I haven't updated in ages. First off, my computer died. Thankfully, I've been able to use my husband's computer. So I hop on every now and then to do the basic computer-type things.
Second, I have been stuck at about 405-409lbs forever. I really dislike hitting plateaus!!! They are so frustrating, I have to tell you. So this morning I decided to add some more exercise to my routine. I went to bed at 10:30 and got out of bed at 5:30. I came downstairs and I did some stretching then got on the treadmill and did some running. Now running, I only did 1.5 minutes of and stopped. That's ok with me, because when I use to not be able to walk, I only started out at about a minute and now I can walk everywhere! So, babysteps. This is my first day and I am not dissapointed.
So good things have happened since my last post. In November, I went to Georgia to visit my friend Jamie who I haven't seen since 2008. While I was there, we went to the grocery store so I could pick up some food to eat. That was my first walk around a store since I had lost all that weight and it was, for me, exciting. I hadn't walked around a grocery store, or any kind of store, in a long time. Well over a year, maybe even two years. Very thrilling. I loved it. My legs held up great! My back hurt when we left, but that's to be expected.
Back here at home, we have a screen enclosed porch attached to the back of the unit we live in on base housing. We haven't used it since moving in years ago so it was dirty and had spiders and webs. Well, since becoming friends with my neighbors, who used theirs, I really wanted to clean mine out and buy some chairs and a table for it to hang out in. My neighbor, Courtney, lent me her hose and I washed it out by myself. It took about 40 minutes or so and I got it all cleaned out. It looked great and I felt really proud of myself for doing it. My husband helped me clean the mold off the paneling and wood, mostly because I'm short and couldn't reach it all by myself, haha!
After that, we went to Walmart together and we picked out a nice metal and glass table and two canvas chairs for the enclosed space. I love it. It looks fantastic and I completed that project and did shopping for it. I really feel good about doing these things.
Thanksgiving went well! My husband, son and I spent our Thanksgiving with our friends. Everyone brought a dish and we all ate together. I had never done anything like that and it was so wonderful. I had a great time and I didn't feel weird about eating around people. I didn't feel like people were staring at me either. Also, I didn't over eat at all and I didn't feel the need to stack up my plate with food.
Therapy is going well. I've been working on the issues I need to, to have the surgery. But recently I found out that my Nana (my mother's mother) had thyroid problems, and my mother just had her thyroid removed and this issue has come up with my doctor as well. Due due my hair loss, my facial hair growth, my polycystic overies and some bloodwork issues I'll have to see an endocrynologyst before considering surgery. This is ok though, because if there are issues with my body, I want them taken care of so I can be healthy, especially if this means that I don't need to have surgery. In the meantime, I am not giving up on my healthy eating and exercise.
Another exciting event for me was moving from sleeping on the couch to sleeping in my bed again with my husband. For a long time, because of my weight, I wasn't able to sleep in my bed. It was too painful on my knees, neck, back and stomach. Now I can sleep in the bed once more. It's great. I get a much better night sleep than I ever did on the couch. The couch was actually starting to cause me severe discomfort. It's also good to be back in the bed with my husband. I hadn't slept with him for years.
My husband and I also went out on a date recently! I haven't been out on a date with him in ages. Mostly because I have issues about eating in public. We decided to go to a buffet for lunch which I was concerned about, not because of eating in front of people, but because it was a buffet that does Chinese, Japanese, American, Hibachi and Sushi. I haven't binged in well over 8 months but I do still over eat sometimes.
I feel I did great though. The only fied food I had was pork fried rice and because I always measure my food at home, I'm pretty good at eyeballing my servings and I gave myself about 1/4 cup of that. I didn't even fill my plate and I only made one trip. I did lots of vegetables and their vegetables were great there! They weren't soggy at all, lots of crisp veggies. Though I stayed away from most of the stuff that was in sauces due to high sodium. The best part of the meal for me though was the sushi, which is my favorite. I had four pieces (they were smaller than the sizes of a American quarters). To drink I had water, which is what I always drink at home.
When I left the resteraunt, I felt full and not like I was going to die from having stuffed myself which was a good feeling so I was proud of how well I did at the buffet. So that was the first time I had eaten out since 2008, which was also the last time I was with Jamie. She and I had gone out to Applebees when she came to visit.
So that's what's happened since my last update. I'm sure there has been more I've left out, but I'll try to update again before Christmas. There is a lot going on, both my mother and my husband's are coming to visit so we have to get the house ready. Looking forward to that. Also have a Christmas party on the 17th! I can't believe I'm going to a Christmas party! This is a big deal for me, because I never use to socialize and now I have friends. I'm sure I'll write about it.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Making New Goals
I don't even know where to start, other than to say, "Man, I have really neglected my writing here." It's true, I wish I could say, "I've been so busy!" or "Life sure has been hectic lately!" It hasn't been. At all. Life has been normal and fine. I've just been incredibly lazy about writing on this thing.
What I have been doing, however, is a lot of thinking after going to several doctor appointments and going through a three hour glucose test. Turns out that despite dropping 60 points and my 3 month sugars actually going from 6.2 down to 5.0, my fasting glucose has gotten worse. I asked my doctor how this is possible since March since I've gone down in weight, added exercise to my daily routine and improved my diet drastically and she says she doesn't know.
My therapist hinted it was something I was doing. I think she might have insinuated that I've been cheating with my foods. How is that possible? I have been losing weight! That kind of made me angry, but whatever. I'm over it, because I know I haven't been. Hell, since the 3 hour glucose test, and being put on another medication, I have swapped out foods to reduce my carb intake further so I can make sure I am eating my healthiest.
Some of these things were instead of honey ham I've switched to baked ham, instead of honey wheat bread I've switched to whole wheat bread. I don't use sugar anymore, but I wasn't using sugar anyway. I switched to sugar substitute a while back. I haven't drank sodas in who knows how long. Not even diet sodas. It's either water or crystal light.
But with these recent health issues, including the fact that I had that cellulitis problem for over a month requiring 2 antibiotics to combat (one cycle over three weeks long), I've come to a decision to go ahead with the gastric bypass surgery. Though this decision was not made lightly and it was made with the help of my husband's input, I felt that in the end it was far better for my heath that I do this.
Today I had therapy with my cognitive behavioral therapist and we discussed this. While she felt that my reasons for the decision were good, I wasn't where I needed to be to have the surgery. I didn't agree with her and when she asked what time frame I was looking at for the surgery and I said the next three months, she definitely felt that I was pushing myself despite the fact that I haven't binged in so long I can't even remember and that I no longer over eat.
Honestly, I cried. I was angry to hear this. But I don't want to trip up after the surgery if I'm really not ready and hurt myself by binging. So we're going to go ahead and continue to work on what we need to in therapy so I can get where I need to be so I can have a successful surgery and be healthy afterward. That's what I want.
In the meantime, I'm going to go ahead and continue with my exercise, weight loss and eating healthy like nothing has changed. There is no reason to give any of that up because that is a lifestyle change that I intend to keep forever. Those all feel good anyway, and I like the way I feel with those changes.
What I have been doing, however, is a lot of thinking after going to several doctor appointments and going through a three hour glucose test. Turns out that despite dropping 60 points and my 3 month sugars actually going from 6.2 down to 5.0, my fasting glucose has gotten worse. I asked my doctor how this is possible since March since I've gone down in weight, added exercise to my daily routine and improved my diet drastically and she says she doesn't know.
