When we moved to this base in 2006, I was about the weight I am now which is around 400lbs. I could get around a bit, though not as well as I'm getting around now since I'm really putting some serious effort into losing weight, but I could walk and such. So I spent some time outside and socializing with the neighbors, but not much.
Once we moved onto the base a few months after getting here, I pretty much became a shut in and didn't leave my house after. So for the next 4 years or so, while gaining all that extra weight that prevented me from doing things as simple as being able to walk, I didn't want to go out and socialize and meet my neighbors or make friends. Now as I'm losing the weight I am so over that.
The weight is coming off and yeah, it might only be 60 pounds or so but I feel good, I don't want to be sitting in my damn house, I want to be outside and I want to know people and I want to be social. Hello, world, I want to know you! It helps that I have some damn good medications for the first time in my life for my mood disorder, too, but being in a good place with my weight loss and knowing what's coming for my future and where I'm going with my body plays a huge part in this as well.
So last night, I let my dog out in the backyard and my neighbor was outside with some of her friends having a get together and she invited me over. I did try to refuse at first, but she got me over. It was around 10:30 and so I went over and people came and went and I socialized and didn't feel like people were judging me or staring at me. In fact, people were friendly, talked to me, remembered my name and had conversations with me. I had such a great time!
You can't imagine my shock when I got back inside and it was 5:30 in the morning. Yeah, it was a little surprising. But it was so much fun. There was a nice fire pit, some (controlled) drinking, some (low) music and some sitting around and great conversation. Didn't matter that these people knew each other and shared stories that I didn't know because they took the time to say things like, "Wait, Rachael doesn't know the back story! You have to tell her so she knows what's going on." I felt included and it was great.
When it was just some of us girls for part of the night, we actually talked about weight issues, because some of the girls, and my neighbor particularly, are a bit heavy. None like myself, but that was ok I didn't feel uncomfortable because I'm proud of what I've done for myself and I had really great reception of what I had done on my own. My neighbor said that as soon as her husband got back from Afghanistan she'd start walking with me, too! I'm excited about that. The only reason why she can't now is because she has three children (and could you imagine trying to bring along three small kids with you on a walk)?
In addition to this, I've decided that on payday I'm going to go to Curves and get myself a membership. Yeah, I could just go to the base gym for free, but right now I would fee more comfortable being around just woman. Also, I was thinking I could meet some more non-military woman that I could be friends with. I hope so, anyway. The prospect of getting out of the house more often really seems so nice. I just really want to be more social.
I found out last night that there is a karaoke bar out in town. I haven't done karaoke since I lived in NY. I might ask the woman next door and some of the others I met to come out with me some night. I'd like to sing again. That would be a lot of fun.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Progress & Change
Ok, my expectations were far too high and I did not meet my goal. But that's ok, because I'm not unhappy! I'm still down a significant amount of weight and I'm super thrilled. I'm in high spirits and feeling fantastic.
I've noticed a change in the muscles in my legs this week from all the walking I've been doing. Not only can I walk faster, but I can go a bit further without needing to rest. This is really exciting, because I feel that it wont be much longer that I can go around the block without too much trouble. I never would have though years ago that there would be a time in my life that walking around the block would be a challenge, but here I am.
I've had no food issues in a long time. I can't even recall without looking back on old entries (and I don't want to) when I last had trouble with binging. I think that says something about both proper medication and self control. I'm proud of how far I've come since starting my cognitive behavioral therapy in March.
My next therapy session is on Thursday and I am really looking forward to seeing my therapist. My last appointment with her was last month because of that crazy time in the beginning of this month with the military. Had to hold off on seeing her until we got things settled. I really can't wait to tell her about everything going on.
I bought my guitar this week. It will arrive sometime within the next two weeks. I special ordered it from The Musician's Friend. It was more exciting and scary than it was purchasing my first car as a teenager. To have music in my life again is going to be amazing. It hasn't been since I was a teenager that I've really played an instrument. I look forward to this. Once I have the instrument, I'm going to find myself an instructor and get lessons. I wont be doing this halfheartedly. I really want to learn.
