Having Cake (And Eating It Too)

Something that comes up in therapy every now and then, even after all these months, is if I ever throw up what I eat.  I do not purge.  I have never purged.  Not only can I not imagine myself doing anything to make myself purge, but I don't, in any way, enjoy the thought of making the contents of my stomach come back up.

Before being told about the binge eating disorder, I really just thought I loved eating, so to make anything I just ate come back up would be unthinkable.  I just went through the effort to enjoy eating whatever it was I had.  I want to digest that really delicious food and it seems like a huge waste of money and time to not allow that to happen.

Now that I'm dealing with the eating disorder and being more picky about what goes into my mouth and thinking about foods that I'm eating (including planning meals), I'm finding there are foods that I don't like.  Not just that, but I don't love eating.  I have a love affair with a few particular foods, but for the most part, I really don't love food like I thought I did.

This has only been a recent discovery, and one that I like.  It makes dealing with food more pleasant of an experience though lately it hasn't been too bad of one.  The longer I stick with this eating healthy plan, the easier it becomes.

Just as an example, I use to love fried food.  It's rare that I even touch it now.  The thought of it kind of actually turns my stomach and if it doesn't, the taste of it does.  Can't do french fries, chicken fingers, fried fish or most take out, really.  This is good, since not only is it full of calories, it's loaded with sodium and other bad things like saturated fat and cholesterol.

I'm also learning that I enjoy foods like green and red peppers, tomatoes and carrots.  Though I don't enjoy dark green vegetables very much, I do get in quite a bit of them because I know it's healthy for me.  I've cut out the white processed breads and switched to whole grain and wheat breads and they're not bad at all.  My favorite fruits are oranges and kiwis but I also love gala or fuji apples if I can't have one of the first two choices.

So, it's not second nature yet, but I'm looking forward to when I don't have to think about it anymore and I'm just reaching for this stuff naturally.  I'm not sure how long it will take.  I've spent years eating poorly.  I wouldn't say my whole life, because my mom didn't raise me to make poor food choices, but at least since I've lived on my own.  But, I have a good support system in place and I'm sticking with it and that's what matters.

P.S. No post yesterday, I slept through most of the day.  Hopefully due to healing and not just random laziness.

The Stakes are High

I don't usually gamble, because I know that I tend to have an addictive personality and get hooked on things easily.  Even something as simple as Farmville.  It was hard to give that game up.  I needed a 12-step program for both it and for deleting my Facebook account.

All kidding aside, the one thing I wont risk taking chances on now, is my life.  I mean, I've done that already with allowing myself to get the size that I currently am by having unresolved psych issues with the eating disorder that I didn't know existed.  But I'm not going to continue to gamble with my life by jumping into something as risky as surgery.

Now, I'm actually not anti-surgery or anti-gastric bypass.  I think that this is a remarkable way for someone to get healthy if they've been struggling with weight issues their whole life - if it is right for them.  However, I just want to say do the research to make sure you know what you're getting into, which I've done for over two years.

As I've mentioned in the past, I've been looking into gastric bypass surgery for a long time and this is actually my second time going through the process to have the surgery done.  The first time I passed the psych evaluation to have the procedure done but the second time I did not.  This was a blessing in disguise, truly.  I can't even imagine what would have happened to me if I had gone through with the surgery the first time after being approved and then had a binging episode.  I likely could or would have died.

Not even considering that I may struggle with binging my whole life for a moment,  let me just got over some of the other aspects of post-surgery that I have to worry about.  There was the constant vitamin and mineral deficiency because of the amount of food I'd be restricted to which could possibly also lead to hair loss, anemia and bone loss.  Other long term side effects could include ulcers, gallstones and bowel obstructions.

The short term side effects from the surgery are even more terrifying and include hernia, leaking, bleeding, abdominal pain, respiratory failure and my favorite: DEATH.  Ok, to be fair, the death rate these days is down to %.01 or something very low and to continue to stay at my weight probably means I have a greater chance of dying from being obese by a certain age. 

However, I have a child to think of and a husband I love, and this is why I am choosing the weight loss route and the therapy for my binge eating disorder to take care of my problem.  Also, for those considering surgery if you happen to read this, don't let my decision not to have the surgery change your mind to not have it.  These are my reasons and they're good for me.  There are so many positive benefits from the surgery, too, and it gets you healthy and that's what's important.  Remember, it's about making sure you're in a good place before you take that step.

So, with that said, I guess I have to say that I am choosing to bet on myself this time.  Not the doctors.  I've got everything riding on myself and the work I've done so far and the progress I've made.  I don't think it's too early to be excited because I'm making good progress compared to attempts to lose weight in the past and recently I've been feeling proud of myself.  I've never really felt proud of myself for this, but I'm giving it my all.  I deserve to.

Hot damn, I'm on a roll here!

P.S. - It's good to see you again, Motivation.  Perhaps a post about you tomorrow?  I'm thinking maybe it's time.