Feeling Good

Stress free!  Surprising, right?  Well, the military has moved my husband's job to a base about an hour away and until we get housing there we can stay in housing where we are until then and that means that my son can continue at the school he is in until we move which take a huge load off my mind. This also means no stress about moving!

We had our carpets cleaned anyway and I've been keeping up on the house so it still looks gorgeous.  I've been feeling good about the way things are going here and I haven't binged at all this entire time and I'm really proud of myself for that.

Sadly I have not ate healthy this entire time, haven't written a thing in my food diary and have lost no weight.  I haven't gained, either, but it's time to get my rear end back on track with health eating and I am going to start that today as I have made a promise to myself to do that.

My doctor has put me on some really great medications for my mood disorder and I am finally feeling the full affects of them after about two months.  It's wonderful.  Life is different when you don't have an underlying feeling of constant depression.  I can think more clearly and I can understand what it means to love myself.  With all honesty I can absolutely say that I do.

Last Friday I went out and had my hair done.  I had it cut and put some blond highlights in.  Afterward, I picked up a new pair of tweezers, some nail polish and some new shampoo then came home and took care of the caterpillars on my face that could only be described as my eyebrows.  Following that, I polished my nails and it made me feel like a million dollars. 

It as during a conversation I had with a friend that she said, "It's amazing how we feel when our medication works, isn't it?"  Yes.  Yes it is.

It's also let me decide on other things that I've always wanted to do that I just have either put off, or felt like I couldn't do because I felt like I was too fat or maybe because I was too depressed due to my mood disorder.  The first being guitar lessons.  I have always been interested in playing guitar, ever since I was a teenager.  Growing up, I've taken music lessons for instruments of all kinds.  I played percussion (drums) throughout middle school and high school along with violin, flute, trumpet and french horn (none which I can play any longer because I simply do not remember except for percussion since I played that the longest).

The second being I've always wanted to get my lip pierced.  I'm going to do it, because I have wanted it done since I was about twenty or so and just haven't.  That way more than ten years and I figure if I've wanted something for that long, than it's isn't some passing fancy.  Plus, it's something I can remove later in life if I do outgrow it.  I was considering a microdermal implant, but considering how permanent it is, that I might not go with.

The last will be a tattoo, but that will wait until I get the weight off which wont be for many more years.  Well, perhaps one to two years?  I hope it wont be more than that.  I do have a long way to go, this is true, but I am going down, not up and I am determined to stick with this.  I have wanted a tattoo since I was a teenager.  Another body modification that has not gone away.  I actually want two.  One of a dragon, as I was born year of the dragon and another of a goat for my son, as he was born year of the goat.  I know, a goat, right?  That one, I will reconsider to something more tasteful to represent him.  I have time, like I said, the weight needs to come off, first.

I will admit that recently I have been reconsidering the gastric bypass surgery, especially with the recent health issues I've had with the cellulitis.  I have an appointment with my primary physician on Friday to get my blood work results to see what my status is for the potential for Type II Diabetes.  Obviously with my weight I am high risk, but at least it is something that will be controlled with medication and once the weight goes down, be corrected again.

I know I let myself be crippled by food for a long time in my life, but I am just not going to allow that to continue to happen.  Whatever I need to do to get everything taken care of, I will.  So, the surgery is just a thought right now.  I'm not jumping on that, I'm just thinking about it.  I do have to see the surgery again soon anyway for a review of what I've been doing, since he was the one that put my surgery on hold in the first place so I would start seeing the therapist for the eating disorder and such.  I still don't want to cut up my insides and I just might not have to.

I wont rush into any decisions right now.

The Stakes are High

I don't usually gamble, because I know that I tend to have an addictive personality and get hooked on things easily.  Even something as simple as Farmville.  It was hard to give that game up.  I needed a 12-step program for both it and for deleting my Facebook account.

All kidding aside, the one thing I wont risk taking chances on now, is my life.  I mean, I've done that already with allowing myself to get the size that I currently am by having unresolved psych issues with the eating disorder that I didn't know existed.  But I'm not going to continue to gamble with my life by jumping into something as risky as surgery.

Now, I'm actually not anti-surgery or anti-gastric bypass.  I think that this is a remarkable way for someone to get healthy if they've been struggling with weight issues their whole life - if it is right for them.  However, I just want to say do the research to make sure you know what you're getting into, which I've done for over two years.