I don't foresee any major events in the future that could create any real major anxiety or binge eating situations. I know I will eventually have to move to the new base and I've got that pretty much under control. This house is clean and I'm staying on top of it, ready for the move when it comes so short of something completely out of left field at this point I'm just about ready for anything.
I say, bring it on!
I've noticed a change in the muscles in my legs this week from all the walking I've been doing. Not only can I walk faster, but I can go a bit further without needing to rest. This is really exciting, because I feel that it wont be much longer that I can go around the block without too much trouble. I never would have though years ago that there would be a time in my life that walking around the block would be a challenge, but here I am.
I've had no food issues in a long time. I can't even recall without looking back on old entries (and I don't want to) when I last had trouble with binging. I think that says something about both proper medication and self control. I'm proud of how far I've come since starting my cognitive behavioral therapy in March.
My next therapy session is on Thursday and I am really looking forward to seeing my therapist. My last appointment with her was last month because of that crazy time in the beginning of this month with the military. Had to hold off on seeing her until we got things settled. I really can't wait to tell her about everything going on.
I bought my guitar this week. It will arrive sometime within the next two weeks. I special ordered it from The Musician's Friend. It was more exciting and scary than it was purchasing my first car as a teenager. To have music in my life again is going to be amazing. It hasn't been since I was a teenager that I've really played an instrument. I look forward to this. Once I have the instrument, I'm going to find myself an instructor and get lessons. I wont be doing this halfheartedly. I really want to learn.
I don't foresee any major events in the future that could create any real major anxiety or binge eating situations. I know I will eventually have to move to the new base and I've got that pretty much under control. This house is clean and I'm staying on top of it, ready for the move when it comes so short of something completely out of left field at this point I'm just about ready for anything.
I say, bring it on!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Smelling the Roses
I've been extraordinarily good to myself since my last post a few days ago. As promised, I stuck to my plan to eat right and I'm losing weight again and hope to see myself under 400 pounds by the end of next week. This isn't an unreasonable goal.
Today my husband and I were going to take the little one to the beach, but because it ended up being overcast and only about 72F outside, we decided on a trip to the park instead. I posted a picture on my twitter account, if you want to check it out over here. The base recently built it and not only is it beautiful, but the ground is made out of this strange cork looking material and when you walk on it, it is spongy and bounces. I love it!
We were there for an hour, I couldn't believe it when we got in the car. Not only that, but I stood almost the entire time we were there. Not something I could have done months ago. I wanted to stay longer, but my son came over when I was on the phone with my mother for a moment and had heavy eyelids so I knew it was time to go home. Brought my camera with me, too, but sadly I hadn't charged my battery in a while so after four pictures and a minute and a half of video it died. I wont let that happen again.
My doctor appointment on Friday bothered me. Turns out my cholesterol level jumped 30 points since my last blood work in April. I asked her how this was possible, since my diet has vastly improved since February and she said it could be hereditary. Concerned, I asked if it could be because of one of my new medications that I take for my mood disorder, but she said no. I was not convinced, however.
When I returned home, I looked up the side effects. Sure enough, two of the side effects are elevated sugar levels and elevated cholesterol! Disturbing, to say the least, but now I have a prescription for the cholesterol problem. However, I have to go for another test for my blood sugar though I can't recall the name of it. It's the one where you have to drink the orange soda-like liquid and they take your blood three times over three hours. I'll be doing that sometime over the next two weeks once I work out the car arrangement with my husband.
In the meantime, I have left messages with both the physician that prescribed the medication with the side effects to ask if it's possible that this medication caused the jump since I started it in June considering my diet change and left a message with my primary doctor indicating that this was indeed a side effect. This is two times now that my primary care attending RN has let me down when it has come to my health and I think that it is time to write a letter of concern to my health insurance company and request a change in physicians.