My therapist hinted it was something I was doing. I think she might have insinuated that I've been cheating with my foods. How is that possible? I have been losing weight! That kind of made me angry, but whatever. I'm over it, because I know I haven't been. Hell, since the 3 hour glucose test, and being put on another medication, I have swapped out foods to reduce my carb intake further so I can make sure I am eating my healthiest.
Some of these things were instead of honey ham I've switched to baked ham, instead of honey wheat bread I've switched to whole wheat bread. I don't use sugar anymore, but I wasn't using sugar anyway. I switched to sugar substitute a while back. I haven't drank sodas in who knows how long. Not even diet sodas. It's either water or crystal light.
But with these recent health issues, including the fact that I had that cellulitis problem for over a month requiring 2 antibiotics to combat (one cycle over three weeks long), I've come to a decision to go ahead with the gastric bypass surgery. Though this decision was not made lightly and it was made with the help of my husband's input, I felt that in the end it was far better for my heath that I do this.
Today I had therapy with my cognitive behavioral therapist and we discussed this. While she felt that my reasons for the decision were good, I wasn't where I needed to be to have the surgery. I didn't agree with her and when she asked what time frame I was looking at for the surgery and I said the next three months, she definitely felt that I was pushing myself despite the fact that I haven't binged in so long I can't even remember and that I no longer over eat.
Honestly, I cried. I was angry to hear this. But I don't want to trip up after the surgery if I'm really not ready and hurt myself by binging. So we're going to go ahead and continue to work on what we need to in therapy so I can get where I need to be so I can have a successful surgery and be healthy afterward. That's what I want.
In the meantime, I'm going to go ahead and continue with my exercise, weight loss and eating healthy like nothing has changed. There is no reason to give any of that up because that is a lifestyle change that I intend to keep forever. Those all feel good anyway, and I like the way I feel with those changes.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Out and About
When we moved to this base in 2006, I was about the weight I am now which is around 400lbs. I could get around a bit, though not as well as I'm getting around now since I'm really putting some serious effort into losing weight, but I could walk and such. So I spent some time outside and socializing with the neighbors, but not much.
Once we moved onto the base a few months after getting here, I pretty much became a shut in and didn't leave my house after. So for the next 4 years or so, while gaining all that extra weight that prevented me from doing things as simple as being able to walk, I didn't want to go out and socialize and meet my neighbors or make friends. Now as I'm losing the weight I am so over that.
The weight is coming off and yeah, it might only be 60 pounds or so but I feel good, I don't want to be sitting in my damn house, I want to be outside and I want to know people and I want to be social. Hello, world, I want to know you! It helps that I have some damn good medications for the first time in my life for my mood disorder, too, but being in a good place with my weight loss and knowing what's coming for my future and where I'm going with my body plays a huge part in this as well.
So last night, I let my dog out in the backyard and my neighbor was outside with some of her friends having a get together and she invited me over. I did try to refuse at first, but she got me over. It was around 10:30 and so I went over and people came and went and I socialized and didn't feel like people were judging me or staring at me. In fact, people were friendly, talked to me, remembered my name and had conversations with me. I had such a great time!
You can't imagine my shock when I got back inside and it was 5:30 in the morning. Yeah, it was a little surprising. But it was so much fun. There was a nice fire pit, some (controlled) drinking, some (low) music and some sitting around and great conversation. Didn't matter that these people knew each other and shared stories that I didn't know because they took the time to say things like, "Wait, Rachael doesn't know the back story! You have to tell her so she knows what's going on." I felt included and it was great.
When it was just some of us girls for part of the night, we actually talked about weight issues, because some of the girls, and my neighbor particularly, are a bit heavy. None like myself, but that was ok I didn't feel uncomfortable because I'm proud of what I've done for myself and I had really great reception of what I had done on my own. My neighbor said that as soon as her husband got back from Afghanistan she'd start walking with me, too! I'm excited about that. The only reason why she can't now is because she has three children (and could you imagine trying to bring along three small kids with you on a walk)?
In addition to this, I've decided that on payday I'm going to go to Curves and get myself a membership. Yeah, I could just go to the base gym for free, but right now I would fee more comfortable being around just woman. Also, I was thinking I could meet some more non-military woman that I could be friends with. I hope so, anyway. The prospect of getting out of the house more often really seems so nice. I just really want to be more social.
I found out last night that there is a karaoke bar out in town. I haven't done karaoke since I lived in NY. I might ask the woman next door and some of the others I met to come out with me some night. I'd like to sing again. That would be a lot of fun.
Once we moved onto the base a few months after getting here, I pretty much became a shut in and didn't leave my house after. So for the next 4 years or so, while gaining all that extra weight that prevented me from doing things as simple as being able to walk, I didn't want to go out and socialize and meet my neighbors or make friends. Now as I'm losing the weight I am so over that.
The weight is coming off and yeah, it might only be 60 pounds or so but I feel good, I don't want to be sitting in my damn house, I want to be outside and I want to know people and I want to be social. Hello, world, I want to know you! It helps that I have some damn good medications for the first time in my life for my mood disorder, too, but being in a good place with my weight loss and knowing what's coming for my future and where I'm going with my body plays a huge part in this as well.
So last night, I let my dog out in the backyard and my neighbor was outside with some of her friends having a get together and she invited me over. I did try to refuse at first, but she got me over. It was around 10:30 and so I went over and people came and went and I socialized and didn't feel like people were judging me or staring at me. In fact, people were friendly, talked to me, remembered my name and had conversations with me. I had such a great time!
You can't imagine my shock when I got back inside and it was 5:30 in the morning. Yeah, it was a little surprising. But it was so much fun. There was a nice fire pit, some (controlled) drinking, some (low) music and some sitting around and great conversation. Didn't matter that these people knew each other and shared stories that I didn't know because they took the time to say things like, "Wait, Rachael doesn't know the back story! You have to tell her so she knows what's going on." I felt included and it was great.
When it was just some of us girls for part of the night, we actually talked about weight issues, because some of the girls, and my neighbor particularly, are a bit heavy. None like myself, but that was ok I didn't feel uncomfortable because I'm proud of what I've done for myself and I had really great reception of what I had done on my own. My neighbor said that as soon as her husband got back from Afghanistan she'd start walking with me, too! I'm excited about that. The only reason why she can't now is because she has three children (and could you imagine trying to bring along three small kids with you on a walk)?
In addition to this, I've decided that on payday I'm going to go to Curves and get myself a membership. Yeah, I could just go to the base gym for free, but right now I would fee more comfortable being around just woman. Also, I was thinking I could meet some more non-military woman that I could be friends with. I hope so, anyway. The prospect of getting out of the house more often really seems so nice. I just really want to be more social.
I found out last night that there is a karaoke bar out in town. I haven't done karaoke since I lived in NY. I might ask the woman next door and some of the others I met to come out with me some night. I'd like to sing again. That would be a lot of fun.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Progress & Change
Ok, my expectations were far too high and I did not meet my goal. But that's ok, because I'm not unhappy! I'm still down a significant amount of weight and I'm super thrilled. I'm in high spirits and feeling fantastic.
I've noticed a change in the muscles in my legs this week from all the walking I've been doing. Not only can I walk faster, but I can go a bit further without needing to rest. This is really exciting, because I feel that it wont be much longer that I can go around the block without too much trouble. I never would have though years ago that there would be a time in my life that walking around the block would be a challenge, but here I am.
