going to blame my condition on diabetes, which is another cause of cellulitis, but was not the cause of it in my case since I do not have diabetes.
Packing up my medications, I went to the clinic anyway because this is a serious medical condition and I couldn't leave it untreated. It needed antibiotics this time, I couldn't let being obese stand in the way of seeking treatment for an illness.
The doctor did exactly what I thought he would and ... did his job. Asked if I had diabetes. It's his job! I know this. I was still annoyed, though, and that's my issue because he's still required to ask questions and do his job. I assured him that I did not have diabetes despite my weight, explained the infected toe and showed it to him with the newly healed skin and he immediately agreed that it was more likely to have been that cause since almost the entire top of the toe was now covered in new skin.
Despite that, the conversation still turned back to my weight and diabetes. But, I came prepared. I very calmly and even somewhat proudly told him that I had gone to a bariatric surgeon for gastric bypass and during the psych evaluation was diagnosed with binge eating disorder. I was now seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist for binge eating disorder weekly to bi-weekly, a dietitian monthly and my regular doctor regularly.
I went on to explain that I was on medication for my blood pressure and that while my sugar levels had been borderline high when last tested in March, my doctor and I agreed we would wait before putting me on medication for diabetes because I was actively losing weight through healthy eating and exercise and seeing the dietitian and in 6 months we would retest me to see how the numbers looked. I even told him that I had now lost over 40lbs. That's 40. I'm under 420lbs!
What came out of his mouth next though floored me. He went on to say that when he was going to medical school, he used to binge eat when he was stressed so he could understand, he just never gained the weight. I must have had a look on my face that clearly said, "Did you just compare your med school stress eating with my lifetime of uncontrollable compulsive eating?" because he quickly followed it up with how he didn't really know much about how cognitive therapy worked but that he hoped I was doing well with it and obviously it was working for me to drop 40lbs and gave me what sounded like an apologetic congratulations if that's somehow possible.
Then he turned around, told me to go back to see my primary physician for a follow up in a few days and to get my blood rechecked for diabetes. I should also get back to the surgeon for that gastric bypass as soon as I could, as it was my best option for success. Beg your pardon? I was actually furious with this guy for suggesting that but thanked him for his information on the cellulitis and the antibiotic and promised him that I would be following up with my primary physician in a few days as he instructed.
When he left the room, I sat down in the chair and I thought to myself, "This guy... thinks I'm going to fail?" That was all I could come up with. I had actually given him some very good detail about the cognitive behavioral therapy and how much I had learned about binge eating and triggers and how it was helping me with my weight loss. The fact that he was suggesting the surgery though after all that just made me come to the conclusion that he believes that I'm going to fail.
Well, I have news for you. I'm not going to fail. Also, it felt really good to tell you that I lost 40lbs, even if I am still over 400lbs and I didn't have surgery to do it and I did it a little more slowly than other people might have. I will also have you know, I will not be getting the surgery, even if it means getting the weight off faster to correct issues like my blood pressure and borderline blood sugar level. You know why? One binging episode after I have a gastric bypass and I will die and considering I still cant control all my binging episodes yet, that's a problem. So no, I wont be going to do that and I am happy about it.
I would like add, that going to the doctors made me realize it's my chance to brag TO a doctor that I am losing weight and if it's a doctor that I see regularly, they'll even be able to open my chart see that and go, "Wow, you are losing weight!" Maybe they will praise me, because I like praise, and because they are a regular doctor I know they wont say something stupid like, "Go get surgery."
Also, you are a huge tool.
So, I did learn a lesson this past weekend: Self, the outcome was good, even though the experience at the Navy clinic was negative. When you feel sick, go ahead to the doctors so you can get treated to feel better and boast when you have the opportunity. Take your chance to pat yourself on the back because you deserve it.
About two weeks ago I developed a nasty little infection in my toe thanks to what was either athlete's foot or fungal infection. By Wednesday of last week it had started healing over, but I had started getting sick woth what I thought were flu-like symptoms which I did not connect to my toe (because, who would?) and still could have been completely unrelated at that point.
On Thursday I woke up with some minor lower right leg pain, below mid-calf and above my ankle in three specific points on my leg that had small purply-red spots developing. It was very odd, but I didn't think much about it other than it was where my leg rested on the recliner where I sleep and I was assuming I was developing uncomfortable pressure points. On Friday the pain was worse, popped some ibuprofen and hoped for the best. Friday night I developed chills and a fever and had my husband pick up cold medicine, annoyed that I was getting sick in the middle of summer.