Once I get this other test done, the results of all my blood work will be forwarded along with my request to see an Endocrinologist to make sure there aren't any additional issues with my thyroid, since I have issues with thinning hair and no family history of this problem. I'll also take care of the possible onset of Type II Diabetes and my polycystic ovary syndrome which I was diagnosed with in NY before moving here to NC.
To be honest, I'm not stressing out about all of this, which I would have months ago and which probably would have led to me binge eating. I have to thank my one doctor for the best combination of mood disorder medication I have ever had in my life. I've spent more than 15 years trying to find a combination that not only keeps me from feeling depressed, but allows me to function and think clearly. I can do that now and this is the first time in my life that I feel really normal. What an amazing feeling.
In addition to being able to take care of myself, I can take care of my house and my family! So this is what it feels like to be able to get things done? I never understood how people accomplished so much in one day and still managed to have a life at the same time. Incredible!
So in addition to getting my life in order, I plan on doing many things I have thought about wanting to do for many years. Throughout middle and high school, I played the drums. I had always wished I continued on with it and gone into music in some way. Sadly, I did not. One of the big reasons I did not was because of my mood disorder and my lack of being on a medication that allowed me to be stable. Now that I am doing so well, I am going to really get back into music, just for me.
I don't plan to run out and join a band or anything, that would be a little silly I think. However, I would like to buy a guitar and get some lessons just to enjoy playing. A friend of mine plays a little bass and I think it would be fun to hang out with her and play if I could learn a bit. Having already discussed this with my husband, the purchase has been approved and I am looking to do this within the next month or two. I am very excited.
That's about it for now. This post was less about weight loss today and more about being good to myself and taking care of myself. All of that though contributes to me not binging or overeating. I feel great and I'm looking forward to continuing to feel this way.
Today my husband and I were going to take the little one to the beach, but because it ended up being overcast and only about 72F outside, we decided on a trip to the park instead. I posted a picture on my twitter account, if you want to check it out over here. The base recently built it and not only is it beautiful, but the ground is made out of this strange cork looking material and when you walk on it, it is spongy and bounces. I love it!
We were there for an hour, I couldn't believe it when we got in the car. Not only that, but I stood almost the entire time we were there. Not something I could have done months ago. I wanted to stay longer, but my son came over when I was on the phone with my mother for a moment and had heavy eyelids so I knew it was time to go home. Brought my camera with me, too, but sadly I hadn't charged my battery in a while so after four pictures and a minute and a half of video it died. I wont let that happen again.
My doctor appointment on Friday bothered me. Turns out my cholesterol level jumped 30 points since my last blood work in April. I asked her how this was possible, since my diet has vastly improved since February and she said it could be hereditary. Concerned, I asked if it could be because of one of my new medications that I take for my mood disorder, but she said no. I was not convinced, however.
When I returned home, I looked up the side effects. Sure enough, two of the side effects are elevated sugar levels and elevated cholesterol! Disturbing, to say the least, but now I have a prescription for the cholesterol problem. However, I have to go for another test for my blood sugar though I can't recall the name of it. It's the one where you have to drink the orange soda-like liquid and they take your blood three times over three hours. I'll be doing that sometime over the next two weeks once I work out the car arrangement with my husband.
In the meantime, I have left messages with both the physician that prescribed the medication with the side effects to ask if it's possible that this medication caused the jump since I started it in June considering my diet change and left a message with my primary doctor indicating that this was indeed a side effect. This is two times now that my primary care attending RN has let me down when it has come to my health and I think that it is time to write a letter of concern to my health insurance company and request a change in physicians.
Once I get this other test done, the results of all my blood work will be forwarded along with my request to see an Endocrinologist to make sure there aren't any additional issues with my thyroid, since I have issues with thinning hair and no family history of this problem. I'll also take care of the possible onset of Type II Diabetes and my polycystic ovary syndrome which I was diagnosed with in NY before moving here to NC.
To be honest, I'm not stressing out about all of this, which I would have months ago and which probably would have led to me binge eating. I have to thank my one doctor for the best combination of mood disorder medication I have ever had in my life. I've spent more than 15 years trying to find a combination that not only keeps me from feeling depressed, but allows me to function and think clearly. I can do that now and this is the first time in my life that I feel really normal. What an amazing feeling.
