Something that comes up in therapy every now and then, even after all these months, is if I ever throw up what I eat. I do not purge. I have never purged. Not only can I not imagine myself doing anything to make myself purge, but I don't, in any way, enjoy the thought of making the contents of my stomach come back up.
Before being told about the binge eating disorder, I really just thought I loved eating, so to make anything I just ate come back up would be unthinkable. I just went through the effort to enjoy eating whatever it was I had. I want to digest that really delicious food and it seems like a huge waste of money and time to not allow that to happen.
Now that I'm dealing with the eating disorder and being more picky about what goes into my mouth and thinking about foods that I'm eating (including planning meals), I'm finding there are foods that I don't like. Not just that, but I don't love eating. I have a love affair with a few particular foods, but for the most part, I really don't love food like I thought I did.
This has only been a recent discovery, and one that I like. It makes dealing with food more pleasant of an experience though lately it hasn't been too bad of one. The longer I stick with this eating healthy plan, the easier it becomes.
Just as an example, I use to love fried food. It's rare that I even touch it now. The thought of it kind of actually turns my stomach and if it doesn't, the taste of it does. Can't do french fries, chicken fingers, fried fish or most take out, really. This is good, since not only is it full of calories, it's loaded with sodium and other bad things like saturated fat and cholesterol.
I'm also learning that I enjoy foods like green and red peppers, tomatoes and carrots. Though I don't enjoy dark green vegetables very much, I do get in quite a bit of them because I know it's healthy for me. I've cut out the white processed breads and switched to whole grain and wheat breads and they're not bad at all. My favorite fruits are oranges and kiwis but I also love gala or fuji apples if I can't have one of the first two choices.
So, it's not second nature yet, but I'm looking forward to when I don't have to think about it anymore and I'm just reaching for this stuff naturally. I'm not sure how long it will take. I've spent years eating poorly. I wouldn't say my whole life, because my mom didn't raise me to make poor food choices, but at least since I've lived on my own. But, I have a good support system in place and I'm sticking with it and that's what matters.
P.S. No post yesterday, I slept through most of the day. Hopefully due to healing and not just random laziness.
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