On Saturday morning I realized that I was having pain while walking and though I had done things like showered and changed my clothes I had not really bothered looking at my leg. Pulling up the leg of my pants, it looked awful. What the hell was that? That was not a leg. That was a purple swollen gross stump of something and it hurt when I barely touched it.
Having worked in the medical field for years I had a sneaking suspicion of what it might be, but I didn't want to admit to myself that it might be that. So, I used an online diagnosing program to help me confirm my fears that it probably was what I thought it was, and it was at the top of the list of three conditions it could be, all which I should seek treatment for within the next 24 hours. Cellulitis.
I was horrified. It took the persistent pushing of both my husband and a friend to get me to go to the walk-in clinic on the base to get treated. Why? Because I'm fat and I didn't want people to stare at me. I didn't want to have to sit there and talk to the doctor about my weight because I was too afraid he was going to blame my condition on diabetes, which is another cause of cellulitis, but was not the cause of it in my case since I do not have diabetes.
Packing up my medications, I went to the clinic anyway because this is a serious medical condition and I couldn't leave it untreated. It needed antibiotics this time, I couldn't let being obese stand in the way of seeking treatment for an illness.
The doctor did exactly what I thought he would and ... did his job. Asked if I had diabetes. It's his job! I know this. I was still annoyed, though, and that's my issue because he's still required to ask questions and do his job. I assured him that I did not have diabetes despite my weight, explained the infected toe and showed it to him with the newly healed skin and he immediately agreed that it was more likely to have been that cause since almost the entire top of the toe was now covered in new skin.
Despite that, the conversation still turned back to my weight and diabetes. But, I came prepared. I very calmly and even somewhat proudly told him that I had gone to a bariatric surgeon for gastric bypass and during the psych evaluation was diagnosed with binge eating disorder. I was now seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist for binge eating disorder weekly to bi-weekly, a dietitian monthly and my regular doctor regularly.
I went on to explain that I was on medication for my blood pressure and that while my sugar levels had been borderline high when last tested in March, my doctor and I agreed we would wait before putting me on medication for diabetes because I was actively losing weight through healthy eating and exercise and seeing the dietitian and in 6 months we would retest me to see how the numbers looked. I even told him that I had now lost over 40lbs. That's 40. I'm under 420lbs!
What came out of his mouth next though floored me. He went on to say that when he was going to medical school, he used to binge eat when he was stressed so he could understand, he just never gained the weight. I must have had a look on my face that clearly said, "Did you just compare your med school stress eating with my lifetime of uncontrollable compulsive eating?" because he quickly followed it up with how he didn't really know much about how cognitive therapy worked but that he hoped I was doing well with it and obviously it was working for me to drop 40lbs and gave me what sounded like an apologetic congratulations if that's somehow possible.
Then he turned around, told me to go back to see my primary physician for a follow up in a few days and to get my blood rechecked for diabetes. I should also get back to the surgeon for that gastric bypass as soon as I could, as it was my best option for success. Beg your pardon? I was actually furious with this guy for suggesting that but thanked him for his information on the cellulitis and the antibiotic and promised him that I would be following up with my primary physician in a few days as he instructed.
When he left the room, I sat down in the chair and I thought to myself, "This guy... thinks I'm going to fail?" That was all I could come up with. I had actually given him some very good detail about the cognitive behavioral therapy and how much I had learned about binge eating and triggers and how it was helping me with my weight loss. The fact that he was suggesting the surgery though after all that just made me come to the conclusion that he believes that I'm going to fail.
Well, I have news for you. I'm not going to fail. Also, it felt really good to tell you that I lost 40lbs, even if I am still over 400lbs and I didn't have surgery to do it and I did it a little more slowly than other people might have. I will also have you know, I will not be getting the surgery, even if it means getting the weight off faster to correct issues like my blood pressure and borderline blood sugar level. You know why? One binging episode after I have a gastric bypass and I will die and considering I still cant control all my binging episodes yet, that's a problem. So no, I wont be going to do that and I am happy about it.
I would like add, that going to the doctors made me realize it's my chance to brag TO a doctor that I am losing weight and if it's a doctor that I see regularly, they'll even be able to open my chart see that and go, "Wow, you are losing weight!" Maybe they will praise me, because I like praise, and because they are a regular doctor I know they wont say something stupid like, "Go get surgery."
Also, you are a huge tool.
So, I did learn a lesson this past weekend: Self, the outcome was good, even though the experience at the Navy clinic was negative. When you feel sick, go ahead to the doctors so you can get treated to feel better and boast when you have the opportunity. Take your chance to pat yourself on the back because you deserve it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)