I've had no food issues in a long time. I can't even recall without looking back on old entries (and I don't want to) when I last had trouble with binging. I think that says something about both proper medication and self control. I'm proud of how far I've come since starting my cognitive behavioral therapy in March.
My next therapy session is on Thursday and I am really looking forward to seeing my therapist. My last appointment with her was last month because of that crazy time in the beginning of this month with the military. Had to hold off on seeing her until we got things settled. I really can't wait to tell her about everything going on.
I bought my guitar this week. It will arrive sometime within the next two weeks. I special ordered it from The Musician's Friend. It was more exciting and scary than it was purchasing my first car as a teenager. To have music in my life again is going to be amazing. It hasn't been since I was a teenager that I've really played an instrument. I look forward to this. Once I have the instrument, I'm going to find myself an instructor and get lessons. I wont be doing this halfheartedly. I really want to learn.
I don't foresee any major events in the future that could create any real major anxiety or binge eating situations. I know I will eventually have to move to the new base and I've got that pretty much under control. This house is clean and I'm staying on top of it, ready for the move when it comes so short of something completely out of left field at this point I'm just about ready for anything.
I say, bring it on!
I've noticed a change in the muscles in my legs this week from all the walking I've been doing. Not only can I walk faster, but I can go a bit further without needing to rest. This is really exciting, because I feel that it wont be much longer that I can go around the block without too much trouble. I never would have though years ago that there would be a time in my life that walking around the block would be a challenge, but here I am.
I've had no food issues in a long time. I can't even recall without looking back on old entries (and I don't want to) when I last had trouble with binging. I think that says something about both proper medication and self control. I'm proud of how far I've come since starting my cognitive behavioral therapy in March.
My next therapy session is on Thursday and I am really looking forward to seeing my therapist. My last appointment with her was last month because of that crazy time in the beginning of this month with the military. Had to hold off on seeing her until we got things settled. I really can't wait to tell her about everything going on.
I bought my guitar this week. It will arrive sometime within the next two weeks. I special ordered it from The Musician's Friend. It was more exciting and scary than it was purchasing my first car as a teenager. To have music in my life again is going to be amazing. It hasn't been since I was a teenager that I've really played an instrument. I look forward to this. Once I have the instrument, I'm going to find myself an instructor and get lessons. I wont be doing this halfheartedly. I really want to learn.
I don't foresee any major events in the future that could create any real major anxiety or binge eating situations. I know I will eventually have to move to the new base and I've got that pretty much under control. This house is clean and I'm staying on top of it, ready for the move when it comes so short of something completely out of left field at this point I'm just about ready for anything.
I say, bring it on!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Smelling the Roses
I've been extraordinarily good to myself since my last post a few days ago. As promised, I stuck to my plan to eat right and I'm losing weight again and hope to see myself under 400 pounds by the end of next week. This isn't an unreasonable goal.
Today my husband and I were going to take the little one to the beach, but because it ended up being overcast and only about 72F outside, we decided on a trip to the park instead. I posted a picture on my twitter account, if you want to check it out over here. The base recently built it and not only is it beautiful, but the ground is made out of this strange cork looking material and when you walk on it, it is spongy and bounces. I love it!
We were there for an hour, I couldn't believe it when we got in the car. Not only that, but I stood almost the entire time we were there. Not something I could have done months ago. I wanted to stay longer, but my son came over when I was on the phone with my mother for a moment and had heavy eyelids so I knew it was time to go home. Brought my camera with me, too, but sadly I hadn't charged my battery in a while so after four pictures and a minute and a half of video it died. I wont let that happen again.
My doctor appointment on Friday bothered me. Turns out my cholesterol level jumped 30 points since my last blood work in April. I asked her how this was possible, since my diet has vastly improved since February and she said it could be hereditary. Concerned, I asked if it could be because of one of my new medications that I take for my mood disorder, but she said no. I was not convinced, however.
When I returned home, I looked up the side effects. Sure enough, two of the side effects are elevated sugar levels and elevated cholesterol! Disturbing, to say the least, but now I have a prescription for the cholesterol problem. However, I have to go for another test for my blood sugar though I can't recall the name of it. It's the one where you have to drink the orange soda-like liquid and they take your blood three times over three hours. I'll be doing that sometime over the next two weeks once I work out the car arrangement with my husband.
In the meantime, I have left messages with both the physician that prescribed the medication with the side effects to ask if it's possible that this medication caused the jump since I started it in June considering my diet change and left a message with my primary doctor indicating that this was indeed a side effect. This is two times now that my primary care attending RN has let me down when it has come to my health and I think that it is time to write a letter of concern to my health insurance company and request a change in physicians.
Once I get this other test done, the results of all my blood work will be forwarded along with my request to see an Endocrinologist to make sure there aren't any additional issues with my thyroid, since I have issues with thinning hair and no family history of this problem. I'll also take care of the possible onset of Type II Diabetes and my polycystic ovary syndrome which I was diagnosed with in NY before moving here to NC.
To be honest, I'm not stressing out about all of this, which I would have months ago and which probably would have led to me binge eating. I have to thank my one doctor for the best combination of mood disorder medication I have ever had in my life. I've spent more than 15 years trying to find a combination that not only keeps me from feeling depressed, but allows me to function and think clearly. I can do that now and this is the first time in my life that I feel really normal. What an amazing feeling.
In addition to being able to take care of myself, I can take care of my house and my family! So this is what it feels like to be able to get things done? I never understood how people accomplished so much in one day and still managed to have a life at the same time. Incredible!
So in addition to getting my life in order, I plan on doing many things I have thought about wanting to do for many years. Throughout middle and high school, I played the drums. I had always wished I continued on with it and gone into music in some way. Sadly, I did not. One of the big reasons I did not was because of my mood disorder and my lack of being on a medication that allowed me to be stable. Now that I am doing so well, I am going to really get back into music, just for me.
I don't plan to run out and join a band or anything, that would be a little silly I think. However, I would like to buy a guitar and get some lessons just to enjoy playing. A friend of mine plays a little bass and I think it would be fun to hang out with her and play if I could learn a bit. Having already discussed this with my husband, the purchase has been approved and I am looking to do this within the next month or two. I am very excited.
That's about it for now. This post was less about weight loss today and more about being good to myself and taking care of myself. All of that though contributes to me not binging or overeating. I feel great and I'm looking forward to continuing to feel this way.
Today my husband and I were going to take the little one to the beach, but because it ended up being overcast and only about 72F outside, we decided on a trip to the park instead. I posted a picture on my twitter account, if you want to check it out over here. The base recently built it and not only is it beautiful, but the ground is made out of this strange cork looking material and when you walk on it, it is spongy and bounces. I love it!
We were there for an hour, I couldn't believe it when we got in the car. Not only that, but I stood almost the entire time we were there. Not something I could have done months ago. I wanted to stay longer, but my son came over when I was on the phone with my mother for a moment and had heavy eyelids so I knew it was time to go home. Brought my camera with me, too, but sadly I hadn't charged my battery in a while so after four pictures and a minute and a half of video it died. I wont let that happen again.
My doctor appointment on Friday bothered me. Turns out my cholesterol level jumped 30 points since my last blood work in April. I asked her how this was possible, since my diet has vastly improved since February and she said it could be hereditary. Concerned, I asked if it could be because of one of my new medications that I take for my mood disorder, but she said no. I was not convinced, however.