As I've mentioned in the past, I've been looking into gastric bypass surgery for a long time and this is actually my second time going through the process to have the surgery done.  The first time I passed the psych evaluation to have the procedure done but the second time I did not.  This was a blessing in disguise, truly.  I can't even imagine what would have happened to me if I had gone through with the surgery the first time after being approved and then had a binging episode.  I likely could or would have died.

Not even considering that I may struggle with binging my whole life for a moment,  let me just got over some of the other aspects of post-surgery that I have to worry about.  There was the constant vitamin and mineral deficiency because of the amount of food I'd be restricted to which could possibly also lead to hair loss, anemia and bone loss.  Other long term side effects could include ulcers, gallstones and bowel obstructions.

The short term side effects from the surgery are even more terrifying and include hernia, leaking, bleeding, abdominal pain, respiratory failure and my favorite: DEATH.  Ok, to be fair, the death rate these days is down to %.01 or something very low and to continue to stay at my weight probably means I have a greater chance of dying from being obese by a certain age. 

However, I have a child to think of and a husband I love, and this is why I am choosing the weight loss route and the therapy for my binge eating disorder to take care of my problem.  Also, for those considering surgery if you happen to read this, don't let my decision not to have the surgery change your mind to not have it.  These are my reasons and they're good for me.  There are so many positive benefits from the surgery, too, and it gets you healthy and that's what's important.  Remember, it's about making sure you're in a good place before you take that step.

So, with that said, I guess I have to say that I am choosing to bet on myself this time.  Not the doctors.  I've got everything riding on myself and the work I've done so far and the progress I've made.  I don't think it's too early to be excited because I'm making good progress compared to attempts to lose weight in the past and recently I've been feeling proud of myself.  I've never really felt proud of myself for this, but I'm giving it my all.  I deserve to.

Hot damn, I'm on a roll here!

P.S. - It's good to see you again, Motivation.  Perhaps a post about you tomorrow?  I'm thinking maybe it's time.

Going Down?

So I've been trying to stay off the scale, because sometimes it triggers binge eating and that's never good.  But Monday morning I decided to pull it out and weigh myself because with the loss of some of my pants I needed to know where I was hovering.  The magic number was 417lbs.

Let me explain why this was exciting for me.  In 2008, I tried to go through the process for gastric bypass surgery and was actually approved (and thank goodness I didn't have the surgery, knowing what I do now about myself).  At the start of that attempt I was 416lbs so I'm really excited about getting down to the weight I was two years ago in such a short amount of time.

One of the things I feared about weight loss is how long it would take for the weight to come off.  It took a long time for me to get heavy, but the weight actually comes off much more quickly than it does to put on I'm finding.  I like this.  As long as I continue my healthy eating, my exercise (slacking recently, post for another day) and going to my therapy sessions for my binge eating I know that I can be successful.  The longer I do this, the easier it is to be positive about it.

Looking forward to my next therapy session, I have so many positive things to share with my therapist.

Ignoring the Warning Signs

Our bodies are very good at telling us that something is wrong, but sometimes we're either not very good at listening or, in my case, I will simply outright ignore it because ... you may have guessed it, I'm fat.  I allow my weight to stop me from going out into public, because I don't want people to stare at me even if this means not treating something like bronchitis or even a simple cold.  So, I confine myself to my house.

About two weeks ago I developed a nasty little infection in my toe thanks to what was either athlete's foot or fungal infection.  By Wednesday of last week it had started healing over, but I had started getting sick woth what I thought were flu-like symptoms which I did not connect to my toe (because, who would?) and still could have been completely unrelated at that point. 

On Thursday I woke up with some minor lower right leg pain, below mid-calf and above my ankle in three specific points on my leg that had small purply-red spots developing.  It was very odd, but I didn't think much about it other than it was where my leg rested on the recliner where I sleep and I was assuming I was developing uncomfortable pressure points.  On Friday the pain was worse, popped some ibuprofen and hoped for the best.  Friday night I developed chills and a fever and had my husband pick up cold medicine, annoyed that I was getting sick in the middle of summer.

On Saturday morning I realized that I was having pain while walking and though I had done things like showered and changed my clothes I had not really bothered looking at my leg.  Pulling up the leg of my pants, it looked awful.  What the hell was that? That was not a leg.  That was a purple swollen gross stump of something and it hurt when I barely touched it.  

