I haven't updated in ages. First off, my computer died. Thankfully, I've been able to use my husband's computer. So I hop on every now and then to do the basic computer-type things.
Second, I have been stuck at about 405-409lbs forever. I really dislike hitting plateaus!!! They are so frustrating, I have to tell you. So this morning I decided to add some more exercise to my routine. I went to bed at 10:30 and got out of bed at 5:30. I came downstairs and I did some stretching then got on the treadmill and did some running. Now running, I only did 1.5 minutes of and stopped. That's ok with me, because when I use to not be able to walk, I only started out at about a minute and now I can walk everywhere! So, babysteps. This is my first day and I am not dissapointed.
So good things have happened since my last post. In November, I went to Georgia to visit my friend Jamie who I haven't seen since 2008. While I was there, we went to the grocery store so I could pick up some food to eat. That was my first walk around a store since I had lost all that weight and it was, for me, exciting. I hadn't walked around a grocery store, or any kind of store, in a long time. Well over a year, maybe even two years. Very thrilling. I loved it. My legs held up great! My back hurt when we left, but that's to be expected.
Back here at home, we have a screen enclosed porch attached to the back of the unit we live in on base housing. We haven't used it since moving in years ago so it was dirty and had spiders and webs. Well, since becoming friends with my neighbors, who used theirs, I really wanted to clean mine out and buy some chairs and a table for it to hang out in. My neighbor, Courtney, lent me her hose and I washed it out by myself. It took about 40 minutes or so and I got it all cleaned out. It looked great and I felt really proud of myself for doing it. My husband helped me clean the mold off the paneling and wood, mostly because I'm short and couldn't reach it all by myself, haha!
After that, we went to Walmart together and we picked out a nice metal and glass table and two canvas chairs for the enclosed space. I love it. It looks fantastic and I completed that project and did shopping for it. I really feel good about doing these things.
Thanksgiving went well! My husband, son and I spent our Thanksgiving with our friends. Everyone brought a dish and we all ate together. I had never done anything like that and it was so wonderful. I had a great time and I didn't feel weird about eating around people. I didn't feel like people were staring at me either. Also, I didn't over eat at all and I didn't feel the need to stack up my plate with food.
Therapy is going well. I've been working on the issues I need to, to have the surgery. But recently I found out that my Nana (my mother's mother) had thyroid problems, and my mother just had her thyroid removed and this issue has come up with my doctor as well. Due due my hair loss, my facial hair growth, my polycystic overies and some bloodwork issues I'll have to see an endocrynologyst before considering surgery. This is ok though, because if there are issues with my body, I want them taken care of so I can be healthy, especially if this means that I don't need to have surgery. In the meantime, I am not giving up on my healthy eating and exercise.
Another exciting event for me was moving from sleeping on the couch to sleeping in my bed again with my husband. For a long time, because of my weight, I wasn't able to sleep in my bed. It was too painful on my knees, neck, back and stomach. Now I can sleep in the bed once more. It's great. I get a much better night sleep than I ever did on the couch. The couch was actually starting to cause me severe discomfort. It's also good to be back in the bed with my husband. I hadn't slept with him for years.
My husband and I also went out on a date recently! I haven't been out on a date with him in ages. Mostly because I have issues about eating in public. We decided to go to a buffet for lunch which I was concerned about, not because of eating in front of people, but because it was a buffet that does Chinese, Japanese, American, Hibachi and Sushi. I haven't binged in well over 8 months but I do still over eat sometimes.
I feel I did great though. The only fied food I had was pork fried rice and because I always measure my food at home, I'm pretty good at eyeballing my servings and I gave myself about 1/4 cup of that. I didn't even fill my plate and I only made one trip. I did lots of vegetables and their vegetables were great there! They weren't soggy at all, lots of crisp veggies. Though I stayed away from most of the stuff that was in sauces due to high sodium. The best part of the meal for me though was the sushi, which is my favorite. I had four pieces (they were smaller than the sizes of a American quarters). To drink I had water, which is what I always drink at home.
When I left the resteraunt, I felt full and not like I was going to die from having stuffed myself which was a good feeling so I was proud of how well I did at the buffet. So that was the first time I had eaten out since 2008, which was also the last time I was with Jamie. She and I had gone out to Applebees when she came to visit.
So that's what's happened since my last update. I'm sure there has been more I've left out, but I'll try to update again before Christmas. There is a lot going on, both my mother and my husband's are coming to visit so we have to get the house ready. Looking forward to that. Also have a Christmas party on the 17th! I can't believe I'm going to a Christmas party! This is a big deal for me, because I never use to socialize and now I have friends. I'm sure I'll write about it.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Making New Goals
I don't even know where to start, other than to say, "Man, I have really neglected my writing here." It's true, I wish I could say, "I've been so busy!" or "Life sure has been hectic lately!" It hasn't been. At all. Life has been normal and fine. I've just been incredibly lazy about writing on this thing.
What I have been doing, however, is a lot of thinking after going to several doctor appointments and going through a three hour glucose test. Turns out that despite dropping 60 points and my 3 month sugars actually going from 6.2 down to 5.0, my fasting glucose has gotten worse. I asked my doctor how this is possible since March since I've gone down in weight, added exercise to my daily routine and improved my diet drastically and she says she doesn't know.
My therapist hinted it was something I was doing. I think she might have insinuated that I've been cheating with my foods. How is that possible? I have been losing weight! That kind of made me angry, but whatever. I'm over it, because I know I haven't been. Hell, since the 3 hour glucose test, and being put on another medication, I have swapped out foods to reduce my carb intake further so I can make sure I am eating my healthiest.
Some of these things were instead of honey ham I've switched to baked ham, instead of honey wheat bread I've switched to whole wheat bread. I don't use sugar anymore, but I wasn't using sugar anyway. I switched to sugar substitute a while back. I haven't drank sodas in who knows how long. Not even diet sodas. It's either water or crystal light.
But with these recent health issues, including the fact that I had that cellulitis problem for over a month requiring 2 antibiotics to combat (one cycle over three weeks long), I've come to a decision to go ahead with the gastric bypass surgery. Though this decision was not made lightly and it was made with the help of my husband's input, I felt that in the end it was far better for my heath that I do this.
Today I had therapy with my cognitive behavioral therapist and we discussed this. While she felt that my reasons for the decision were good, I wasn't where I needed to be to have the surgery. I didn't agree with her and when she asked what time frame I was looking at for the surgery and I said the next three months, she definitely felt that I was pushing myself despite the fact that I haven't binged in so long I can't even remember and that I no longer over eat.
Honestly, I cried. I was angry to hear this. But I don't want to trip up after the surgery if I'm really not ready and hurt myself by binging. So we're going to go ahead and continue to work on what we need to in therapy so I can get where I need to be so I can have a successful surgery and be healthy afterward. That's what I want.
In the meantime, I'm going to go ahead and continue with my exercise, weight loss and eating healthy like nothing has changed. There is no reason to give any of that up because that is a lifestyle change that I intend to keep forever. Those all feel good anyway, and I like the way I feel with those changes.
What I have been doing, however, is a lot of thinking after going to several doctor appointments and going through a three hour glucose test. Turns out that despite dropping 60 points and my 3 month sugars actually going from 6.2 down to 5.0, my fasting glucose has gotten worse. I asked my doctor how this is possible since March since I've gone down in weight, added exercise to my daily routine and improved my diet drastically and she says she doesn't know.
My therapist hinted it was something I was doing. I think she might have insinuated that I've been cheating with my foods. How is that possible? I have been losing weight! That kind of made me angry, but whatever. I'm over it, because I know I haven't been. Hell, since the 3 hour glucose test, and being put on another medication, I have swapped out foods to reduce my carb intake further so I can make sure I am eating my healthiest.
Some of these things were instead of honey ham I've switched to baked ham, instead of honey wheat bread I've switched to whole wheat bread. I don't use sugar anymore, but I wasn't using sugar anyway. I switched to sugar substitute a while back. I haven't drank sodas in who knows how long. Not even diet sodas. It's either water or crystal light.
But with these recent health issues, including the fact that I had that cellulitis problem for over a month requiring 2 antibiotics to combat (one cycle over three weeks long), I've come to a decision to go ahead with the gastric bypass surgery. Though this decision was not made lightly and it was made with the help of my husband's input, I felt that in the end it was far better for my heath that I do this.
Today I had therapy with my cognitive behavioral therapist and we discussed this. While she felt that my reasons for the decision were good, I wasn't where I needed to be to have the surgery. I didn't agree with her and when she asked what time frame I was looking at for the surgery and I said the next three months, she definitely felt that I was pushing myself despite the fact that I haven't binged in so long I can't even remember and that I no longer over eat.
Honestly, I cried. I was angry to hear this. But I don't want to trip up after the surgery if I'm really not ready and hurt myself by binging. So we're going to go ahead and continue to work on what we need to in therapy so I can get where I need to be so I can have a successful surgery and be healthy afterward. That's what I want.
In the meantime, I'm going to go ahead and continue with my exercise, weight loss and eating healthy like nothing has changed. There is no reason to give any of that up because that is a lifestyle change that I intend to keep forever. Those all feel good anyway, and I like the way I feel with those changes.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Out and About
When we moved to this base in 2006, I was about the weight I am now which is around 400lbs. I could get around a bit, though not as well as I'm getting around now since I'm really putting some serious effort into losing weight, but I could walk and such. So I spent some time outside and socializing with the neighbors, but not much.
Once we moved onto the base a few months after getting here, I pretty much became a shut in and didn't leave my house after. So for the next 4 years or so, while gaining all that extra weight that prevented me from doing things as simple as being able to walk, I didn't want to go out and socialize and meet my neighbors or make friends. Now as I'm losing the weight I am so over that.
