I probably just pissed off a lot of fat people with my title. Chances are, I got their attention, too. Don't worry, fat people, I'm fat, too. I've been chubby, mildly overweight, heavyset and now morbidly obese . It was my parents' fault when I was a child, it was my fault as an adult. There were definitely some other factors involved that attributed to my weight gain including medications and mood disorders such as depression but as an adult I take responsibility for my part in my weight gain.
Perhaps you, the skinny person or maybe even the overweight person, look at me and you judge me because obviously I must lack smarts to allow myself to get this big. Did I not know what I was doing? Yes, I did. It didn't stop me from being the emotional eater when I was down, or rarely exercising or eating poorly. Still sounds like I'm unintelligent right now, doesn't it? I'm getting to that, I promise.
I wanted to lose weight. I tried, many times. I tried paid programs and failed, I tried diets and failed, I could never seem to get it right. What the hell was I doing wrong? Why couldn't I get it when other people seemed to be able to? Why couldn't I stick with things or understand what was going on?
Did you happen to read the little blurb (description) about this blog where I go to say that I suffer from a binge eating disorder? What it had come down to was me going to a bariatric surgeon for the gastric bypass. For those who don't know, this involves many tests, including a psychiatric evaluation. I wasn't looking for the label of binge eating disorder and I didn't know it existed. In fact, when I was turned down for the surgery because I was diagnosed as having this disorder, I was in disbelief and in denial.
I'm not going to go on here and use this as my excuse to be fat. It's the reason for being uneducated as to why I couldn't commit to weight loss and why I was repeatedly failing at losing weight. Now that I know, I am taking steps in the right direction to do something about it. Therefor, I am not unintelligent, I am learning from the information I have gained and I am finally improving myself. I just needed the right teacher.
So here is where I shock you and tell you I'm skinny now and you can do it, too, in these easy steps! Just kidding. I'm still fat. Are you kidding? I just started this process in January (2010) with the surgeon. My weight was 462lbs. He told me that before I could even be considered for the surgery I would have to lose 25lbs on my own. It was at the end of February that I had my psychiatric review where the woman told me she wanted me to find a cognitive behavioral therapist for binge eating disorder.
What I am going to say is that I really don't want the surgery. I never really did, but I was scared of dying from being fat and I didn't know what else to do. Between seeing this therapist once a week who specializes in eating disorders and seeing this dietitian once a month, I'm losing weight slowly but I am losing weight. This morning I am 427lbs and I am happy that I am not 462lbs this morning. Sometimes I still binge eat, I only just started being able to identify when I do it. It's depressing, but I'm working on it.
So, this is what my blog is for - a place for me to talk about what losing weight is like for me. It might be the emotional things, it might be the people in my life that contribute to what causes me to eat or the emotions that make me feel like I want to eat, maybe the motivations or goals I have. Either way, it's for me. I'm not trying to be an inspiration for other people, I'm just trying to be an inspiration for myself. A reminder to keep going, I guess. I keep my food journal offline, I don't need to do that here. I will try not to whine! Sometimes I will be positive, sometimes I might be negative but hopefully all of this will be cathartic for me.
Maybe you're losing weight, maybe you've lost weight, even if you aren't a binge eater and you've just struggled with being heavy and you want to comment, that's cool. I really want to hear from you. But you want to troll? This really isn't the place for you. I'm never going to post pictures, I wont be your thinspiration and don't want to hear about how you're so fat at size 2 and wish you were a size 0, I won't be target for your mean spirited comments. I may be a faceless person on the internet but I am a person with feelings and ask you to move on and not bother me.
If you're still reading at this point (long winded, aren't I) then I thank you for sticking around. See you next post.
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