During the first several weeks of my therapy sessions, my therapist would say to me that I had to learn to love myself. This phrase would incite such anger that if I could be the almighty Zeus, I would hurl my bolts of lightning down upon the Earth from where I stand on Mt. Olympus and lay waste to all of mankind. Really, I loathed hearing those words from her.
She also gave me reasons why but I'll admit to being too angry to listen to what they were at the time, though I'm sure we'll talk about it again in the future. Every week though, she would say it. Finally, I was so furious and so sick of hearing it, I snapped at her and said, "Stop telling me to love myself! It's not going to happen. There is currently nothing about myself to love. Maybe when the weight is off, I'll feel differently, but right now it's not going to happen."
She asked me, "Do you know how many times I was able to ask you that before you finally told me to stop? I've been counting. Have you? Five."
I didn't get the point. I still don't know what the point is because I have a long way to go with my therapy and I can't figure it all out at once. However, the number of times was apparently five and she never brought it up again. My point is anger was getting in the way of me understanding something about myself.
Yes, I'm only figuring this out now but what made me realize it was the hospital visit on Saturday and my visit with Dr. Douchebag (name changed to protect the misguided). When he left the room and I was putting my sock back on my foot, I suddenly chose to let go of my anger and use that moment as a motivational reminder that I can do this even if he didn't think I could. Recognizing that I could let go of anger was an incredible feeling. Empowering, even!
Ok, there is a slight problem now. I can't get it back. I have been angry since then about other things and I don't know how to stop being angry about everything and I don't know how to let go of that emotion over other situations. Is it because I subconsciously don't want to or because I just don't know how to and what happened at the hospital was a complete fluke? Is being angry the emotional equivalent to taking the easy way out of a hard situation or job?
So, I'm frustrated with myself and a little confused about it all. I'm adding this to the list of things I need to think about more and perhaps even bring up in my next therapy session. I have to stop letting anger stop me from doing things.
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