When I returned home, I looked up the side effects. Sure enough, two of the side effects are elevated sugar levels and elevated cholesterol! Disturbing, to say the least, but now I have a prescription for the cholesterol problem. However, I have to go for another test for my blood sugar though I can't recall the name of it. It's the one where you have to drink the orange soda-like liquid and they take your blood three times over three hours. I'll be doing that sometime over the next two weeks once I work out the car arrangement with my husband.
In the meantime, I have left messages with both the physician that prescribed the medication with the side effects to ask if it's possible that this medication caused the jump since I started it in June considering my diet change and left a message with my primary doctor indicating that this was indeed a side effect. This is two times now that my primary care attending RN has let me down when it has come to my health and I think that it is time to write a letter of concern to my health insurance company and request a change in physicians.
Once I get this other test done, the results of all my blood work will be forwarded along with my request to see an Endocrinologist to make sure there aren't any additional issues with my thyroid, since I have issues with thinning hair and no family history of this problem. I'll also take care of the possible onset of Type II Diabetes and my polycystic ovary syndrome which I was diagnosed with in NY before moving here to NC.
To be honest, I'm not stressing out about all of this, which I would have months ago and which probably would have led to me binge eating. I have to thank my one doctor for the best combination of mood disorder medication I have ever had in my life. I've spent more than 15 years trying to find a combination that not only keeps me from feeling depressed, but allows me to function and think clearly. I can do that now and this is the first time in my life that I feel really normal. What an amazing feeling.
In addition to being able to take care of myself, I can take care of my house and my family! So this is what it feels like to be able to get things done? I never understood how people accomplished so much in one day and still managed to have a life at the same time. Incredible!
So in addition to getting my life in order, I plan on doing many things I have thought about wanting to do for many years. Throughout middle and high school, I played the drums. I had always wished I continued on with it and gone into music in some way. Sadly, I did not. One of the big reasons I did not was because of my mood disorder and my lack of being on a medication that allowed me to be stable. Now that I am doing so well, I am going to really get back into music, just for me.
I don't plan to run out and join a band or anything, that would be a little silly I think. However, I would like to buy a guitar and get some lessons just to enjoy playing. A friend of mine plays a little bass and I think it would be fun to hang out with her and play if I could learn a bit. Having already discussed this with my husband, the purchase has been approved and I am looking to do this within the next month or two. I am very excited.
That's about it for now. This post was less about weight loss today and more about being good to myself and taking care of myself. All of that though contributes to me not binging or overeating. I feel great and I'm looking forward to continuing to feel this way.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Feeling Good
Stress free! Surprising, right? Well, the military has moved my husband's job to a base about an hour away and until we get housing there we can stay in housing where we are until then and that means that my son can continue at the school he is in until we move which take a huge load off my mind. This also means no stress about moving!
We had our carpets cleaned anyway and I've been keeping up on the house so it still looks gorgeous. I've been feeling good about the way things are going here and I haven't binged at all this entire time and I'm really proud of myself for that.
Sadly I have not ate healthy this entire time, haven't written a thing in my food diary and have lost no weight. I haven't gained, either, but it's time to get my rear end back on track with health eating and I am going to start that today as I have made a promise to myself to do that.
My doctor has put me on some really great medications for my mood disorder and I am finally feeling the full affects of them after about two months. It's wonderful. Life is different when you don't have an underlying feeling of constant depression. I can think more clearly and I can understand what it means to love myself. With all honesty I can absolutely say that I do.
Last Friday I went out and had my hair done. I had it cut and put some blond highlights in. Afterward, I picked up a new pair of tweezers, some nail polish and some new shampoo then came home and took care of the caterpillars on my face that could only be described as my eyebrows. Following that, I polished my nails and it made me feel like a million dollars.
It as during a conversation I had with a friend that she said, "It's amazing how we feel when our medication works, isn't it?" Yes. Yes it is.
It's also let me decide on other things that I've always wanted to do that I just have either put off, or felt like I couldn't do because I felt like I was too fat or maybe because I was too depressed due to my mood disorder. The first being guitar lessons. I have always been interested in playing guitar, ever since I was a teenager. Growing up, I've taken music lessons for instruments of all kinds. I played percussion (drums) throughout middle school and high school along with violin, flute, trumpet and french horn (none which I can play any longer because I simply do not remember except for percussion since I played that the longest).
The second being I've always wanted to get my lip pierced. I'm going to do it, because I have wanted it done since I was about twenty or so and just haven't. That way more than ten years and I figure if I've wanted something for that long, than it's isn't some passing fancy. Plus, it's something I can remove later in life if I do outgrow it. I was considering a microdermal implant, but considering how permanent it is, that I might not go with.
The last will be a tattoo, but that will wait until I get the weight off which wont be for many more years. Well, perhaps one to two years? I hope it wont be more than that. I do have a long way to go, this is true, but I am going down, not up and I am determined to stick with this. I have wanted a tattoo since I was a teenager. Another body modification that has not gone away. I actually want two. One of a dragon, as I was born year of the dragon and another of a goat for my son, as he was born year of the goat. I know, a goat, right? That one, I will reconsider to something more tasteful to represent him. I have time, like I said, the weight needs to come off, first.
I will admit that recently I have been reconsidering the gastric bypass surgery, especially with the recent health issues I've had with the cellulitis. I have an appointment with my primary physician on Friday to get my blood work results to see what my status is for the potential for Type II Diabetes. Obviously with my weight I am high risk, but at least it is something that will be controlled with medication and once the weight goes down, be corrected again.
I know I let myself be crippled by food for a long time in my life, but I am just not going to allow that to continue to happen. Whatever I need to do to get everything taken care of, I will. So, the surgery is just a thought right now. I'm not jumping on that, I'm just thinking about it. I do have to see the surgery again soon anyway for a review of what I've been doing, since he was the one that put my surgery on hold in the first place so I would start seeing the therapist for the eating disorder and such. I still don't want to cut up my insides and I just might not have to.
I wont rush into any decisions right now.
We had our carpets cleaned anyway and I've been keeping up on the house so it still looks gorgeous. I've been feeling good about the way things are going here and I haven't binged at all this entire time and I'm really proud of myself for that.
Sadly I have not ate healthy this entire time, haven't written a thing in my food diary and have lost no weight. I haven't gained, either, but it's time to get my rear end back on track with health eating and I am going to start that today as I have made a promise to myself to do that.
My doctor has put me on some really great medications for my mood disorder and I am finally feeling the full affects of them after about two months. It's wonderful. Life is different when you don't have an underlying feeling of constant depression. I can think more clearly and I can understand what it means to love myself. With all honesty I can absolutely say that I do.
Last Friday I went out and had my hair done. I had it cut and put some blond highlights in. Afterward, I picked up a new pair of tweezers, some nail polish and some new shampoo then came home and took care of the caterpillars on my face that could only be described as my eyebrows. Following that, I polished my nails and it made me feel like a million dollars.
It as during a conversation I had with a friend that she said, "It's amazing how we feel when our medication works, isn't it?" Yes. Yes it is.
It's also let me decide on other things that I've always wanted to do that I just have either put off, or felt like I couldn't do because I felt like I was too fat or maybe because I was too depressed due to my mood disorder. The first being guitar lessons. I have always been interested in playing guitar, ever since I was a teenager. Growing up, I've taken music lessons for instruments of all kinds. I played percussion (drums) throughout middle school and high school along with violin, flute, trumpet and french horn (none which I can play any longer because I simply do not remember except for percussion since I played that the longest).