The weight is coming off and yeah, it might only be 60 pounds or so but I feel good, I don't want to be sitting in my damn house, I want to be outside and I want to know people and I want to be social. Hello, world, I want to know you! It helps that I have some damn good medications for the first time in my life for my mood disorder, too, but being in a good place with my weight loss and knowing what's coming for my future and where I'm going with my body plays a huge part in this as well.
So last night, I let my dog out in the backyard and my neighbor was outside with some of her friends having a get together and she invited me over. I did try to refuse at first, but she got me over. It was around 10:30 and so I went over and people came and went and I socialized and didn't feel like people were judging me or staring at me. In fact, people were friendly, talked to me, remembered my name and had conversations with me. I had such a great time!
You can't imagine my shock when I got back inside and it was 5:30 in the morning. Yeah, it was a little surprising. But it was so much fun. There was a nice fire pit, some (controlled) drinking, some (low) music and some sitting around and great conversation. Didn't matter that these people knew each other and shared stories that I didn't know because they took the time to say things like, "Wait, Rachael doesn't know the back story! You have to tell her so she knows what's going on." I felt included and it was great.
When it was just some of us girls for part of the night, we actually talked about weight issues, because some of the girls, and my neighbor particularly, are a bit heavy. None like myself, but that was ok I didn't feel uncomfortable because I'm proud of what I've done for myself and I had really great reception of what I had done on my own. My neighbor said that as soon as her husband got back from Afghanistan she'd start walking with me, too! I'm excited about that. The only reason why she can't now is because she has three children (and could you imagine trying to bring along three small kids with you on a walk)?
In addition to this, I've decided that on payday I'm going to go to Curves and get myself a membership. Yeah, I could just go to the base gym for free, but right now I would fee more comfortable being around just woman. Also, I was thinking I could meet some more non-military woman that I could be friends with. I hope so, anyway. The prospect of getting out of the house more often really seems so nice. I just really want to be more social.
I found out last night that there is a karaoke bar out in town. I haven't done karaoke since I lived in NY. I might ask the woman next door and some of the others I met to come out with me some night. I'd like to sing again. That would be a lot of fun.
Once we moved onto the base a few months after getting here, I pretty much became a shut in and didn't leave my house after. So for the next 4 years or so, while gaining all that extra weight that prevented me from doing things as simple as being able to walk, I didn't want to go out and socialize and meet my neighbors or make friends. Now as I'm losing the weight I am so over that.
The weight is coming off and yeah, it might only be 60 pounds or so but I feel good, I don't want to be sitting in my damn house, I want to be outside and I want to know people and I want to be social. Hello, world, I want to know you! It helps that I have some damn good medications for the first time in my life for my mood disorder, too, but being in a good place with my weight loss and knowing what's coming for my future and where I'm going with my body plays a huge part in this as well.
So last night, I let my dog out in the backyard and my neighbor was outside with some of her friends having a get together and she invited me over. I did try to refuse at first, but she got me over. It was around 10:30 and so I went over and people came and went and I socialized and didn't feel like people were judging me or staring at me. In fact, people were friendly, talked to me, remembered my name and had conversations with me. I had such a great time!
You can't imagine my shock when I got back inside and it was 5:30 in the morning. Yeah, it was a little surprising. But it was so much fun. There was a nice fire pit, some (controlled) drinking, some (low) music and some sitting around and great conversation. Didn't matter that these people knew each other and shared stories that I didn't know because they took the time to say things like, "Wait, Rachael doesn't know the back story! You have to tell her so she knows what's going on." I felt included and it was great.
When it was just some of us girls for part of the night, we actually talked about weight issues, because some of the girls, and my neighbor particularly, are a bit heavy. None like myself, but that was ok I didn't feel uncomfortable because I'm proud of what I've done for myself and I had really great reception of what I had done on my own. My neighbor said that as soon as her husband got back from Afghanistan she'd start walking with me, too! I'm excited about that. The only reason why she can't now is because she has three children (and could you imagine trying to bring along three small kids with you on a walk)?
In addition to this, I've decided that on payday I'm going to go to Curves and get myself a membership. Yeah, I could just go to the base gym for free, but right now I would fee more comfortable being around just woman. Also, I was thinking I could meet some more non-military woman that I could be friends with. I hope so, anyway. The prospect of getting out of the house more often really seems so nice. I just really want to be more social.
I found out last night that there is a karaoke bar out in town. I haven't done karaoke since I lived in NY. I might ask the woman next door and some of the others I met to come out with me some night. I'd like to sing again. That would be a lot of fun.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Progress & Change
Ok, my expectations were far too high and I did not meet my goal. But that's ok, because I'm not unhappy! I'm still down a significant amount of weight and I'm super thrilled. I'm in high spirits and feeling fantastic.
I've noticed a change in the muscles in my legs this week from all the walking I've been doing. Not only can I walk faster, but I can go a bit further without needing to rest. This is really exciting, because I feel that it wont be much longer that I can go around the block without too much trouble. I never would have though years ago that there would be a time in my life that walking around the block would be a challenge, but here I am.
I've had no food issues in a long time. I can't even recall without looking back on old entries (and I don't want to) when I last had trouble with binging. I think that says something about both proper medication and self control. I'm proud of how far I've come since starting my cognitive behavioral therapy in March.
My next therapy session is on Thursday and I am really looking forward to seeing my therapist. My last appointment with her was last month because of that crazy time in the beginning of this month with the military. Had to hold off on seeing her until we got things settled. I really can't wait to tell her about everything going on.
I bought my guitar this week. It will arrive sometime within the next two weeks. I special ordered it from The Musician's Friend. It was more exciting and scary than it was purchasing my first car as a teenager. To have music in my life again is going to be amazing. It hasn't been since I was a teenager that I've really played an instrument. I look forward to this. Once I have the instrument, I'm going to find myself an instructor and get lessons. I wont be doing this halfheartedly. I really want to learn.
I don't foresee any major events in the future that could create any real major anxiety or binge eating situations. I know I will eventually have to move to the new base and I've got that pretty much under control. This house is clean and I'm staying on top of it, ready for the move when it comes so short of something completely out of left field at this point I'm just about ready for anything.
I say, bring it on!
I've noticed a change in the muscles in my legs this week from all the walking I've been doing. Not only can I walk faster, but I can go a bit further without needing to rest. This is really exciting, because I feel that it wont be much longer that I can go around the block without too much trouble. I never would have though years ago that there would be a time in my life that walking around the block would be a challenge, but here I am.
I've had no food issues in a long time. I can't even recall without looking back on old entries (and I don't want to) when I last had trouble with binging. I think that says something about both proper medication and self control. I'm proud of how far I've come since starting my cognitive behavioral therapy in March.
My next therapy session is on Thursday and I am really looking forward to seeing my therapist. My last appointment with her was last month because of that crazy time in the beginning of this month with the military. Had to hold off on seeing her until we got things settled. I really can't wait to tell her about everything going on.
I bought my guitar this week. It will arrive sometime within the next two weeks. I special ordered it from The Musician's Friend. It was more exciting and scary than it was purchasing my first car as a teenager. To have music in my life again is going to be amazing. It hasn't been since I was a teenager that I've really played an instrument. I look forward to this. Once I have the instrument, I'm going to find myself an instructor and get lessons. I wont be doing this halfheartedly. I really want to learn.
I don't foresee any major events in the future that could create any real major anxiety or binge eating situations. I know I will eventually have to move to the new base and I've got that pretty much under control. This house is clean and I'm staying on top of it, ready for the move when it comes so short of something completely out of left field at this point I'm just about ready for anything.
I say, bring it on!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Smelling the Roses
I've been extraordinarily good to myself since my last post a few days ago. As promised, I stuck to my plan to eat right and I'm losing weight again and hope to see myself under 400 pounds by the end of next week. This isn't an unreasonable goal.
Today my husband and I were going to take the little one to the beach, but because it ended up being overcast and only about 72F outside, we decided on a trip to the park instead. I posted a picture on my twitter account, if you want to check it out over here. The base recently built it and not only is it beautiful, but the ground is made out of this strange cork looking material and when you walk on it, it is spongy and bounces. I love it!
We were there for an hour, I couldn't believe it when we got in the car. Not only that, but I stood almost the entire time we were there. Not something I could have done months ago. I wanted to stay longer, but my son came over when I was on the phone with my mother for a moment and had heavy eyelids so I knew it was time to go home. Brought my camera with me, too, but sadly I hadn't charged my battery in a while so after four pictures and a minute and a half of video it died. I wont let that happen again.
My doctor appointment on Friday bothered me. Turns out my cholesterol level jumped 30 points since my last blood work in April. I asked her how this was possible, since my diet has vastly improved since February and she said it could be hereditary. Concerned, I asked if it could be because of one of my new medications that I take for my mood disorder, but she said no. I was not convinced, however.
When I returned home, I looked up the side effects. Sure enough, two of the side effects are elevated sugar levels and elevated cholesterol! Disturbing, to say the least, but now I have a prescription for the cholesterol problem. However, I have to go for another test for my blood sugar though I can't recall the name of it. It's the one where you have to drink the orange soda-like liquid and they take your blood three times over three hours. I'll be doing that sometime over the next two weeks once I work out the car arrangement with my husband.
In the meantime, I have left messages with both the physician that prescribed the medication with the side effects to ask if it's possible that this medication caused the jump since I started it in June considering my diet change and left a message with my primary doctor indicating that this was indeed a side effect. This is two times now that my primary care attending RN has let me down when it has come to my health and I think that it is time to write a letter of concern to my health insurance company and request a change in physicians.
