Ignoring the Warning Signs

Our bodies are very good at telling us that something is wrong, but sometimes we're either not very good at listening or, in my case, I will simply outright ignore it because ... you may have guessed it, I'm fat.  I allow my weight to stop me from going out into public, because I don't want people to stare at me even if this means not treating something like bronchitis or even a simple cold.  So, I confine myself to my house.

About two weeks ago I developed a nasty little infection in my toe thanks to what was either athlete's foot or fungal infection.  By Wednesday of last week it had started healing over, but I had started getting sick woth what I thought were flu-like symptoms which I did not connect to my toe (because, who would?) and still could have been completely unrelated at that point. 

On Thursday I woke up with some minor lower right leg pain, below mid-calf and above my ankle in three specific points on my leg that had small purply-red spots developing.  It was very odd, but I didn't think much about it other than it was where my leg rested on the recliner where I sleep and I was assuming I was developing uncomfortable pressure points.  On Friday the pain was worse, popped some ibuprofen and hoped for the best.  Friday night I developed chills and a fever and had my husband pick up cold medicine, annoyed that I was getting sick in the middle of summer.

On Saturday morning I realized that I was having pain while walking and though I had done things like showered and changed my clothes I had not really bothered looking at my leg.  Pulling up the leg of my pants, it looked awful.  What the hell was that? That was not a leg.  That was a purple swollen gross stump of something and it hurt when I barely touched it.  

Having worked in the medical field for years I had a sneaking suspicion of what it might be, but I didn't want to admit to myself that it might be that.  So, I used an online diagnosing program to help me confirm my fears that it probably was what I thought it was, and it was at the top of the list of three conditions it could be, all which I should seek treatment for within the next 24 hours.  Cellulitis.

I was horrified.  It took the persistent pushing of both my husband and a friend to get me to go to the walk-in clinic on the base to get treated.  Why?  Because I'm fat and I didn't want people to stare at me.  I didn't want to have to sit there and talk to the doctor about my weight because I was too afraid he was going to blame my condition on diabetes, which is another cause of cellulitis, but was not the cause of it in my case since I do not have diabetes.  

Packing up my medications, I went to the clinic anyway because this is a serious medical condition and I couldn't leave it untreated.  It needed antibiotics this time, I couldn't let being obese stand in the way of seeking treatment for an illness. 

The doctor did exactly what I thought he would and ... did his job.  Asked if I had diabetes.  It's his job!  I know this.  I was still annoyed, though, and that's my issue because he's still required to ask questions and do his job.  I assured him that I did not have diabetes despite my weight, explained the infected toe and showed it to him with the newly healed skin and he immediately agreed that it was more likely to have been that cause since almost the entire top of the toe was now covered in new skin.

Despite that, the conversation still turned back to my weight and diabetes.  But, I came prepared.  I very calmly and even somewhat proudly told him that I had gone to a bariatric surgeon for gastric bypass and during the psych evaluation was diagnosed with binge eating disorder.  I was now seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist for binge eating disorder weekly to bi-weekly, a dietitian monthly and my regular doctor regularly.

I went on to explain that I was on medication for my blood pressure and that while my sugar levels had been borderline high when last tested in March, my doctor and I agreed we would wait before putting me on medication for diabetes because I was actively losing weight through healthy eating and exercise and seeing the dietitian and in 6 months we would retest me to see how the numbers looked.  I even told him that I had now lost over 40lbs.  That's 40.  I'm under 420lbs!

What came out of his mouth next though floored me.  He went on to say that when he was going to medical school, he used to binge eat when he was stressed so he could understand, he just never gained the weight.  I must have had a look on my face that clearly said, "Did you just compare your med school stress eating with my lifetime of uncontrollable compulsive eating?" because he quickly followed it up with how he didn't really know much about how cognitive therapy worked but that he hoped I was doing well with it and obviously it was working for me to drop 40lbs and gave me what sounded like an apologetic congratulations if that's somehow possible.

Then he turned around, told me to go back to see my primary physician for a follow up in a few days and to get my blood rechecked for diabetes.  I should also get back to the surgeon for that gastric bypass as soon as I could, as it was my best option for success.  Beg your pardon?  I was actually furious with this guy for suggesting that but thanked him for his information on the cellulitis and the antibiotic and promised him that I would be following up with my primary physician in a few days as he instructed.

When he left the room, I sat down in the chair and I thought to myself, "This guy... thinks I'm going to fail?" That was all I could come up with.  I had actually given him some very good detail about the cognitive behavioral therapy and how much I had learned about binge eating and triggers and how it was helping me with my weight loss.  The fact that he was suggesting the surgery though after all that just made me come to the conclusion that he believes that I'm going to fail.

Well, I have news for you.  I'm not going to fail.  Also, it felt really good to tell you that I lost 40lbs, even if I am still over 400lbs and I didn't have surgery to do it and I did it a little more slowly than other people might have.  I will also have you know, I will not be getting the surgery, even if it means getting the weight off faster to correct issues like my blood pressure and borderline blood sugar level.  You know why?  One binging episode after I have a gastric bypass and I will die and considering I still cant control all my binging episodes yet, that's a problem.  So no, I wont be going to do that and I am happy about it. 

I would like add, that going to the doctors made me realize it's my chance to brag TO a doctor that I am losing weight and if it's a doctor that I see regularly, they'll even be able to open my chart see that and go, "Wow, you are losing weight!"  Maybe they will praise me, because I like praise, and because they are a regular doctor I know they wont say something stupid like, "Go get surgery."

Also, you are a huge tool.

So, I did learn a lesson this past weekend: Self, the outcome was good, even though the experience at the Navy clinic was negative.  When you feel sick, go ahead to the doctors so you can get treated to feel better and boast when you have the opportunity.  Take your chance to pat yourself on the back because you deserve it.