The second being I've always wanted to get my lip pierced. I'm going to do it, because I have wanted it done since I was about twenty or so and just haven't. That way more than ten years and I figure if I've wanted something for that long, than it's isn't some passing fancy. Plus, it's something I can remove later in life if I do outgrow it. I was considering a microdermal implant, but considering how permanent it is, that I might not go with.
The last will be a tattoo, but that will wait until I get the weight off which wont be for many more years. Well, perhaps one to two years? I hope it wont be more than that. I do have a long way to go, this is true, but I am going down, not up and I am determined to stick with this. I have wanted a tattoo since I was a teenager. Another body modification that has not gone away. I actually want two. One of a dragon, as I was born year of the dragon and another of a goat for my son, as he was born year of the goat. I know, a goat, right? That one, I will reconsider to something more tasteful to represent him. I have time, like I said, the weight needs to come off, first.
I will admit that recently I have been reconsidering the gastric bypass surgery, especially with the recent health issues I've had with the cellulitis. I have an appointment with my primary physician on Friday to get my blood work results to see what my status is for the potential for Type II Diabetes. Obviously with my weight I am high risk, but at least it is something that will be controlled with medication and once the weight goes down, be corrected again.
I know I let myself be crippled by food for a long time in my life, but I am just not going to allow that to continue to happen. Whatever I need to do to get everything taken care of, I will. So, the surgery is just a thought right now. I'm not jumping on that, I'm just thinking about it. I do have to see the surgery again soon anyway for a review of what I've been doing, since he was the one that put my surgery on hold in the first place so I would start seeing the therapist for the eating disorder and such. I still don't want to cut up my insides and I just might not have to.
I wont rush into any decisions right now.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Mindgames
The military likes to screw with you. Know this. So, this week has been more than slightly hectic and nothing but pure stress. Despite this, I've managed not to binge eat or even over eat and I am truly proud of myself. What is going on, however, is that on Tuesday night we received a phone call stating we will be getting orders to move.
What we don't know is to where or when yet. Every day we're given just a little bit more information. At this point, all I know is that by Friday we should have complete details. I am surprised that I haven't cleared out my fridge of all the food and put it into my stomach. This says something about how far I've come!
Some things I've noticed myself doing in place of eating is cleaning, focusing on spending time with my son and husband, working on my computer and talking to my mother and my friends. These are all positive things and they all came to me without thinking about them or thinking about turning to food first before doing them. I hope that I continue with these habits.
I saw my physician yesterday about my leg. I was given a 7 day extension on Septra, a strong antibiotic and will be following up again in one week. I also did some blood work, to make sure that I wasn't becoming diabetic, since this cellulitis has been a problem. The frustrating part of all this is that I still can not exercise (by walking). I have found it hard to raise my heart level through other types of movement that doesn't involve the use of my legs, but I am still trying.
I thought that it would be all right to walk my son to the bus the other day because my leg was feeling pretty good. The walk really isn't that far, just right up the street no more than a three minute walk with a 6 year old who doesn't want to walk more than a snails pace in the morning. I have to tell you, it felt good to be out and walking again. When I got home, however, my entire foot and ankle that the cellulitis is on, had become swollen. So when the doctor tells you to stay off your leg, stay off your leg.
Tomorrow is therapy, looking forward to it. Hope it's not my last session. I really don't want to leave this base yet. Love it here.
What we don't know is to where or when yet. Every day we're given just a little bit more information. At this point, all I know is that by Friday we should have complete details. I am surprised that I haven't cleared out my fridge of all the food and put it into my stomach. This says something about how far I've come!
Some things I've noticed myself doing in place of eating is cleaning, focusing on spending time with my son and husband, working on my computer and talking to my mother and my friends. These are all positive things and they all came to me without thinking about them or thinking about turning to food first before doing them. I hope that I continue with these habits.
I saw my physician yesterday about my leg. I was given a 7 day extension on Septra, a strong antibiotic and will be following up again in one week. I also did some blood work, to make sure that I wasn't becoming diabetic, since this cellulitis has been a problem. The frustrating part of all this is that I still can not exercise (by walking). I have found it hard to raise my heart level through other types of movement that doesn't involve the use of my legs, but I am still trying.
I thought that it would be all right to walk my son to the bus the other day because my leg was feeling pretty good. The walk really isn't that far, just right up the street no more than a three minute walk with a 6 year old who doesn't want to walk more than a snails pace in the morning. I have to tell you, it felt good to be out and walking again. When I got home, however, my entire foot and ankle that the cellulitis is on, had become swollen. So when the doctor tells you to stay off your leg, stay off your leg.
Tomorrow is therapy, looking forward to it. Hope it's not my last session. I really don't want to leave this base yet. Love it here.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Start Spreading the News
I was thinking today about how different it is being overweight in New York, where I grew up and lived most of my life as opposed to being overweight in North Carolina, where I live now and have lived for the past four years.
If you haven't spent any time in NY, but have at least watched TV or have heard rumors about NYers being a$$holes, let me tell you it's completely true. I've been to many cities in various parts of the state, lived in both small and large communities where everyone knows who you are and no one knows who you are and it just doesn't matter, NYers are just generally bastards. There are individuals who can be nice, but for some reason the general attitude is rude, bitchy and downright nasty.
When you're constantly running into this kind of behavior on a day to day basis, it spreads fast and never goes away. If you're nice to someone, people are rude to you because they assume you want something from them immediately or that you're mocking them.
Anyway, facing those kind of people, it shouldn't be surprising to hear someone call you a fatass or a tub-o-lard if you're overweight and doing nothing more than just walking down the street, or eating at a restaurant. Yes, you get assaulted with insults for simply existing. I'm sure this happens everywhere, but I use to see it all the time in NY. Anyone who is different, not just overweight people, but anyone who might be different is likely to get an insult hurled at them. Those who weren't insulting you were sneering at you or rolling their eyes.
Coming to North Carolina, I honestly expected the same sort of behavior. I just assumed it was that way all over the U.S. However, as my husband and I started venturing off the base and checking out local establishments we found people were genuinely nicer down here. You could run into a perfect stranger in a grocery story and have a chat with them in an aisle for ten minutes and that is perfectly normal. Store clerks don't hide from customers around here and most fast food employees are polite. Hey, fast food service jobs suck, you have no idea how hard it is to smile in that kind of job so if they're polite and smiling, that's a big deal!
Sure I still ran into people who stare every now and then, but there was no eye rolling or sneering. In fact, people randomly greet you with hellos and smiles. Not just here in the town we live in either, but the bigger cities a few hours away as well. More often than not I find myself doing it back instead of keeping to myself and avoiding eye contact the way I use to as a NYer.
Now as far as what NCers are thinking? Maybe the same things are going through their heads as the NYers, I don't know. It doesn't matter, it's how they're treating people that I care about. I prefer being treated as a human being so I think I'll be sticking around here while I'm going through my weight loss. I feel comfortable in my own skin here.
If you haven't spent any time in NY, but have at least watched TV or have heard rumors about NYers being a$$holes, let me tell you it's completely true. I've been to many cities in various parts of the state, lived in both small and large communities where everyone knows who you are and no one knows who you are and it just doesn't matter, NYers are just generally bastards. There are individuals who can be nice, but for some reason the general attitude is rude, bitchy and downright nasty.
When you're constantly running into this kind of behavior on a day to day basis, it spreads fast and never goes away. If you're nice to someone, people are rude to you because they assume you want something from them immediately or that you're mocking them.