Once I get this other test done, the results of all my blood work will be forwarded along with my request to see an Endocrinologist to make sure there aren't any additional issues with my thyroid, since I have issues with thinning hair and no family history of this problem. I'll also take care of the possible onset of Type II Diabetes and my polycystic ovary syndrome which I was diagnosed with in NY before moving here to NC.
To be honest, I'm not stressing out about all of this, which I would have months ago and which probably would have led to me binge eating. I have to thank my one doctor for the best combination of mood disorder medication I have ever had in my life. I've spent more than 15 years trying to find a combination that not only keeps me from feeling depressed, but allows me to function and think clearly. I can do that now and this is the first time in my life that I feel really normal. What an amazing feeling.
In addition to being able to take care of myself, I can take care of my house and my family! So this is what it feels like to be able to get things done? I never understood how people accomplished so much in one day and still managed to have a life at the same time. Incredible!
So in addition to getting my life in order, I plan on doing many things I have thought about wanting to do for many years. Throughout middle and high school, I played the drums. I had always wished I continued on with it and gone into music in some way. Sadly, I did not. One of the big reasons I did not was because of my mood disorder and my lack of being on a medication that allowed me to be stable. Now that I am doing so well, I am going to really get back into music, just for me.
I don't plan to run out and join a band or anything, that would be a little silly I think. However, I would like to buy a guitar and get some lessons just to enjoy playing. A friend of mine plays a little bass and I think it would be fun to hang out with her and play if I could learn a bit. Having already discussed this with my husband, the purchase has been approved and I am looking to do this within the next month or two. I am very excited.
That's about it for now. This post was less about weight loss today and more about being good to myself and taking care of myself. All of that though contributes to me not binging or overeating. I feel great and I'm looking forward to continuing to feel this way.
Today my husband and I were going to take the little one to the beach, but because it ended up being overcast and only about 72F outside, we decided on a trip to the park instead. I posted a picture on my twitter account, if you want to check it out over here. The base recently built it and not only is it beautiful, but the ground is made out of this strange cork looking material and when you walk on it, it is spongy and bounces. I love it!
We were there for an hour, I couldn't believe it when we got in the car. Not only that, but I stood almost the entire time we were there. Not something I could have done months ago. I wanted to stay longer, but my son came over when I was on the phone with my mother for a moment and had heavy eyelids so I knew it was time to go home. Brought my camera with me, too, but sadly I hadn't charged my battery in a while so after four pictures and a minute and a half of video it died. I wont let that happen again.
My doctor appointment on Friday bothered me. Turns out my cholesterol level jumped 30 points since my last blood work in April. I asked her how this was possible, since my diet has vastly improved since February and she said it could be hereditary. Concerned, I asked if it could be because of one of my new medications that I take for my mood disorder, but she said no. I was not convinced, however.
When I returned home, I looked up the side effects. Sure enough, two of the side effects are elevated sugar levels and elevated cholesterol! Disturbing, to say the least, but now I have a prescription for the cholesterol problem. However, I have to go for another test for my blood sugar though I can't recall the name of it. It's the one where you have to drink the orange soda-like liquid and they take your blood three times over three hours. I'll be doing that sometime over the next two weeks once I work out the car arrangement with my husband.
In the meantime, I have left messages with both the physician that prescribed the medication with the side effects to ask if it's possible that this medication caused the jump since I started it in June considering my diet change and left a message with my primary doctor indicating that this was indeed a side effect. This is two times now that my primary care attending RN has let me down when it has come to my health and I think that it is time to write a letter of concern to my health insurance company and request a change in physicians.
Once I get this other test done, the results of all my blood work will be forwarded along with my request to see an Endocrinologist to make sure there aren't any additional issues with my thyroid, since I have issues with thinning hair and no family history of this problem. I'll also take care of the possible onset of Type II Diabetes and my polycystic ovary syndrome which I was diagnosed with in NY before moving here to NC.
To be honest, I'm not stressing out about all of this, which I would have months ago and which probably would have led to me binge eating. I have to thank my one doctor for the best combination of mood disorder medication I have ever had in my life. I've spent more than 15 years trying to find a combination that not only keeps me from feeling depressed, but allows me to function and think clearly. I can do that now and this is the first time in my life that I feel really normal. What an amazing feeling.
In addition to being able to take care of myself, I can take care of my house and my family! So this is what it feels like to be able to get things done? I never understood how people accomplished so much in one day and still managed to have a life at the same time. Incredible!
So in addition to getting my life in order, I plan on doing many things I have thought about wanting to do for many years. Throughout middle and high school, I played the drums. I had always wished I continued on with it and gone into music in some way. Sadly, I did not. One of the big reasons I did not was because of my mood disorder and my lack of being on a medication that allowed me to be stable. Now that I am doing so well, I am going to really get back into music, just for me.
I don't plan to run out and join a band or anything, that would be a little silly I think. However, I would like to buy a guitar and get some lessons just to enjoy playing. A friend of mine plays a little bass and I think it would be fun to hang out with her and play if I could learn a bit. Having already discussed this with my husband, the purchase has been approved and I am looking to do this within the next month or two. I am very excited.
That's about it for now. This post was less about weight loss today and more about being good to myself and taking care of myself. All of that though contributes to me not binging or overeating. I feel great and I'm looking forward to continuing to feel this way.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Feeling Good
Stress free! Surprising, right? Well, the military has moved my husband's job to a base about an hour away and until we get housing there we can stay in housing where we are until then and that means that my son can continue at the school he is in until we move which take a huge load off my mind. This also means no stress about moving!
We had our carpets cleaned anyway and I've been keeping up on the house so it still looks gorgeous. I've been feeling good about the way things are going here and I haven't binged at all this entire time and I'm really proud of myself for that.
Sadly I have not ate healthy this entire time, haven't written a thing in my food diary and have lost no weight. I haven't gained, either, but it's time to get my rear end back on track with health eating and I am going to start that today as I have made a promise to myself to do that.
My doctor has put me on some really great medications for my mood disorder and I am finally feeling the full affects of them after about two months. It's wonderful. Life is different when you don't have an underlying feeling of constant depression. I can think more clearly and I can understand what it means to love myself. With all honesty I can absolutely say that I do.
Last Friday I went out and had my hair done. I had it cut and put some blond highlights in. Afterward, I picked up a new pair of tweezers, some nail polish and some new shampoo then came home and took care of the caterpillars on my face that could only be described as my eyebrows. Following that, I polished my nails and it made me feel like a million dollars.
It as during a conversation I had with a friend that she said, "It's amazing how we feel when our medication works, isn't it?" Yes. Yes it is.
It's also let me decide on other things that I've always wanted to do that I just have either put off, or felt like I couldn't do because I felt like I was too fat or maybe because I was too depressed due to my mood disorder. The first being guitar lessons. I have always been interested in playing guitar, ever since I was a teenager. Growing up, I've taken music lessons for instruments of all kinds. I played percussion (drums) throughout middle school and high school along with violin, flute, trumpet and french horn (none which I can play any longer because I simply do not remember except for percussion since I played that the longest).
The second being I've always wanted to get my lip pierced. I'm going to do it, because I have wanted it done since I was about twenty or so and just haven't. That way more than ten years and I figure if I've wanted something for that long, than it's isn't some passing fancy. Plus, it's something I can remove later in life if I do outgrow it. I was considering a microdermal implant, but considering how permanent it is, that I might not go with.
The last will be a tattoo, but that will wait until I get the weight off which wont be for many more years. Well, perhaps one to two years? I hope it wont be more than that. I do have a long way to go, this is true, but I am going down, not up and I am determined to stick with this. I have wanted a tattoo since I was a teenager. Another body modification that has not gone away. I actually want two. One of a dragon, as I was born year of the dragon and another of a goat for my son, as he was born year of the goat. I know, a goat, right? That one, I will reconsider to something more tasteful to represent him. I have time, like I said, the weight needs to come off, first.
I will admit that recently I have been reconsidering the gastric bypass surgery, especially with the recent health issues I've had with the cellulitis. I have an appointment with my primary physician on Friday to get my blood work results to see what my status is for the potential for Type II Diabetes. Obviously with my weight I am high risk, but at least it is something that will be controlled with medication and once the weight goes down, be corrected again.
I know I let myself be crippled by food for a long time in my life, but I am just not going to allow that to continue to happen. Whatever I need to do to get everything taken care of, I will. So, the surgery is just a thought right now. I'm not jumping on that, I'm just thinking about it. I do have to see the surgery again soon anyway for a review of what I've been doing, since he was the one that put my surgery on hold in the first place so I would start seeing the therapist for the eating disorder and such. I still don't want to cut up my insides and I just might not have to.
I wont rush into any decisions right now.
We had our carpets cleaned anyway and I've been keeping up on the house so it still looks gorgeous. I've been feeling good about the way things are going here and I haven't binged at all this entire time and I'm really proud of myself for that.
Sadly I have not ate healthy this entire time, haven't written a thing in my food diary and have lost no weight. I haven't gained, either, but it's time to get my rear end back on track with health eating and I am going to start that today as I have made a promise to myself to do that.
My doctor has put me on some really great medications for my mood disorder and I am finally feeling the full affects of them after about two months. It's wonderful. Life is different when you don't have an underlying feeling of constant depression. I can think more clearly and I can understand what it means to love myself. With all honesty I can absolutely say that I do.
Last Friday I went out and had my hair done. I had it cut and put some blond highlights in. Afterward, I picked up a new pair of tweezers, some nail polish and some new shampoo then came home and took care of the caterpillars on my face that could only be described as my eyebrows. Following that, I polished my nails and it made me feel like a million dollars.