Having worked in the medical field for years I had a sneaking suspicion of what it might be, but I didn't want to admit to myself that it might be that.  So, I used an online diagnosing program to help me confirm my fears that it probably was what I thought it was, and it was at the top of the list of three conditions it could be, all which I should seek treatment for within the next 24 hours.  Cellulitis.

I was horrified.  It took the persistent pushing of both my husband and a friend to get me to go to the walk-in clinic on the base to get treated.  Why?  Because I'm fat and I didn't want people to stare at me.  I didn't want to have to sit there and talk to the doctor about my weight because I was too afraid he was going to blame my condition on diabetes, which is another cause of cellulitis, but was not the cause of it in my case since I do not have diabetes.  

Packing up my medications, I went to the clinic anyway because this is a serious medical condition and I couldn't leave it untreated.  It needed antibiotics this time, I couldn't let being obese stand in the way of seeking treatment for an illness. 

The doctor did exactly what I thought he would and ... did his job.  Asked if I had diabetes.  It's his job!  I know this.  I was still annoyed, though, and that's my issue because he's still required to ask questions and do his job.  I assured him that I did not have diabetes despite my weight, explained the infected toe and showed it to him with the newly healed skin and he immediately agreed that it was more likely to have been that cause since almost the entire top of the toe was now covered in new skin.

Despite that, the conversation still turned back to my weight and diabetes.  But, I came prepared.  I very calmly and even somewhat proudly told him that I had gone to a bariatric surgeon for gastric bypass and during the psych evaluation was diagnosed with binge eating disorder.  I was now seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist for binge eating disorder weekly to bi-weekly, a dietitian monthly and my regular doctor regularly.

I went on to explain that I was on medication for my blood pressure and that while my sugar levels had been borderline high when last tested in March, my doctor and I agreed we would wait before putting me on medication for diabetes because I was actively losing weight through healthy eating and exercise and seeing the dietitian and in 6 months we would retest me to see how the numbers looked.  I even told him that I had now lost over 40lbs.  That's 40.  I'm under 420lbs!

What came out of his mouth next though floored me.  He went on to say that when he was going to medical school, he used to binge eat when he was stressed so he could understand, he just never gained the weight.  I must have had a look on my face that clearly said, "Did you just compare your med school stress eating with my lifetime of uncontrollable compulsive eating?" because he quickly followed it up with how he didn't really know much about how cognitive therapy worked but that he hoped I was doing well with it and obviously it was working for me to drop 40lbs and gave me what sounded like an apologetic congratulations if that's somehow possible.

Then he turned around, told me to go back to see my primary physician for a follow up in a few days and to get my blood rechecked for diabetes.  I should also get back to the surgeon for that gastric bypass as soon as I could, as it was my best option for success.  Beg your pardon?  I was actually furious with this guy for suggesting that but thanked him for his information on the cellulitis and the antibiotic and promised him that I would be following up with my primary physician in a few days as he instructed.

When he left the room, I sat down in the chair and I thought to myself, "This guy... thinks I'm going to fail?" That was all I could come up with.  I had actually given him some very good detail about the cognitive behavioral therapy and how much I had learned about binge eating and triggers and how it was helping me with my weight loss.  The fact that he was suggesting the surgery though after all that just made me come to the conclusion that he believes that I'm going to fail.

Well, I have news for you.  I'm not going to fail.  Also, it felt really good to tell you that I lost 40lbs, even if I am still over 400lbs and I didn't have surgery to do it and I did it a little more slowly than other people might have.  I will also have you know, I will not be getting the surgery, even if it means getting the weight off faster to correct issues like my blood pressure and borderline blood sugar level.  You know why?  One binging episode after I have a gastric bypass and I will die and considering I still cant control all my binging episodes yet, that's a problem.  So no, I wont be going to do that and I am happy about it. 

I would like add, that going to the doctors made me realize it's my chance to brag TO a doctor that I am losing weight and if it's a doctor that I see regularly, they'll even be able to open my chart see that and go, "Wow, you are losing weight!"  Maybe they will praise me, because I like praise, and because they are a regular doctor I know they wont say something stupid like, "Go get surgery."

Also, you are a huge tool.

So, I did learn a lesson this past weekend: Self, the outcome was good, even though the experience at the Navy clinic was negative.  When you feel sick, go ahead to the doctors so you can get treated to feel better and boast when you have the opportunity.  Take your chance to pat yourself on the back because you deserve it.