Anyway, facing those kind of people, it shouldn't be surprising to hear someone call you a fatass or a tub-o-lard if you're overweight and doing nothing more than just walking down the street, or eating at a restaurant. Yes, you get assaulted with insults for simply existing. I'm sure this happens everywhere, but I use to see it all the time in NY. Anyone who is different, not just overweight people, but anyone who might be different is likely to get an insult hurled at them. Those who weren't insulting you were sneering at you or rolling their eyes.
Coming to North Carolina, I honestly expected the same sort of behavior. I just assumed it was that way all over the U.S. However, as my husband and I started venturing off the base and checking out local establishments we found people were genuinely nicer down here. You could run into a perfect stranger in a grocery story and have a chat with them in an aisle for ten minutes and that is perfectly normal. Store clerks don't hide from customers around here and most fast food employees are polite. Hey, fast food service jobs suck, you have no idea how hard it is to smile in that kind of job so if they're polite and smiling, that's a big deal!
Sure I still ran into people who stare every now and then, but there was no eye rolling or sneering. In fact, people randomly greet you with hellos and smiles. Not just here in the town we live in either, but the bigger cities a few hours away as well. More often than not I find myself doing it back instead of keeping to myself and avoiding eye contact the way I use to as a NYer.
Now as far as what NCers are thinking? Maybe the same things are going through their heads as the NYers, I don't know. It doesn't matter, it's how they're treating people that I care about. I prefer being treated as a human being so I think I'll be sticking around here while I'm going through my weight loss. I feel comfortable in my own skin here.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Having Cake (And Eating It Too)
Something that comes up in therapy every now and then, even after all these months, is if I ever throw up what I eat. I do not purge. I have never purged. Not only can I not imagine myself doing anything to make myself purge, but I don't, in any way, enjoy the thought of making the contents of my stomach come back up.
Before being told about the binge eating disorder, I really just thought I loved eating, so to make anything I just ate come back up would be unthinkable. I just went through the effort to enjoy eating whatever it was I had. I want to digest that really delicious food and it seems like a huge waste of money and time to not allow that to happen.
Now that I'm dealing with the eating disorder and being more picky about what goes into my mouth and thinking about foods that I'm eating (including planning meals), I'm finding there are foods that I don't like. Not just that, but I don't love eating. I have a love affair with a few particular foods, but for the most part, I really don't love food like I thought I did.
This has only been a recent discovery, and one that I like. It makes dealing with food more pleasant of an experience though lately it hasn't been too bad of one. The longer I stick with this eating healthy plan, the easier it becomes.
Just as an example, I use to love fried food. It's rare that I even touch it now. The thought of it kind of actually turns my stomach and if it doesn't, the taste of it does. Can't do french fries, chicken fingers, fried fish or most take out, really. This is good, since not only is it full of calories, it's loaded with sodium and other bad things like saturated fat and cholesterol.
I'm also learning that I enjoy foods like green and red peppers, tomatoes and carrots. Though I don't enjoy dark green vegetables very much, I do get in quite a bit of them because I know it's healthy for me. I've cut out the white processed breads and switched to whole grain and wheat breads and they're not bad at all. My favorite fruits are oranges and kiwis but I also love gala or fuji apples if I can't have one of the first two choices.
So, it's not second nature yet, but I'm looking forward to when I don't have to think about it anymore and I'm just reaching for this stuff naturally. I'm not sure how long it will take. I've spent years eating poorly. I wouldn't say my whole life, because my mom didn't raise me to make poor food choices, but at least since I've lived on my own. But, I have a good support system in place and I'm sticking with it and that's what matters.
P.S. No post yesterday, I slept through most of the day. Hopefully due to healing and not just random laziness.
Before being told about the binge eating disorder, I really just thought I loved eating, so to make anything I just ate come back up would be unthinkable. I just went through the effort to enjoy eating whatever it was I had. I want to digest that really delicious food and it seems like a huge waste of money and time to not allow that to happen.
Now that I'm dealing with the eating disorder and being more picky about what goes into my mouth and thinking about foods that I'm eating (including planning meals), I'm finding there are foods that I don't like. Not just that, but I don't love eating. I have a love affair with a few particular foods, but for the most part, I really don't love food like I thought I did.
This has only been a recent discovery, and one that I like. It makes dealing with food more pleasant of an experience though lately it hasn't been too bad of one. The longer I stick with this eating healthy plan, the easier it becomes.
Just as an example, I use to love fried food. It's rare that I even touch it now. The thought of it kind of actually turns my stomach and if it doesn't, the taste of it does. Can't do french fries, chicken fingers, fried fish or most take out, really. This is good, since not only is it full of calories, it's loaded with sodium and other bad things like saturated fat and cholesterol.
I'm also learning that I enjoy foods like green and red peppers, tomatoes and carrots. Though I don't enjoy dark green vegetables very much, I do get in quite a bit of them because I know it's healthy for me. I've cut out the white processed breads and switched to whole grain and wheat breads and they're not bad at all. My favorite fruits are oranges and kiwis but I also love gala or fuji apples if I can't have one of the first two choices.
So, it's not second nature yet, but I'm looking forward to when I don't have to think about it anymore and I'm just reaching for this stuff naturally. I'm not sure how long it will take. I've spent years eating poorly. I wouldn't say my whole life, because my mom didn't raise me to make poor food choices, but at least since I've lived on my own. But, I have a good support system in place and I'm sticking with it and that's what matters.
P.S. No post yesterday, I slept through most of the day. Hopefully due to healing and not just random laziness.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
At A Snail's Pace
Recently I have been trying to figure out what my emotional triggers for binge eating are and I can say with some certainty that I still have little idea. Admittedly, I've been thinking about it less frequently than I had been when I first started my blog and I should get back to working on that.
However, I have identified some physical triggers and one of them had been eating too quickly. I use to scarf my food down like it was some sort of race as to how quickly I could eat everything on my plate. When it was gone, I would go back for more, because in the five minutes it took me to eat my brain would still think it was hungry because it still hadn't registered that the stomach was full. So I could get seconds and eat a whole additional second plateful of food and by the time it starts registering that I've had enough, my stomach actually hurts because I've eaten far more than I need to.
This is the cycle that always happening, but I never caught on to what was occurring. It was only after starting my therapy and my visits to the dietitian that I started hearing about the importance of eating slowly and chewing thoroughly. I felt embarrassed, and I told my dietitian this, because it sounded like something that I probably should have known but she said that it's something that people don't automatically realize when they're relearning how to eat properly.
I did feel a bit better hearing that it was more common than I thought and started putting it into practice immediately. It actually was harder than it sounds when you've spent your entire life eating really fast, but it's been about a month now that I've been doing it successfully. Now I don't even have to think about it. It takes me about a half an hour to eat dinner, I'm full before I finish eating, I eat less and I never go back for seconds. All of these things I'm happy about.
Some practices that helped me during that month were setting my fork down between bites, and I still do that actually because it's become a habit. I chew much more slowly and thoroughly. I did use to have to think about it before, because it had always been food was swallowed barely after being chewed as if I were some sort of wild animal. One more thing I found helpful was to stop trying to put as much food on the fork as possible. For some reason I would always try to stuff as much into my mouth as it could hold. I am not a chipmunk.
Now, I don't even think about it when it comes to meals and today I realized that I don't even stress out anymore when I'm eating. That made me really happy and I hope that it continues to stay that way.