It as during a conversation I had with a friend that she said, "It's amazing how we feel when our medication works, isn't it?" Yes. Yes it is.
It's also let me decide on other things that I've always wanted to do that I just have either put off, or felt like I couldn't do because I felt like I was too fat or maybe because I was too depressed due to my mood disorder. The first being guitar lessons. I have always been interested in playing guitar, ever since I was a teenager. Growing up, I've taken music lessons for instruments of all kinds. I played percussion (drums) throughout middle school and high school along with violin, flute, trumpet and french horn (none which I can play any longer because I simply do not remember except for percussion since I played that the longest).
The second being I've always wanted to get my lip pierced. I'm going to do it, because I have wanted it done since I was about twenty or so and just haven't. That way more than ten years and I figure if I've wanted something for that long, than it's isn't some passing fancy. Plus, it's something I can remove later in life if I do outgrow it. I was considering a microdermal implant, but considering how permanent it is, that I might not go with.
The last will be a tattoo, but that will wait until I get the weight off which wont be for many more years. Well, perhaps one to two years? I hope it wont be more than that. I do have a long way to go, this is true, but I am going down, not up and I am determined to stick with this. I have wanted a tattoo since I was a teenager. Another body modification that has not gone away. I actually want two. One of a dragon, as I was born year of the dragon and another of a goat for my son, as he was born year of the goat. I know, a goat, right? That one, I will reconsider to something more tasteful to represent him. I have time, like I said, the weight needs to come off, first.
I will admit that recently I have been reconsidering the gastric bypass surgery, especially with the recent health issues I've had with the cellulitis. I have an appointment with my primary physician on Friday to get my blood work results to see what my status is for the potential for Type II Diabetes. Obviously with my weight I am high risk, but at least it is something that will be controlled with medication and once the weight goes down, be corrected again.
I know I let myself be crippled by food for a long time in my life, but I am just not going to allow that to continue to happen. Whatever I need to do to get everything taken care of, I will. So, the surgery is just a thought right now. I'm not jumping on that, I'm just thinking about it. I do have to see the surgery again soon anyway for a review of what I've been doing, since he was the one that put my surgery on hold in the first place so I would start seeing the therapist for the eating disorder and such. I still don't want to cut up my insides and I just might not have to.
I wont rush into any decisions right now.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Mindgames
The military likes to screw with you. Know this. So, this week has been more than slightly hectic and nothing but pure stress. Despite this, I've managed not to binge eat or even over eat and I am truly proud of myself. What is going on, however, is that on Tuesday night we received a phone call stating we will be getting orders to move.
What we don't know is to where or when yet. Every day we're given just a little bit more information. At this point, all I know is that by Friday we should have complete details. I am surprised that I haven't cleared out my fridge of all the food and put it into my stomach. This says something about how far I've come!
Some things I've noticed myself doing in place of eating is cleaning, focusing on spending time with my son and husband, working on my computer and talking to my mother and my friends. These are all positive things and they all came to me without thinking about them or thinking about turning to food first before doing them. I hope that I continue with these habits.
I saw my physician yesterday about my leg. I was given a 7 day extension on Septra, a strong antibiotic and will be following up again in one week. I also did some blood work, to make sure that I wasn't becoming diabetic, since this cellulitis has been a problem. The frustrating part of all this is that I still can not exercise (by walking). I have found it hard to raise my heart level through other types of movement that doesn't involve the use of my legs, but I am still trying.
I thought that it would be all right to walk my son to the bus the other day because my leg was feeling pretty good. The walk really isn't that far, just right up the street no more than a three minute walk with a 6 year old who doesn't want to walk more than a snails pace in the morning. I have to tell you, it felt good to be out and walking again. When I got home, however, my entire foot and ankle that the cellulitis is on, had become swollen. So when the doctor tells you to stay off your leg, stay off your leg.
Tomorrow is therapy, looking forward to it. Hope it's not my last session. I really don't want to leave this base yet. Love it here.
What we don't know is to where or when yet. Every day we're given just a little bit more information. At this point, all I know is that by Friday we should have complete details. I am surprised that I haven't cleared out my fridge of all the food and put it into my stomach. This says something about how far I've come!
Some things I've noticed myself doing in place of eating is cleaning, focusing on spending time with my son and husband, working on my computer and talking to my mother and my friends. These are all positive things and they all came to me without thinking about them or thinking about turning to food first before doing them. I hope that I continue with these habits.
I saw my physician yesterday about my leg. I was given a 7 day extension on Septra, a strong antibiotic and will be following up again in one week. I also did some blood work, to make sure that I wasn't becoming diabetic, since this cellulitis has been a problem. The frustrating part of all this is that I still can not exercise (by walking). I have found it hard to raise my heart level through other types of movement that doesn't involve the use of my legs, but I am still trying.
I thought that it would be all right to walk my son to the bus the other day because my leg was feeling pretty good. The walk really isn't that far, just right up the street no more than a three minute walk with a 6 year old who doesn't want to walk more than a snails pace in the morning. I have to tell you, it felt good to be out and walking again. When I got home, however, my entire foot and ankle that the cellulitis is on, had become swollen. So when the doctor tells you to stay off your leg, stay off your leg.
Tomorrow is therapy, looking forward to it. Hope it's not my last session. I really don't want to leave this base yet. Love it here.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Start Spreading the News
I was thinking today about how different it is being overweight in New York, where I grew up and lived most of my life as opposed to being overweight in North Carolina, where I live now and have lived for the past four years.
If you haven't spent any time in NY, but have at least watched TV or have heard rumors about NYers being a$$holes, let me tell you it's completely true. I've been to many cities in various parts of the state, lived in both small and large communities where everyone knows who you are and no one knows who you are and it just doesn't matter, NYers are just generally bastards. There are individuals who can be nice, but for some reason the general attitude is rude, bitchy and downright nasty.
When you're constantly running into this kind of behavior on a day to day basis, it spreads fast and never goes away. If you're nice to someone, people are rude to you because they assume you want something from them immediately or that you're mocking them.
Anyway, facing those kind of people, it shouldn't be surprising to hear someone call you a fatass or a tub-o-lard if you're overweight and doing nothing more than just walking down the street, or eating at a restaurant. Yes, you get assaulted with insults for simply existing. I'm sure this happens everywhere, but I use to see it all the time in NY. Anyone who is different, not just overweight people, but anyone who might be different is likely to get an insult hurled at them. Those who weren't insulting you were sneering at you or rolling their eyes.
Coming to North Carolina, I honestly expected the same sort of behavior. I just assumed it was that way all over the U.S. However, as my husband and I started venturing off the base and checking out local establishments we found people were genuinely nicer down here. You could run into a perfect stranger in a grocery story and have a chat with them in an aisle for ten minutes and that is perfectly normal. Store clerks don't hide from customers around here and most fast food employees are polite. Hey, fast food service jobs suck, you have no idea how hard it is to smile in that kind of job so if they're polite and smiling, that's a big deal!
Sure I still ran into people who stare every now and then, but there was no eye rolling or sneering. In fact, people randomly greet you with hellos and smiles. Not just here in the town we live in either, but the bigger cities a few hours away as well. More often than not I find myself doing it back instead of keeping to myself and avoiding eye contact the way I use to as a NYer.
Now as far as what NCers are thinking? Maybe the same things are going through their heads as the NYers, I don't know. It doesn't matter, it's how they're treating people that I care about. I prefer being treated as a human being so I think I'll be sticking around here while I'm going through my weight loss. I feel comfortable in my own skin here.
If you haven't spent any time in NY, but have at least watched TV or have heard rumors about NYers being a$$holes, let me tell you it's completely true. I've been to many cities in various parts of the state, lived in both small and large communities where everyone knows who you are and no one knows who you are and it just doesn't matter, NYers are just generally bastards. There are individuals who can be nice, but for some reason the general attitude is rude, bitchy and downright nasty.
When you're constantly running into this kind of behavior on a day to day basis, it spreads fast and never goes away. If you're nice to someone, people are rude to you because they assume you want something from them immediately or that you're mocking them.
Anyway, facing those kind of people, it shouldn't be surprising to hear someone call you a fatass or a tub-o-lard if you're overweight and doing nothing more than just walking down the street, or eating at a restaurant. Yes, you get assaulted with insults for simply existing. I'm sure this happens everywhere, but I use to see it all the time in NY. Anyone who is different, not just overweight people, but anyone who might be different is likely to get an insult hurled at them. Those who weren't insulting you were sneering at you or rolling their eyes.
Coming to North Carolina, I honestly expected the same sort of behavior. I just assumed it was that way all over the U.S. However, as my husband and I started venturing off the base and checking out local establishments we found people were genuinely nicer down here. You could run into a perfect stranger in a grocery story and have a chat with them in an aisle for ten minutes and that is perfectly normal. Store clerks don't hide from customers around here and most fast food employees are polite. Hey, fast food service jobs suck, you have no idea how hard it is to smile in that kind of job so if they're polite and smiling, that's a big deal!
Sure I still ran into people who stare every now and then, but there was no eye rolling or sneering. In fact, people randomly greet you with hellos and smiles. Not just here in the town we live in either, but the bigger cities a few hours away as well. More often than not I find myself doing it back instead of keeping to myself and avoiding eye contact the way I use to as a NYer.
Now as far as what NCers are thinking? Maybe the same things are going through their heads as the NYers, I don't know. It doesn't matter, it's how they're treating people that I care about. I prefer being treated as a human being so I think I'll be sticking around here while I'm going through my weight loss. I feel comfortable in my own skin here.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Having Cake (And Eating It Too)
Something that comes up in therapy every now and then, even after all these months, is if I ever throw up what I eat. I do not purge. I have never purged. Not only can I not imagine myself doing anything to make myself purge, but I don't, in any way, enjoy the thought of making the contents of my stomach come back up.
