Part of my therapy process has been trying to learn what my triggers are for binge eating. Sometimes it's simple things like having a food item in the house that I just want to eat and the go overboard with it. More often for me, it's tied to emotions. I use food as a way to feel better and for someone who already has has a mood disorder you can probably guess, this is a really bad way to cope for someone who frequently rides the EOE (Emotional Overload Express).
Many times I set myself up for binging episodes without thinking about the consequences of my actions. It involves dealing with people I care about and expecting them to behave towards me or my requests in a particular way. When they let me down, I get upset, it triggers that compulsive eating and there I am, feeling physically an emotionally sick because I just ate myself stupid once again.
Ok, now that is an oversimplified explanation and only someone who has been through this (surely just about everyone, right?) and identified and dealt with the pain of constant rejection of a family member (or someone you care about) who you expect to be there or to follow through with something they're going to do or say is going to really understand the kind of hurt I am talking about here. I am not talking about a random occasion, I am talking about years of consistent and repeated events of being let down with no attempts of apologies or remorse when truly having made a mistake.
So, I thought that the easy solution for myself was, "Don't set yourself up for these kinds of disappointments, Rachael, by expecting things from others and simply just don't interact with that person at all." (I don't take complete credit for that, I have a therapist you know!) This only kind of works, because I have to be willing to commit to the cutting that person out of my life completely. I don't want to do that, because I love that person even if they have faults.
This leaves me with a solution of accepting their faults, knowing they're more than likely going to let me down or not meet my expectations again in the future, because that's what they do and learn how to let these things roll off my back and not send me packing on at trip down the EOE. (Again, thank you therapy.)
My only problem here is I don't know how to stop desperately wanting the person who lets me down the most to stop letting me down and just be there. I think, "That would stop some binging episodes, right?" I also know it would not teach me how to control the binging at all, nor would it teach me how to deal with the shattering disappointment that comes with being let down when expecting a certain outcome.
So there it is, I have my answer, I know what I have to do, but now I have to accept it. That's the hard part and I'm working on it. Life needs an on switch for everything. "I need to change a behavior? Oh let me just flip the switch for that right over .... here.... got it! All better." I'll get it figure out eventually, I figure.
Before I go, I have to add that I have considered that my expectations of my family might be unreasonable and I haven't realized that yet - or is thinking about it possibly realizing it? Either way, I'm not ruling anything out this early in the game and I am considering it more.
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