However, I have identified some physical triggers and one of them had been eating too quickly. I use to scarf my food down like it was some sort of race as to how quickly I could eat everything on my plate. When it was gone, I would go back for more, because in the five minutes it took me to eat my brain would still think it was hungry because it still hadn't registered that the stomach was full. So I could get seconds and eat a whole additional second plateful of food and by the time it starts registering that I've had enough, my stomach actually hurts because I've eaten far more than I need to.
This is the cycle that always happening, but I never caught on to what was occurring. It was only after starting my therapy and my visits to the dietitian that I started hearing about the importance of eating slowly and chewing thoroughly. I felt embarrassed, and I told my dietitian this, because it sounded like something that I probably should have known but she said that it's something that people don't automatically realize when they're relearning how to eat properly.
I did feel a bit better hearing that it was more common than I thought and started putting it into practice immediately. It actually was harder than it sounds when you've spent your entire life eating really fast, but it's been about a month now that I've been doing it successfully. Now I don't even have to think about it. It takes me about a half an hour to eat dinner, I'm full before I finish eating, I eat less and I never go back for seconds. All of these things I'm happy about.
Some practices that helped me during that month were setting my fork down between bites, and I still do that actually because it's become a habit. I chew much more slowly and thoroughly. I did use to have to think about it before, because it had always been food was swallowed barely after being chewed as if I were some sort of wild animal. One more thing I found helpful was to stop trying to put as much food on the fork as possible. For some reason I would always try to stuff as much into my mouth as it could hold. I am not a chipmunk.
Now, I don't even think about it when it comes to meals and today I realized that I don't even stress out anymore when I'm eating. That made me really happy and I hope that it continues to stay that way.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Viva La Revolución!
My body has decided to rebel against me for some reason. I went to the walk-in base clinic today for another flare up of the cellulitis in my leg, same place as before. While I had taken all my antibiotic last month, it hadn't cleared up fully but when I saw my RN and asked her for another round of antibiotics, she said she felt it wasn't necessary. That didn't sit well with me, but I'm suppose to be able to trust my health care provider so I believed her when she said that the rest should clear up on its own since I had already finished a 10 day prescription.
So anyway, I have another prescription here for the second flare up and once again, I am to remain off of my leg and not aggravate it while it heals. Now aside from this adding to my already immense dislike for doctors in general, it adds to my frustration for my weight loss.
Last month when I couldn't do anything during the cellulitis problem, I gained four pounds even though I was eating less and was upset about it because I couldn't be active even though I wanted to be. Now I have to go through all that again. I don't want to be laying down and elevating my leg. I want to be out walking my son to the bus stop, taking him to the park, cleaning my house, moving around. I do not want to be laying down, sitting on my arse with my leg up and I do not want to be resting.
In a week I go to see my dietitian for a follow up appointment and I'll have no weight loss to show for it because I'll be too busy laying on the couch and not losing weight because I have to rest. Being sick/injured makes me angry almost to an unreasonable level. I think the only positive thing I can say about it right now is at least I don't want to shove food in my mouth over it. Although I do need to get off the computer and go elevate my leg now that I'm home from the hospital.
So anyway, I have another prescription here for the second flare up and once again, I am to remain off of my leg and not aggravate it while it heals. Now aside from this adding to my already immense dislike for doctors in general, it adds to my frustration for my weight loss.
Last month when I couldn't do anything during the cellulitis problem, I gained four pounds even though I was eating less and was upset about it because I couldn't be active even though I wanted to be. Now I have to go through all that again. I don't want to be laying down and elevating my leg. I want to be out walking my son to the bus stop, taking him to the park, cleaning my house, moving around. I do not want to be laying down, sitting on my arse with my leg up and I do not want to be resting.
In a week I go to see my dietitian for a follow up appointment and I'll have no weight loss to show for it because I'll be too busy laying on the couch and not losing weight because I have to rest. Being sick/injured makes me angry almost to an unreasonable level. I think the only positive thing I can say about it right now is at least I don't want to shove food in my mouth over it. Although I do need to get off the computer and go elevate my leg now that I'm home from the hospital.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Two Days A Week
Normally, I do my daily posts the night before, which is why it always looks like I'm posting at three in the morning. Rather sneaky of me, isn't it? I completely forgot last night. But I did not forget my homework assignment this weekend, which was to add something to my daily routine this week to boost my daily activity.
I am by no means lounging around like I once did, I've noticed. My house is gorgeous, I'm mostly caught up on laundry and this Friday my brand new book shelf arrived. This weekend my husband and I put it together and even unpacked our closet that had things inside it for so many years that I had moments that I went, "Wow, I haven't seen that since I was XX years old!" Embarrassing for me, let me tell you, though not quite as embarrassing as finding pay stubs from my very first job when I was 15. I believe that minimum wage then was $4.35 an hour. We promptly went out, bought a paper shredder and I spent five hours shredding paper.
Ok, trip down memory lane aside, I decided that I would start taking my son to the park on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Now my husband usually does bonding time with our son after dinner on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays after dinner when the temperature drops so no one is dying of the heat. I figured that I could do the other two days of the week and the weekends could continue to be the family days. That will give dad some much needed time to himself at night, too.
I'm not sure I'll be starting this tomorrow, however, as my son is going to get some dental work done and I'm not sure how he'll be feeling. Since he has to be put under for it, he might not be feeling his best. I'll go if he indicates he wants to, though.
I think this will be good for me, since I have such an issue with going out in public and dealing with people staring at me because of my weight. It's going to take a long time for me to get the weight off, and I'm getting really sick and tired of being indoors. I can't put off going outside until I lose another 200+ pounds. The thin people on this base will just have to just get use to seeing a fat person outside and for me, I'll have to get use to people looking at me while losing weight. I am losing the weight, and I just need to keep reminding myself that.
I am by no means lounging around like I once did, I've noticed. My house is gorgeous, I'm mostly caught up on laundry and this Friday my brand new book shelf arrived. This weekend my husband and I put it together and even unpacked our closet that had things inside it for so many years that I had moments that I went, "Wow, I haven't seen that since I was XX years old!" Embarrassing for me, let me tell you, though not quite as embarrassing as finding pay stubs from my very first job when I was 15. I believe that minimum wage then was $4.35 an hour. We promptly went out, bought a paper shredder and I spent five hours shredding paper.
Ok, trip down memory lane aside, I decided that I would start taking my son to the park on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Now my husband usually does bonding time with our son after dinner on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays after dinner when the temperature drops so no one is dying of the heat. I figured that I could do the other two days of the week and the weekends could continue to be the family days. That will give dad some much needed time to himself at night, too.
I'm not sure I'll be starting this tomorrow, however, as my son is going to get some dental work done and I'm not sure how he'll be feeling. Since he has to be put under for it, he might not be feeling his best. I'll go if he indicates he wants to, though.
I think this will be good for me, since I have such an issue with going out in public and dealing with people staring at me because of my weight. It's going to take a long time for me to get the weight off, and I'm getting really sick and tired of being indoors. I can't put off going outside until I lose another 200+ pounds. The thin people on this base will just have to just get use to seeing a fat person outside and for me, I'll have to get use to people looking at me while losing weight. I am losing the weight, and I just need to keep reminding myself that.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Staying On Track
Thursday was great. I did what I said I would do and walked Bradley to the bus stop and back home again. Felt a little easier and I will continue to do this daily as long as it doesn't rain. Unfortunately the bus stop doesn't have any kind of protective cover, so I wouldn't want him standing out in the rain, even with an umbrella. Though I don't think there is any chance of rain any time soon, so no worries there.