Before being told about the binge eating disorder, I really just thought I loved eating, so to make anything I just ate come back up would be unthinkable. I just went through the effort to enjoy eating whatever it was I had. I want to digest that really delicious food and it seems like a huge waste of money and time to not allow that to happen.
Now that I'm dealing with the eating disorder and being more picky about what goes into my mouth and thinking about foods that I'm eating (including planning meals), I'm finding there are foods that I don't like. Not just that, but I don't love eating. I have a love affair with a few particular foods, but for the most part, I really don't love food like I thought I did.
This has only been a recent discovery, and one that I like. It makes dealing with food more pleasant of an experience though lately it hasn't been too bad of one. The longer I stick with this eating healthy plan, the easier it becomes.
Just as an example, I use to love fried food. It's rare that I even touch it now. The thought of it kind of actually turns my stomach and if it doesn't, the taste of it does. Can't do french fries, chicken fingers, fried fish or most take out, really. This is good, since not only is it full of calories, it's loaded with sodium and other bad things like saturated fat and cholesterol.
I'm also learning that I enjoy foods like green and red peppers, tomatoes and carrots. Though I don't enjoy dark green vegetables very much, I do get in quite a bit of them because I know it's healthy for me. I've cut out the white processed breads and switched to whole grain and wheat breads and they're not bad at all. My favorite fruits are oranges and kiwis but I also love gala or fuji apples if I can't have one of the first two choices.
So, it's not second nature yet, but I'm looking forward to when I don't have to think about it anymore and I'm just reaching for this stuff naturally. I'm not sure how long it will take. I've spent years eating poorly. I wouldn't say my whole life, because my mom didn't raise me to make poor food choices, but at least since I've lived on my own. But, I have a good support system in place and I'm sticking with it and that's what matters.
P.S. No post yesterday, I slept through most of the day. Hopefully due to healing and not just random laziness.
Before being told about the binge eating disorder, I really just thought I loved eating, so to make anything I just ate come back up would be unthinkable. I just went through the effort to enjoy eating whatever it was I had. I want to digest that really delicious food and it seems like a huge waste of money and time to not allow that to happen.
Now that I'm dealing with the eating disorder and being more picky about what goes into my mouth and thinking about foods that I'm eating (including planning meals), I'm finding there are foods that I don't like. Not just that, but I don't love eating. I have a love affair with a few particular foods, but for the most part, I really don't love food like I thought I did.
This has only been a recent discovery, and one that I like. It makes dealing with food more pleasant of an experience though lately it hasn't been too bad of one. The longer I stick with this eating healthy plan, the easier it becomes.
Just as an example, I use to love fried food. It's rare that I even touch it now. The thought of it kind of actually turns my stomach and if it doesn't, the taste of it does. Can't do french fries, chicken fingers, fried fish or most take out, really. This is good, since not only is it full of calories, it's loaded with sodium and other bad things like saturated fat and cholesterol.
I'm also learning that I enjoy foods like green and red peppers, tomatoes and carrots. Though I don't enjoy dark green vegetables very much, I do get in quite a bit of them because I know it's healthy for me. I've cut out the white processed breads and switched to whole grain and wheat breads and they're not bad at all. My favorite fruits are oranges and kiwis but I also love gala or fuji apples if I can't have one of the first two choices.
So, it's not second nature yet, but I'm looking forward to when I don't have to think about it anymore and I'm just reaching for this stuff naturally. I'm not sure how long it will take. I've spent years eating poorly. I wouldn't say my whole life, because my mom didn't raise me to make poor food choices, but at least since I've lived on my own. But, I have a good support system in place and I'm sticking with it and that's what matters.
P.S. No post yesterday, I slept through most of the day. Hopefully due to healing and not just random laziness.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
At A Snail's Pace
Recently I have been trying to figure out what my emotional triggers for binge eating are and I can say with some certainty that I still have little idea. Admittedly, I've been thinking about it less frequently than I had been when I first started my blog and I should get back to working on that.
However, I have identified some physical triggers and one of them had been eating too quickly. I use to scarf my food down like it was some sort of race as to how quickly I could eat everything on my plate. When it was gone, I would go back for more, because in the five minutes it took me to eat my brain would still think it was hungry because it still hadn't registered that the stomach was full. So I could get seconds and eat a whole additional second plateful of food and by the time it starts registering that I've had enough, my stomach actually hurts because I've eaten far more than I need to.
This is the cycle that always happening, but I never caught on to what was occurring. It was only after starting my therapy and my visits to the dietitian that I started hearing about the importance of eating slowly and chewing thoroughly. I felt embarrassed, and I told my dietitian this, because it sounded like something that I probably should have known but she said that it's something that people don't automatically realize when they're relearning how to eat properly.
I did feel a bit better hearing that it was more common than I thought and started putting it into practice immediately. It actually was harder than it sounds when you've spent your entire life eating really fast, but it's been about a month now that I've been doing it successfully. Now I don't even have to think about it. It takes me about a half an hour to eat dinner, I'm full before I finish eating, I eat less and I never go back for seconds. All of these things I'm happy about.
Some practices that helped me during that month were setting my fork down between bites, and I still do that actually because it's become a habit. I chew much more slowly and thoroughly. I did use to have to think about it before, because it had always been food was swallowed barely after being chewed as if I were some sort of wild animal. One more thing I found helpful was to stop trying to put as much food on the fork as possible. For some reason I would always try to stuff as much into my mouth as it could hold. I am not a chipmunk.
Now, I don't even think about it when it comes to meals and today I realized that I don't even stress out anymore when I'm eating. That made me really happy and I hope that it continues to stay that way.
However, I have identified some physical triggers and one of them had been eating too quickly. I use to scarf my food down like it was some sort of race as to how quickly I could eat everything on my plate. When it was gone, I would go back for more, because in the five minutes it took me to eat my brain would still think it was hungry because it still hadn't registered that the stomach was full. So I could get seconds and eat a whole additional second plateful of food and by the time it starts registering that I've had enough, my stomach actually hurts because I've eaten far more than I need to.
This is the cycle that always happening, but I never caught on to what was occurring. It was only after starting my therapy and my visits to the dietitian that I started hearing about the importance of eating slowly and chewing thoroughly. I felt embarrassed, and I told my dietitian this, because it sounded like something that I probably should have known but she said that it's something that people don't automatically realize when they're relearning how to eat properly.
I did feel a bit better hearing that it was more common than I thought and started putting it into practice immediately. It actually was harder than it sounds when you've spent your entire life eating really fast, but it's been about a month now that I've been doing it successfully. Now I don't even have to think about it. It takes me about a half an hour to eat dinner, I'm full before I finish eating, I eat less and I never go back for seconds. All of these things I'm happy about.
Some practices that helped me during that month were setting my fork down between bites, and I still do that actually because it's become a habit. I chew much more slowly and thoroughly. I did use to have to think about it before, because it had always been food was swallowed barely after being chewed as if I were some sort of wild animal. One more thing I found helpful was to stop trying to put as much food on the fork as possible. For some reason I would always try to stuff as much into my mouth as it could hold. I am not a chipmunk.
Now, I don't even think about it when it comes to meals and today I realized that I don't even stress out anymore when I'm eating. That made me really happy and I hope that it continues to stay that way.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Viva La Revolución!
My body has decided to rebel against me for some reason. I went to the walk-in base clinic today for another flare up of the cellulitis in my leg, same place as before. While I had taken all my antibiotic last month, it hadn't cleared up fully but when I saw my RN and asked her for another round of antibiotics, she said she felt it wasn't necessary. That didn't sit well with me, but I'm suppose to be able to trust my health care provider so I believed her when she said that the rest should clear up on its own since I had already finished a 10 day prescription.
So anyway, I have another prescription here for the second flare up and once again, I am to remain off of my leg and not aggravate it while it heals. Now aside from this adding to my already immense dislike for doctors in general, it adds to my frustration for my weight loss.
Last month when I couldn't do anything during the cellulitis problem, I gained four pounds even though I was eating less and was upset about it because I couldn't be active even though I wanted to be. Now I have to go through all that again. I don't want to be laying down and elevating my leg. I want to be out walking my son to the bus stop, taking him to the park, cleaning my house, moving around. I do not want to be laying down, sitting on my arse with my leg up and I do not want to be resting.
In a week I go to see my dietitian for a follow up appointment and I'll have no weight loss to show for it because I'll be too busy laying on the couch and not losing weight because I have to rest. Being sick/injured makes me angry almost to an unreasonable level. I think the only positive thing I can say about it right now is at least I don't want to shove food in my mouth over it. Although I do need to get off the computer and go elevate my leg now that I'm home from the hospital.
So anyway, I have another prescription here for the second flare up and once again, I am to remain off of my leg and not aggravate it while it heals. Now aside from this adding to my already immense dislike for doctors in general, it adds to my frustration for my weight loss.
Last month when I couldn't do anything during the cellulitis problem, I gained four pounds even though I was eating less and was upset about it because I couldn't be active even though I wanted to be. Now I have to go through all that again. I don't want to be laying down and elevating my leg. I want to be out walking my son to the bus stop, taking him to the park, cleaning my house, moving around. I do not want to be laying down, sitting on my arse with my leg up and I do not want to be resting.
In a week I go to see my dietitian for a follow up appointment and I'll have no weight loss to show for it because I'll be too busy laying on the couch and not losing weight because I have to rest. Being sick/injured makes me angry almost to an unreasonable level. I think the only positive thing I can say about it right now is at least I don't want to shove food in my mouth over it. Although I do need to get off the computer and go elevate my leg now that I'm home from the hospital.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Two Days A Week
Normally, I do my daily posts the night before, which is why it always looks like I'm posting at three in the morning. Rather sneaky of me, isn't it? I completely forgot last night. But I did not forget my homework assignment this weekend, which was to add something to my daily routine this week to boost my daily activity.