In addition to being able to take care of myself, I can take care of my house and my family! So this is what it feels like to be able to get things done? I never understood how people accomplished so much in one day and still managed to have a life at the same time. Incredible!
So in addition to getting my life in order, I plan on doing many things I have thought about wanting to do for many years. Throughout middle and high school, I played the drums. I had always wished I continued on with it and gone into music in some way. Sadly, I did not. One of the big reasons I did not was because of my mood disorder and my lack of being on a medication that allowed me to be stable. Now that I am doing so well, I am going to really get back into music, just for me.
I don't plan to run out and join a band or anything, that would be a little silly I think. However, I would like to buy a guitar and get some lessons just to enjoy playing. A friend of mine plays a little bass and I think it would be fun to hang out with her and play if I could learn a bit. Having already discussed this with my husband, the purchase has been approved and I am looking to do this within the next month or two. I am very excited.
That's about it for now. This post was less about weight loss today and more about being good to myself and taking care of myself. All of that though contributes to me not binging or overeating. I feel great and I'm looking forward to continuing to feel this way.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Feeling Good
Stress free! Surprising, right? Well, the military has moved my husband's job to a base about an hour away and until we get housing there we can stay in housing where we are until then and that means that my son can continue at the school he is in until we move which take a huge load off my mind. This also means no stress about moving!
We had our carpets cleaned anyway and I've been keeping up on the house so it still looks gorgeous. I've been feeling good about the way things are going here and I haven't binged at all this entire time and I'm really proud of myself for that.
Sadly I have not ate healthy this entire time, haven't written a thing in my food diary and have lost no weight. I haven't gained, either, but it's time to get my rear end back on track with health eating and I am going to start that today as I have made a promise to myself to do that.
My doctor has put me on some really great medications for my mood disorder and I am finally feeling the full affects of them after about two months. It's wonderful. Life is different when you don't have an underlying feeling of constant depression. I can think more clearly and I can understand what it means to love myself. With all honesty I can absolutely say that I do.
Last Friday I went out and had my hair done. I had it cut and put some blond highlights in. Afterward, I picked up a new pair of tweezers, some nail polish and some new shampoo then came home and took care of the caterpillars on my face that could only be described as my eyebrows. Following that, I polished my nails and it made me feel like a million dollars.
It as during a conversation I had with a friend that she said, "It's amazing how we feel when our medication works, isn't it?" Yes. Yes it is.
It's also let me decide on other things that I've always wanted to do that I just have either put off, or felt like I couldn't do because I felt like I was too fat or maybe because I was too depressed due to my mood disorder. The first being guitar lessons. I have always been interested in playing guitar, ever since I was a teenager. Growing up, I've taken music lessons for instruments of all kinds. I played percussion (drums) throughout middle school and high school along with violin, flute, trumpet and french horn (none which I can play any longer because I simply do not remember except for percussion since I played that the longest).
The second being I've always wanted to get my lip pierced. I'm going to do it, because I have wanted it done since I was about twenty or so and just haven't. That way more than ten years and I figure if I've wanted something for that long, than it's isn't some passing fancy. Plus, it's something I can remove later in life if I do outgrow it. I was considering a microdermal implant, but considering how permanent it is, that I might not go with.
The last will be a tattoo, but that will wait until I get the weight off which wont be for many more years. Well, perhaps one to two years? I hope it wont be more than that. I do have a long way to go, this is true, but I am going down, not up and I am determined to stick with this. I have wanted a tattoo since I was a teenager. Another body modification that has not gone away. I actually want two. One of a dragon, as I was born year of the dragon and another of a goat for my son, as he was born year of the goat. I know, a goat, right? That one, I will reconsider to something more tasteful to represent him. I have time, like I said, the weight needs to come off, first.
