Out and About

When we moved to this base in 2006, I was about the weight I am now which is around 400lbs.  I could get around a bit, though not as well as I'm getting around now since I'm really putting some serious effort into losing weight, but I could walk and such.  So I spent some time outside and socializing with the neighbors, but not much. 

Once we moved onto the base a few months after getting here, I pretty much became a shut in and didn't leave my house after.  So for the next 4 years or so, while gaining all that extra weight that prevented me from doing things as simple as being able to walk, I didn't want to go out and socialize and meet my neighbors or make friends.  Now as I'm losing the weight I am so over that.

The weight is coming off and yeah, it might only be 60 pounds or so but I feel good, I don't want to be sitting in my damn house, I want to be outside and I want to know people and I want to be social.  Hello, world, I want to know you!  It helps that I have some damn good medications for the first time in my life for my mood disorder, too, but being in a good place with my weight loss and knowing what's coming for my future and where I'm going with my body plays a huge part in this as well.

So last night, I let my dog out in the backyard and my neighbor was outside with some of her friends having a get together and she invited me over.  I did try to refuse at first, but she got me over.  It was around 10:30 and so I went over and people came and went and I socialized and didn't feel like people were judging me or staring at me.  In fact, people were friendly, talked to me, remembered my name and had conversations with me.  I had such a great time!

You can't imagine my shock when I got back inside and it was 5:30 in the morning.  Yeah, it was a little surprising.  But it was so much fun.  There was a nice fire pit, some (controlled) drinking, some (low) music and some sitting around and great conversation.  Didn't matter that these people knew each other and shared stories that I didn't know because they took the time to say things like, "Wait, Rachael doesn't know the back story!  You have to tell her so she knows what's going on."  I felt included and it was great.

When it was just some of us girls for part of the night, we actually talked about weight issues, because some of the girls, and my neighbor particularly, are a bit heavy.  None like myself, but that was ok I didn't feel uncomfortable because I'm proud of what I've done for myself and I had really great reception of what I had done on my own.  My neighbor said that as soon as her husband got back from Afghanistan she'd start walking with me, too!  I'm excited about that.  The only reason why she can't now is because she has three children (and could you imagine trying to bring along three small kids with you on a walk)?

In addition to this, I've decided that on payday I'm going to go to Curves and get myself a membership.  Yeah, I could just go to the base gym for free, but right now I would fee more comfortable being around just woman. Also, I was thinking I could meet some more non-military woman that I could be friends with.  I hope so, anyway.  The prospect of getting out of the house more often really seems so nice.  I just really want to be more social.

I found out last night that there is a karaoke bar out in town.  I haven't done karaoke since I lived in NY.  I might ask the woman next door and some of the others I met to come out with me some night.  I'd like to sing again.  That would be a lot of fun.

Let's Share!

Recently, I've wanted to get together and talk to other people about weight loss and the struggles that come with it because I just need to talk about it with someone other than my therapist.  After doing a search online, I found that there was a local chapter for Overeaters Anonymous in my town and I was pretty excited about it at first.

I checked out the location on Google maps and tried to psych myself up into going.  They meet once a week on Tuesdays at 6pm and I figured that I could handle this.  Not only would this be great for support, but it might help me meet new people since I really struggle with creating and maintaining new friendships.

The only problem is, I really hate people.  That makes no sense, right?  I know, it's confusing to me, too.  Try being in a position where you can't stand to be around people 95% of your waking day (not including husband and child) and then actually crave to be around others.  How do you get around that?  I have no idea.

I think I might just be having a little anxiety about being out in public while being obese, though.  I've talked about it in the past, not wanting people to stare at me because of my size.  I can't just assume because I'm going to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting that everyone there is going to be obese, too.  Some people can overeat and not gain weight, but still need help.  Not all binge eaters are obese.  This is the dilemma for me, having to worry about being around skinny people who overeat.  It makes me even more embarrassed about my size.

Anyway, what I think I need to do here is just force myself to go to one of these meetings eventually.  It's going to take a bit more psyching up, however.  Another week or two, perhaps?  I wish I had someone to go with.  Also, I wish I wasn't so big that I was worried about breaking a chair if I showed up or worried that I might not fit in the chair.  It's times like this that I tend to fall back on the excuse, "Well, I'll just wait until I lose a few more pounds then do it."  I need to break that habit.

The Number You Have Dialed Has Been Disconnected

Part of my therapy process has been trying to learn what my triggers are for binge eating.  Sometimes it's simple things like having a food item in the house that I just want to eat and the go overboard with it.  More often for me, it's tied to emotions.  I use food as a way to feel better and for someone who already has has a mood disorder you can probably guess, this is a really bad way to cope for someone who frequently rides the EOE (Emotional Overload Express).

Many times I set myself up for binging episodes without thinking about the consequences of my actions.  It involves dealing with people I care about and expecting them to behave towards me or my requests in a particular way.  When they let me down, I get upset, it triggers that compulsive eating and there I am, feeling physically an emotionally sick because I just ate myself stupid once again.

Ok, now that is an oversimplified explanation and only someone who has been through this (surely just about everyone, right?) and identified and dealt with the pain of constant rejection of a family member (or someone you care about) who you expect to be there or to follow through with something they're going to do or say is going to really understand the kind of hurt I am talking about here.  I am not talking about a random occasion, I am talking about years of consistent and repeated events of being let down with no attempts of apologies or remorse when truly having made a mistake.

So, I thought that the easy solution for myself was, "Don't set yourself up for these kinds of disappointments, Rachael, by expecting things from others and simply just don't interact with that person at all."  (I don't take complete credit for that, I have a therapist you know!)  This only kind of works, because I have to be willing to commit to the cutting that person out of my life completely.  I don't want to do that, because I love that person even if they have faults.

This leaves me with a solution of accepting their faults, knowing they're more than likely going to let me down or not meet my expectations again in the future, because that's what they do and learn how to let these things roll off my back and not send me packing on at trip down the EOE.  (Again, thank you therapy.)

My only problem here is I don't know how to stop desperately wanting the person who lets me down the most to stop letting me down and just be there.  I think, "That would stop some binging episodes, right?"  I also know it would not teach me how to control the binging at all, nor would it teach me how to deal with the shattering disappointment that comes with being let down when expecting a certain outcome.

So there it is, I have my answer, I know what I have to do, but now I have to accept it.  That's the hard part and I'm working on it.  Life needs an on switch for everything.  "I need to change a behavior? Oh let me just flip the switch for that right over .... here.... got it!  All better."  I'll get it figure out eventually, I figure.

Before I go, I have to add that I have considered that my expectations of my family might be unreasonable and I haven't realized that yet - or is thinking about it possibly realizing it?  Either way, I'm not ruling anything out this early in the game and I am considering it more.