I am by no means lounging around like I once did, I've noticed. My house is gorgeous, I'm mostly caught up on laundry and this Friday my brand new book shelf arrived. This weekend my husband and I put it together and even unpacked our closet that had things inside it for so many years that I had moments that I went, "Wow, I haven't seen that since I was XX years old!" Embarrassing for me, let me tell you, though not quite as embarrassing as finding pay stubs from my very first job when I was 15. I believe that minimum wage then was $4.35 an hour. We promptly went out, bought a paper shredder and I spent five hours shredding paper.
Ok, trip down memory lane aside, I decided that I would start taking my son to the park on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Now my husband usually does bonding time with our son after dinner on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays after dinner when the temperature drops so no one is dying of the heat. I figured that I could do the other two days of the week and the weekends could continue to be the family days. That will give dad some much needed time to himself at night, too.
I'm not sure I'll be starting this tomorrow, however, as my son is going to get some dental work done and I'm not sure how he'll be feeling. Since he has to be put under for it, he might not be feeling his best. I'll go if he indicates he wants to, though.
I think this will be good for me, since I have such an issue with going out in public and dealing with people staring at me because of my weight. It's going to take a long time for me to get the weight off, and I'm getting really sick and tired of being indoors. I can't put off going outside until I lose another 200+ pounds. The thin people on this base will just have to just get use to seeing a fat person outside and for me, I'll have to get use to people looking at me while losing weight. I am losing the weight, and I just need to keep reminding myself that.
I am by no means lounging around like I once did, I've noticed. My house is gorgeous, I'm mostly caught up on laundry and this Friday my brand new book shelf arrived. This weekend my husband and I put it together and even unpacked our closet that had things inside it for so many years that I had moments that I went, "Wow, I haven't seen that since I was XX years old!" Embarrassing for me, let me tell you, though not quite as embarrassing as finding pay stubs from my very first job when I was 15. I believe that minimum wage then was $4.35 an hour. We promptly went out, bought a paper shredder and I spent five hours shredding paper.
Ok, trip down memory lane aside, I decided that I would start taking my son to the park on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Now my husband usually does bonding time with our son after dinner on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays after dinner when the temperature drops so no one is dying of the heat. I figured that I could do the other two days of the week and the weekends could continue to be the family days. That will give dad some much needed time to himself at night, too.
I'm not sure I'll be starting this tomorrow, however, as my son is going to get some dental work done and I'm not sure how he'll be feeling. Since he has to be put under for it, he might not be feeling his best. I'll go if he indicates he wants to, though.
I think this will be good for me, since I have such an issue with going out in public and dealing with people staring at me because of my weight. It's going to take a long time for me to get the weight off, and I'm getting really sick and tired of being indoors. I can't put off going outside until I lose another 200+ pounds. The thin people on this base will just have to just get use to seeing a fat person outside and for me, I'll have to get use to people looking at me while losing weight. I am losing the weight, and I just need to keep reminding myself that.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Staying On Track
Thursday was great. I did what I said I would do and walked Bradley to the bus stop and back home again. Felt a little easier and I will continue to do this daily as long as it doesn't rain. Unfortunately the bus stop doesn't have any kind of protective cover, so I wouldn't want him standing out in the rain, even with an umbrella. Though I don't think there is any chance of rain any time soon, so no worries there.
I came home and cleaned up, keeping on top of my chores. It's nice to be able to have the energy to do these kinds of things now which I can attribute to both a combination of new medication, strength from moving around more, an easier time moving around from weight loss and increased energy.
Now I need to start focusing on things I want to work on next. I need some new goals. It's great that I've started walking Bradley down to the bus stop and have been able to start keeping up on my house and getting things in order, but now I need to start adding more things to the list of responsibilities that I'd like to be able to do again. I'm not sure what those are. I think my task for this weekend for myself will be to think about it. I don't want to overwhelm myself, so maybe for now it will just be one or two small things.
Whatever it is, I just want to make sure that I don't allow myself to get comfortable and become stagnant water. I must continue to improve by pushing my limits and I am ready to do that now. We'll see what I come up with over the weekend. Enjoy yours and see you next week!
I came home and cleaned up, keeping on top of my chores. It's nice to be able to have the energy to do these kinds of things now which I can attribute to both a combination of new medication, strength from moving around more, an easier time moving around from weight loss and increased energy.
Now I need to start focusing on things I want to work on next. I need some new goals. It's great that I've started walking Bradley down to the bus stop and have been able to start keeping up on my house and getting things in order, but now I need to start adding more things to the list of responsibilities that I'd like to be able to do again. I'm not sure what those are. I think my task for this weekend for myself will be to think about it. I don't want to overwhelm myself, so maybe for now it will just be one or two small things.
Whatever it is, I just want to make sure that I don't allow myself to get comfortable and become stagnant water. I must continue to improve by pushing my limits and I am ready to do that now. We'll see what I come up with over the weekend. Enjoy yours and see you next week!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Things Didn't Go Quite As Planned
Tuesday night I got a little excited and tried to do too many things. Now, I have been sleeping on my couch for about two years or possibly longer. The bed causes me severe pain in my knees, hips, along my spine, shoulders and neck. This only became a problem as I started reaching around 400lbs or so. I found relief with the couch, which is how I ended up there.
Since I'm nearly down to 400lbs again, I thought I would give the bed a try. I miss my husband at night! I brought everything upstairs and went to sleep. Every two hours I was waking up, trying to find a new position that would allow me to be in less pain and fall asleep again. I popped some ibuprofen to get some relief from the constant pain that I was experiencing by 2 a.m. By 4 a.m. I am awake once again and I sat up, the pain was unbearable. That was it, I was near tears and I just couldn't sleep anymore.
My husband helped me get back downstairs which was a real challenge, my hip felt like it kept locking and my knees did not want to bend right. Back on the couch offered little relief and I was not able to fall back to sleep until around 7 a.m. Needless to say, I did not get to walk Bradley down to the bus stop Wednesday morning.
I was a little mad about that whole thing, because I was actually looking forward to making that part of my morning routine. The good news is, that by the early afternoon and another dose of ibuprofen, I was finally rid of the pain and back to moving around normally. I feel good again! Thursday morning I will be getting my child to the bus stop by walking him down there. While I'm excited about it, I'm sure my little one will be pointing to the garage, reminding me about the car and whining about it being hot.
It's just one a day, Little Man, if I can do it, you can do it!
Since I'm nearly down to 400lbs again, I thought I would give the bed a try. I miss my husband at night! I brought everything upstairs and went to sleep. Every two hours I was waking up, trying to find a new position that would allow me to be in less pain and fall asleep again. I popped some ibuprofen to get some relief from the constant pain that I was experiencing by 2 a.m. By 4 a.m. I am awake once again and I sat up, the pain was unbearable. That was it, I was near tears and I just couldn't sleep anymore.
My husband helped me get back downstairs which was a real challenge, my hip felt like it kept locking and my knees did not want to bend right. Back on the couch offered little relief and I was not able to fall back to sleep until around 7 a.m. Needless to say, I did not get to walk Bradley down to the bus stop Wednesday morning.
I was a little mad about that whole thing, because I was actually looking forward to making that part of my morning routine. The good news is, that by the early afternoon and another dose of ibuprofen, I was finally rid of the pain and back to moving around normally. I feel good again! Thursday morning I will be getting my child to the bus stop by walking him down there. While I'm excited about it, I'm sure my little one will be pointing to the garage, reminding me about the car and whining about it being hot.
It's just one a day, Little Man, if I can do it, you can do it!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
You Want Me To Do What With My Feet?
So Tuesday morning my husband had to leave at 5 a.m. for P.T. He usually goes, does his morning workout then comes home in time to get my son to the bus stop which is down the street from the house. It's within walking distance but North Carolina heat is unforgiving, even at 6:30 a.m. So, he drives the kiddo down there and they wait in the air conditioned car until the bus arrives anywhere between 6:38 - 7:00. Thanks for keeping a reliable schedule city school district!
Well, as usual, I had gotten my little monster up and dressed and we were waiting for my husband to get home and I casually looked at the clock only to notice it was 6:29. Panic mode! I had to now walk my child down to the bus stop which I had never done and did not know if I was physically capable of doing.
After convincing my child that dad was not there nor was the car, we started walking down the street to the bus stop. I honestly can't tell you how far it is. I pass four housing units at least, which tells you absolutely nothing. I was fine until about the last 50 feet or so from the bus stop, then my lower back and back of my legs were on fire. Thankfully, I made it and sat my butt on the curb and read Bradley a book until the bus arrived.
When it left, I walked home and was doing great until right about when I reached my driveway and experienced that same pain as before. Not a big deal since I was right there and could go inside and rest before starting my house cleaning. I spent most of the day contemplating doing it again tomorrow.
Now, it wasn't pleasant discovering that I could walk that far at the last moment so I could get the kiddo on the bus, but it was exciting to be able to do it. I am going to go ahead and make it a daily routine now. Every morning I will walk my child down to the bus stop. The only thing stopping me from picking him up is the temperature in the afternoon. During the summer months we frequently have daily heat warnings to stay indoors which is just crazy so I'll wait until the weather cools to add afternoon walks.
Hopefully, after a couple weeks of doing this, it will build up the muscles in my legs and lower back so that short distance wont hurt as much and it'll help burn some more calories than just house cleaning alone will do. Then maybe a walk around the block will be in my future? I'm feeling optimistic about that!