I will admit that recently I have been reconsidering the gastric bypass surgery, especially with the recent health issues I've had with the cellulitis. I have an appointment with my primary physician on Friday to get my blood work results to see what my status is for the potential for Type II Diabetes. Obviously with my weight I am high risk, but at least it is something that will be controlled with medication and once the weight goes down, be corrected again.
I know I let myself be crippled by food for a long time in my life, but I am just not going to allow that to continue to happen. Whatever I need to do to get everything taken care of, I will. So, the surgery is just a thought right now. I'm not jumping on that, I'm just thinking about it. I do have to see the surgery again soon anyway for a review of what I've been doing, since he was the one that put my surgery on hold in the first place so I would start seeing the therapist for the eating disorder and such. I still don't want to cut up my insides and I just might not have to.
I wont rush into any decisions right now.
We had our carpets cleaned anyway and I've been keeping up on the house so it still looks gorgeous. I've been feeling good about the way things are going here and I haven't binged at all this entire time and I'm really proud of myself for that.
Sadly I have not ate healthy this entire time, haven't written a thing in my food diary and have lost no weight. I haven't gained, either, but it's time to get my rear end back on track with health eating and I am going to start that today as I have made a promise to myself to do that.
My doctor has put me on some really great medications for my mood disorder and I am finally feeling the full affects of them after about two months. It's wonderful. Life is different when you don't have an underlying feeling of constant depression. I can think more clearly and I can understand what it means to love myself. With all honesty I can absolutely say that I do.
Last Friday I went out and had my hair done. I had it cut and put some blond highlights in. Afterward, I picked up a new pair of tweezers, some nail polish and some new shampoo then came home and took care of the caterpillars on my face that could only be described as my eyebrows. Following that, I polished my nails and it made me feel like a million dollars.
It as during a conversation I had with a friend that she said, "It's amazing how we feel when our medication works, isn't it?" Yes. Yes it is.
It's also let me decide on other things that I've always wanted to do that I just have either put off, or felt like I couldn't do because I felt like I was too fat or maybe because I was too depressed due to my mood disorder. The first being guitar lessons. I have always been interested in playing guitar, ever since I was a teenager. Growing up, I've taken music lessons for instruments of all kinds. I played percussion (drums) throughout middle school and high school along with violin, flute, trumpet and french horn (none which I can play any longer because I simply do not remember except for percussion since I played that the longest).
The second being I've always wanted to get my lip pierced. I'm going to do it, because I have wanted it done since I was about twenty or so and just haven't. That way more than ten years and I figure if I've wanted something for that long, than it's isn't some passing fancy. Plus, it's something I can remove later in life if I do outgrow it. I was considering a microdermal implant, but considering how permanent it is, that I might not go with.
The last will be a tattoo, but that will wait until I get the weight off which wont be for many more years. Well, perhaps one to two years? I hope it wont be more than that. I do have a long way to go, this is true, but I am going down, not up and I am determined to stick with this. I have wanted a tattoo since I was a teenager. Another body modification that has not gone away. I actually want two. One of a dragon, as I was born year of the dragon and another of a goat for my son, as he was born year of the goat. I know, a goat, right? That one, I will reconsider to something more tasteful to represent him. I have time, like I said, the weight needs to come off, first.
I will admit that recently I have been reconsidering the gastric bypass surgery, especially with the recent health issues I've had with the cellulitis. I have an appointment with my primary physician on Friday to get my blood work results to see what my status is for the potential for Type II Diabetes. Obviously with my weight I am high risk, but at least it is something that will be controlled with medication and once the weight goes down, be corrected again.
I know I let myself be crippled by food for a long time in my life, but I am just not going to allow that to continue to happen. Whatever I need to do to get everything taken care of, I will. So, the surgery is just a thought right now. I'm not jumping on that, I'm just thinking about it. I do have to see the surgery again soon anyway for a review of what I've been doing, since he was the one that put my surgery on hold in the first place so I would start seeing the therapist for the eating disorder and such. I still don't want to cut up my insides and I just might not have to.
I wont rush into any decisions right now.
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