Well, as usual, I had gotten my little monster up and dressed and we were waiting for my husband to get home and I casually looked at the clock only to notice it was 6:29. Panic mode! I had to now walk my child down to the bus stop which I had never done and did not know if I was physically capable of doing.
After convincing my child that dad was not there nor was the car, we started walking down the street to the bus stop. I honestly can't tell you how far it is. I pass four housing units at least, which tells you absolutely nothing. I was fine until about the last 50 feet or so from the bus stop, then my lower back and back of my legs were on fire. Thankfully, I made it and sat my butt on the curb and read Bradley a book until the bus arrived.
When it left, I walked home and was doing great until right about when I reached my driveway and experienced that same pain as before. Not a big deal since I was right there and could go inside and rest before starting my house cleaning. I spent most of the day contemplating doing it again tomorrow.
Now, it wasn't pleasant discovering that I could walk that far at the last moment so I could get the kiddo on the bus, but it was exciting to be able to do it. I am going to go ahead and make it a daily routine now. Every morning I will walk my child down to the bus stop. The only thing stopping me from picking him up is the temperature in the afternoon. During the summer months we frequently have daily heat warnings to stay indoors which is just crazy so I'll wait until the weather cools to add afternoon walks.
Hopefully, after a couple weeks of doing this, it will build up the muscles in my legs and lower back so that short distance wont hurt as much and it'll help burn some more calories than just house cleaning alone will do. Then maybe a walk around the block will be in my future? I'm feeling optimistic about that!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Let's Share!
Recently, I've wanted to get together and talk to other people about weight loss and the struggles that come with it because I just need to talk about it with someone other than my therapist. After doing a search online, I found that there was a local chapter for Overeaters Anonymous in my town and I was pretty excited about it at first.
I checked out the location on Google maps and tried to psych myself up into going. They meet once a week on Tuesdays at 6pm and I figured that I could handle this. Not only would this be great for support, but it might help me meet new people since I really struggle with creating and maintaining new friendships.
The only problem is, I really hate people. That makes no sense, right? I know, it's confusing to me, too. Try being in a position where you can't stand to be around people 95% of your waking day (not including husband and child) and then actually crave to be around others. How do you get around that? I have no idea.
I think I might just be having a little anxiety about being out in public while being obese, though. I've talked about it in the past, not wanting people to stare at me because of my size. I can't just assume because I'm going to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting that everyone there is going to be obese, too. Some people can overeat and not gain weight, but still need help. Not all binge eaters are obese. This is the dilemma for me, having to worry about being around skinny people who overeat. It makes me even more embarrassed about my size.
Anyway, what I think I need to do here is just force myself to go to one of these meetings eventually. It's going to take a bit more psyching up, however. Another week or two, perhaps? I wish I had someone to go with. Also, I wish I wasn't so big that I was worried about breaking a chair if I showed up or worried that I might not fit in the chair. It's times like this that I tend to fall back on the excuse, "Well, I'll just wait until I lose a few more pounds then do it." I need to break that habit.
I checked out the location on Google maps and tried to psych myself up into going. They meet once a week on Tuesdays at 6pm and I figured that I could handle this. Not only would this be great for support, but it might help me meet new people since I really struggle with creating and maintaining new friendships.
The only problem is, I really hate people. That makes no sense, right? I know, it's confusing to me, too. Try being in a position where you can't stand to be around people 95% of your waking day (not including husband and child) and then actually crave to be around others. How do you get around that? I have no idea.
I think I might just be having a little anxiety about being out in public while being obese, though. I've talked about it in the past, not wanting people to stare at me because of my size. I can't just assume because I'm going to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting that everyone there is going to be obese, too. Some people can overeat and not gain weight, but still need help. Not all binge eaters are obese. This is the dilemma for me, having to worry about being around skinny people who overeat. It makes me even more embarrassed about my size.
Anyway, what I think I need to do here is just force myself to go to one of these meetings eventually. It's going to take a bit more psyching up, however. Another week or two, perhaps? I wish I had someone to go with. Also, I wish I wasn't so big that I was worried about breaking a chair if I showed up or worried that I might not fit in the chair. It's times like this that I tend to fall back on the excuse, "Well, I'll just wait until I lose a few more pounds then do it." I need to break that habit.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Putting Myself First
I wanted to take a moment to talk about something that I actually told myself I wouldn't talk about on this blog; my mood disorder. I had been avoiding it, because I wanted this journal to be about my binge eating disorder, my weight loss and how I was dealing with all of it.
I have, in past posts, briefly mentioned my mood disorder without going into any detail, but as time went on it's been increasingly more difficult not to mention it when talking about my binging episodes and how my mood disorder might be affected by it. What I didn't really consider is that my mood disorder really does play a big part in all of this.
Having spent some time thinking about it over the weekend, I decided it probably wasn't a rare thing that people with eating disorders have some other underlying emotional issues to deal with. It could be just something from the past that they might have to work out or, in my case, an actual chemical imbalance. Whatever the case might be for them, or myself, it's there and it needs to be dealt with and addressed as part of the process to fix the overall problem.
So, while I'm maintaining my journal for my binge eating, I might occasionally mention something about my mood disorder. I'm not going to go on and on about it, or make a big deal out of it because that's still not the point me maintaining this site, but it is a part of who I am so I'm not going to ignore it and pretend like it's not there and it's not a part of the problem. Plus, I sometimes forget that I'm suppose to be doing this for myself above anyone else and I shouldn't leave anything out.
What I do want to say is that I don't whine about having a chemical imbalance any more than I do about having a binging problem or being obese. I actively do something about my issues and take care of myself, even if sometimes it takes me a while to get my act together to do it. I save all my whining for my therapist, because sometimes I need her to help me figure out which direction I'm suppose to be going in. Though, damnit, she still makes me figure it out on my own most of the time.
Anyway, my point is, I'm not going to neglect that part of me anymore, so feel free to skip those parts of my posts or just stop reading. I'm not going to forget that this is for me and my benefit most of all. I honestly don't even know what possessed me to exclude it in the beginning anyway or why I thought that it might be unrelated to what I was going through.
I have, in past posts, briefly mentioned my mood disorder without going into any detail, but as time went on it's been increasingly more difficult not to mention it when talking about my binging episodes and how my mood disorder might be affected by it. What I didn't really consider is that my mood disorder really does play a big part in all of this.
Having spent some time thinking about it over the weekend, I decided it probably wasn't a rare thing that people with eating disorders have some other underlying emotional issues to deal with. It could be just something from the past that they might have to work out or, in my case, an actual chemical imbalance. Whatever the case might be for them, or myself, it's there and it needs to be dealt with and addressed as part of the process to fix the overall problem.
So, while I'm maintaining my journal for my binge eating, I might occasionally mention something about my mood disorder. I'm not going to go on and on about it, or make a big deal out of it because that's still not the point me maintaining this site, but it is a part of who I am so I'm not going to ignore it and pretend like it's not there and it's not a part of the problem. Plus, I sometimes forget that I'm suppose to be doing this for myself above anyone else and I shouldn't leave anything out.
What I do want to say is that I don't whine about having a chemical imbalance any more than I do about having a binging problem or being obese. I actively do something about my issues and take care of myself, even if sometimes it takes me a while to get my act together to do it. I save all my whining for my therapist, because sometimes I need her to help me figure out which direction I'm suppose to be going in. Though, damnit, she still makes me figure it out on my own most of the time.
Anyway, my point is, I'm not going to neglect that part of me anymore, so feel free to skip those parts of my posts or just stop reading. I'm not going to forget that this is for me and my benefit most of all. I honestly don't even know what possessed me to exclude it in the beginning anyway or why I thought that it might be unrelated to what I was going through.
Friday, August 6, 2010
But Do You Loooooove Yourself?
Not long ago, a friend of mine started her process for the gastric bypass surgery and created a journal to document her progress. During her various appointments, she also encountered the dreaded "love yourself" talk which left her about as frustrated with people as it left me. However, something she was required to attend was a meeting for those who have had the surgery. While there, she spoke with someone who happened to share something extremely insightful.
You do love yourself, because here you are at this meeting and going through the process for the surgery so you can become healthy and improve the quality of your life. You might not like your body, but you love yourself.
I have to admit, when I read this in her journal I felt several things at once. First, I felt cheated. There should have been a spoiler warning so I could have chosen not to read that part. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with spoiler alerts so that just wasn't an option and really if this is accurate, it's just something I would have liked to figure out on my own.
Second, I was angry, because why couldn't my therapist just come out an tell me if that was really the case? This completely contradicts what I just said in my first reason, doesn't matter, thought processes are not always entirely rational! Sometimes I feel like she gets some sick joy out of watching me struggle in my therapy sessions (even though I know this isn't true).
Third, I became more than a little bit excited, hopeful and optimistic. Could it really be that simple? Because if it is, there are many things about me that I love. I absolutely do not like my body and some of the behaviors that got me this way, but I don't hate the parts of me that make up who I am. All those things I don't like? I'm working hard on changing those!
So, is it possible that I really do love myself? I feel both skeptical and positive that I do. I need to consider this more, which I will while I'm being motivated and cleaning the bathrooms today.
You do love yourself, because here you are at this meeting and going through the process for the surgery so you can become healthy and improve the quality of your life. You might not like your body, but you love yourself.
I have to admit, when I read this in her journal I felt several things at once. First, I felt cheated. There should have been a spoiler warning so I could have chosen not to read that part. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with spoiler alerts so that just wasn't an option and really if this is accurate, it's just something I would have liked to figure out on my own.
Second, I was angry, because why couldn't my therapist just come out an tell me if that was really the case? This completely contradicts what I just said in my first reason, doesn't matter, thought processes are not always entirely rational! Sometimes I feel like she gets some sick joy out of watching me struggle in my therapy sessions (even though I know this isn't true).
Third, I became more than a little bit excited, hopeful and optimistic. Could it really be that simple? Because if it is, there are many things about me that I love. I absolutely do not like my body and some of the behaviors that got me this way, but I don't hate the parts of me that make up who I am. All those things I don't like? I'm working hard on changing those!
So, is it possible that I really do love myself? I feel both skeptical and positive that I do. I need to consider this more, which I will while I'm being motivated and cleaning the bathrooms today.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
"Clean ALL the things!"
First, I have to point out that my title is blatantly stolen from a blogger that I enjoy reading, Hyperbole and a Half. The particular strip I borrowed it from makes me laugh and I use it as a pick-me-up when I'm feeling overwhelmed from the stuff. You know what the stuff is.
Life is the stuff. Recently though, the stuff hasn't been getting me down quiet as badly as it has been. Maybe it's because I'm almost at the 50lbs mark for weight loss and it's easier to move around. It could be that I feel good about myself for sticking to this or for learning about what triggers things like binge eating and for getting off my butt and doing something about my issues that led to being this big. Maybe it's a combination of all of the above.
The motivation doesn't just end at working on myself though. You should see my house! Every day since Sunday I have been working on a small area of the house, completely cleaning it from top to bottom. It's like I just moved in. It's been neglected for so long because I just 1) couldn't get motivated to move and 2) even if I had any energy to move, my weight was stopping me.
In the beginning, I would constantly question myself, when would I noticed a change in how I feel? It wasn't until I started exercising that I noticed any real change. Exercising improved my mood, gave me more energy, made my legs stronger and in return I was able to do more, such as stand for longer periods of time and walk further. Those things made me feel good, especially the standing and the walking, since I couldn't do those for more than a few steps or a few moments in the beginning.
Ok, now I'm not suddenly some fitness buff. I'm not working out for hours a day. Right now I'm replacing my exercising with some severe house cleaning and my dietitian said when I saw her on Wednesday, that was good because I was still moving around and I'm actually cleaning house a lot longer than I would be just exercising. Don't think house cleaning doesn't raise my heart rate or break a sweat. I am scrubbing floors and walls and running the vacuum and breaking a sweat. Ew.
Anyway, I feel like I might have gotten a bit off track here. I'm losing weight, I'm more motivated because I've lost weight, losing weight and weigh less. Speaking of being motivated, I'm getting antsy here and I really need to go get some vacuuming done. The house doesn't clean itself and the dog hair on the stairs is waiting. In fact, I'm pretty sure those clumps of hair have been there long enough that they may have formed into sentient life forms. I believe they're voting on a President this week. Better go nip that in the bud.
Life is the stuff. Recently though, the stuff hasn't been getting me down quiet as badly as it has been. Maybe it's because I'm almost at the 50lbs mark for weight loss and it's easier to move around. It could be that I feel good about myself for sticking to this or for learning about what triggers things like binge eating and for getting off my butt and doing something about my issues that led to being this big. Maybe it's a combination of all of the above.
The motivation doesn't just end at working on myself though. You should see my house! Every day since Sunday I have been working on a small area of the house, completely cleaning it from top to bottom. It's like I just moved in. It's been neglected for so long because I just 1) couldn't get motivated to move and 2) even if I had any energy to move, my weight was stopping me.
In the beginning, I would constantly question myself, when would I noticed a change in how I feel? It wasn't until I started exercising that I noticed any real change. Exercising improved my mood, gave me more energy, made my legs stronger and in return I was able to do more, such as stand for longer periods of time and walk further. Those things made me feel good, especially the standing and the walking, since I couldn't do those for more than a few steps or a few moments in the beginning.
Ok, now I'm not suddenly some fitness buff. I'm not working out for hours a day. Right now I'm replacing my exercising with some severe house cleaning and my dietitian said when I saw her on Wednesday, that was good because I was still moving around and I'm actually cleaning house a lot longer than I would be just exercising. Don't think house cleaning doesn't raise my heart rate or break a sweat. I am scrubbing floors and walls and running the vacuum and breaking a sweat. Ew.
Anyway, I feel like I might have gotten a bit off track here. I'm losing weight, I'm more motivated because I've lost weight, losing weight and weigh less. Speaking of being motivated, I'm getting antsy here and I really need to go get some vacuuming done. The house doesn't clean itself and the dog hair on the stairs is waiting. In fact, I'm pretty sure those clumps of hair have been there long enough that they may have formed into sentient life forms. I believe they're voting on a President this week. Better go nip that in the bud.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The Stakes are High
I don't usually gamble, because I know that I tend to have an addictive personality and get hooked on things easily. Even something as simple as Farmville. It was hard to give that game up. I needed a 12-step program for both it and for deleting my Facebook account.
All kidding aside, the one thing I wont risk taking chances on now, is my life. I mean, I've done that already with allowing myself to get the size that I currently am by having unresolved psych issues with the eating disorder that I didn't know existed. But I'm not going to continue to gamble with my life by jumping into something as risky as surgery.
Now, I'm actually not anti-surgery or anti-gastric bypass. I think that this is a remarkable way for someone to get healthy if they've been struggling with weight issues their whole life - if it is right for them. However, I just want to say do the research to make sure you know what you're getting into, which I've done for over two years.
As I've mentioned in the past, I've been looking into gastric bypass surgery for a long time and this is actually my second time going through the process to have the surgery done. The first time I passed the psych evaluation to have the procedure done but the second time I did not. This was a blessing in disguise, truly. I can't even imagine what would have happened to me if I had gone through with the surgery the first time after being approved and then had a binging episode. I likely could or would have died.
Not even considering that I may struggle with binging my whole life for a moment, let me just got over some of the other aspects of post-surgery that I have to worry about. There was the constant vitamin and mineral deficiency because of the amount of food I'd be restricted to which could possibly also lead to hair loss, anemia and bone loss. Other long term side effects could include ulcers, gallstones and bowel obstructions.
The short term side effects from the surgery are even more terrifying and include hernia, leaking, bleeding, abdominal pain, respiratory failure and my favorite: DEATH. Ok, to be fair, the death rate these days is down to %.01 or something very low and to continue to stay at my weight probably means I have a greater chance of dying from being obese by a certain age.
However, I have a child to think of and a husband I love, and this is why I am choosing the weight loss route and the therapy for my binge eating disorder to take care of my problem. Also, for those considering surgery if you happen to read this, don't let my decision not to have the surgery change your mind to not have it. These are my reasons and they're good for me. There are so many positive benefits from the surgery, too, and it gets you healthy and that's what's important. Remember, it's about making sure you're in a good place before you take that step.
So, with that said, I guess I have to say that I am choosing to bet on myself this time. Not the doctors. I've got everything riding on myself and the work I've done so far and the progress I've made. I don't think it's too early to be excited because I'm making good progress compared to attempts to lose weight in the past and recently I've been feeling proud of myself. I've never really felt proud of myself for this, but I'm giving it my all. I deserve to.
Hot damn, I'm on a roll here!
P.S. - It's good to see you again, Motivation. Perhaps a post about you tomorrow? I'm thinking maybe it's time.
All kidding aside, the one thing I wont risk taking chances on now, is my life. I mean, I've done that already with allowing myself to get the size that I currently am by having unresolved psych issues with the eating disorder that I didn't know existed. But I'm not going to continue to gamble with my life by jumping into something as risky as surgery.
Now, I'm actually not anti-surgery or anti-gastric bypass. I think that this is a remarkable way for someone to get healthy if they've been struggling with weight issues their whole life - if it is right for them. However, I just want to say do the research to make sure you know what you're getting into, which I've done for over two years.
As I've mentioned in the past, I've been looking into gastric bypass surgery for a long time and this is actually my second time going through the process to have the surgery done. The first time I passed the psych evaluation to have the procedure done but the second time I did not. This was a blessing in disguise, truly. I can't even imagine what would have happened to me if I had gone through with the surgery the first time after being approved and then had a binging episode. I likely could or would have died.
Not even considering that I may struggle with binging my whole life for a moment, let me just got over some of the other aspects of post-surgery that I have to worry about. There was the constant vitamin and mineral deficiency because of the amount of food I'd be restricted to which could possibly also lead to hair loss, anemia and bone loss. Other long term side effects could include ulcers, gallstones and bowel obstructions.
The short term side effects from the surgery are even more terrifying and include hernia, leaking, bleeding, abdominal pain, respiratory failure and my favorite: DEATH. Ok, to be fair, the death rate these days is down to %.01 or something very low and to continue to stay at my weight probably means I have a greater chance of dying from being obese by a certain age.
However, I have a child to think of and a husband I love, and this is why I am choosing the weight loss route and the therapy for my binge eating disorder to take care of my problem. Also, for those considering surgery if you happen to read this, don't let my decision not to have the surgery change your mind to not have it. These are my reasons and they're good for me. There are so many positive benefits from the surgery, too, and it gets you healthy and that's what's important. Remember, it's about making sure you're in a good place before you take that step.
So, with that said, I guess I have to say that I am choosing to bet on myself this time. Not the doctors. I've got everything riding on myself and the work I've done so far and the progress I've made. I don't think it's too early to be excited because I'm making good progress compared to attempts to lose weight in the past and recently I've been feeling proud of myself. I've never really felt proud of myself for this, but I'm giving it my all. I deserve to.
Hot damn, I'm on a roll here!
P.S. - It's good to see you again, Motivation. Perhaps a post about you tomorrow? I'm thinking maybe it's time.
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