I came home and cleaned up, keeping on top of my chores. It's nice to be able to have the energy to do these kinds of things now which I can attribute to both a combination of new medication, strength from moving around more, an easier time moving around from weight loss and increased energy.
Now I need to start focusing on things I want to work on next. I need some new goals. It's great that I've started walking Bradley down to the bus stop and have been able to start keeping up on my house and getting things in order, but now I need to start adding more things to the list of responsibilities that I'd like to be able to do again. I'm not sure what those are. I think my task for this weekend for myself will be to think about it. I don't want to overwhelm myself, so maybe for now it will just be one or two small things.
Whatever it is, I just want to make sure that I don't allow myself to get comfortable and become stagnant water. I must continue to improve by pushing my limits and I am ready to do that now. We'll see what I come up with over the weekend. Enjoy yours and see you next week!
I came home and cleaned up, keeping on top of my chores. It's nice to be able to have the energy to do these kinds of things now which I can attribute to both a combination of new medication, strength from moving around more, an easier time moving around from weight loss and increased energy.
Now I need to start focusing on things I want to work on next. I need some new goals. It's great that I've started walking Bradley down to the bus stop and have been able to start keeping up on my house and getting things in order, but now I need to start adding more things to the list of responsibilities that I'd like to be able to do again. I'm not sure what those are. I think my task for this weekend for myself will be to think about it. I don't want to overwhelm myself, so maybe for now it will just be one or two small things.
Whatever it is, I just want to make sure that I don't allow myself to get comfortable and become stagnant water. I must continue to improve by pushing my limits and I am ready to do that now. We'll see what I come up with over the weekend. Enjoy yours and see you next week!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Things Didn't Go Quite As Planned
Tuesday night I got a little excited and tried to do too many things. Now, I have been sleeping on my couch for about two years or possibly longer. The bed causes me severe pain in my knees, hips, along my spine, shoulders and neck. This only became a problem as I started reaching around 400lbs or so. I found relief with the couch, which is how I ended up there.
Since I'm nearly down to 400lbs again, I thought I would give the bed a try. I miss my husband at night! I brought everything upstairs and went to sleep. Every two hours I was waking up, trying to find a new position that would allow me to be in less pain and fall asleep again. I popped some ibuprofen to get some relief from the constant pain that I was experiencing by 2 a.m. By 4 a.m. I am awake once again and I sat up, the pain was unbearable. That was it, I was near tears and I just couldn't sleep anymore.
My husband helped me get back downstairs which was a real challenge, my hip felt like it kept locking and my knees did not want to bend right. Back on the couch offered little relief and I was not able to fall back to sleep until around 7 a.m. Needless to say, I did not get to walk Bradley down to the bus stop Wednesday morning.
I was a little mad about that whole thing, because I was actually looking forward to making that part of my morning routine. The good news is, that by the early afternoon and another dose of ibuprofen, I was finally rid of the pain and back to moving around normally. I feel good again! Thursday morning I will be getting my child to the bus stop by walking him down there. While I'm excited about it, I'm sure my little one will be pointing to the garage, reminding me about the car and whining about it being hot.
It's just one a day, Little Man, if I can do it, you can do it!
Since I'm nearly down to 400lbs again, I thought I would give the bed a try. I miss my husband at night! I brought everything upstairs and went to sleep. Every two hours I was waking up, trying to find a new position that would allow me to be in less pain and fall asleep again. I popped some ibuprofen to get some relief from the constant pain that I was experiencing by 2 a.m. By 4 a.m. I am awake once again and I sat up, the pain was unbearable. That was it, I was near tears and I just couldn't sleep anymore.
My husband helped me get back downstairs which was a real challenge, my hip felt like it kept locking and my knees did not want to bend right. Back on the couch offered little relief and I was not able to fall back to sleep until around 7 a.m. Needless to say, I did not get to walk Bradley down to the bus stop Wednesday morning.
I was a little mad about that whole thing, because I was actually looking forward to making that part of my morning routine. The good news is, that by the early afternoon and another dose of ibuprofen, I was finally rid of the pain and back to moving around normally. I feel good again! Thursday morning I will be getting my child to the bus stop by walking him down there. While I'm excited about it, I'm sure my little one will be pointing to the garage, reminding me about the car and whining about it being hot.
It's just one a day, Little Man, if I can do it, you can do it!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
You Want Me To Do What With My Feet?
So Tuesday morning my husband had to leave at 5 a.m. for P.T. He usually goes, does his morning workout then comes home in time to get my son to the bus stop which is down the street from the house. It's within walking distance but North Carolina heat is unforgiving, even at 6:30 a.m. So, he drives the kiddo down there and they wait in the air conditioned car until the bus arrives anywhere between 6:38 - 7:00. Thanks for keeping a reliable schedule city school district!
Well, as usual, I had gotten my little monster up and dressed and we were waiting for my husband to get home and I casually looked at the clock only to notice it was 6:29. Panic mode! I had to now walk my child down to the bus stop which I had never done and did not know if I was physically capable of doing.
After convincing my child that dad was not there nor was the car, we started walking down the street to the bus stop. I honestly can't tell you how far it is. I pass four housing units at least, which tells you absolutely nothing. I was fine until about the last 50 feet or so from the bus stop, then my lower back and back of my legs were on fire. Thankfully, I made it and sat my butt on the curb and read Bradley a book until the bus arrived.
When it left, I walked home and was doing great until right about when I reached my driveway and experienced that same pain as before. Not a big deal since I was right there and could go inside and rest before starting my house cleaning. I spent most of the day contemplating doing it again tomorrow.
Now, it wasn't pleasant discovering that I could walk that far at the last moment so I could get the kiddo on the bus, but it was exciting to be able to do it. I am going to go ahead and make it a daily routine now. Every morning I will walk my child down to the bus stop. The only thing stopping me from picking him up is the temperature in the afternoon. During the summer months we frequently have daily heat warnings to stay indoors which is just crazy so I'll wait until the weather cools to add afternoon walks.
Hopefully, after a couple weeks of doing this, it will build up the muscles in my legs and lower back so that short distance wont hurt as much and it'll help burn some more calories than just house cleaning alone will do. Then maybe a walk around the block will be in my future? I'm feeling optimistic about that!
Well, as usual, I had gotten my little monster up and dressed and we were waiting for my husband to get home and I casually looked at the clock only to notice it was 6:29. Panic mode! I had to now walk my child down to the bus stop which I had never done and did not know if I was physically capable of doing.
After convincing my child that dad was not there nor was the car, we started walking down the street to the bus stop. I honestly can't tell you how far it is. I pass four housing units at least, which tells you absolutely nothing. I was fine until about the last 50 feet or so from the bus stop, then my lower back and back of my legs were on fire. Thankfully, I made it and sat my butt on the curb and read Bradley a book until the bus arrived.
When it left, I walked home and was doing great until right about when I reached my driveway and experienced that same pain as before. Not a big deal since I was right there and could go inside and rest before starting my house cleaning. I spent most of the day contemplating doing it again tomorrow.
Now, it wasn't pleasant discovering that I could walk that far at the last moment so I could get the kiddo on the bus, but it was exciting to be able to do it. I am going to go ahead and make it a daily routine now. Every morning I will walk my child down to the bus stop. The only thing stopping me from picking him up is the temperature in the afternoon. During the summer months we frequently have daily heat warnings to stay indoors which is just crazy so I'll wait until the weather cools to add afternoon walks.
Hopefully, after a couple weeks of doing this, it will build up the muscles in my legs and lower back so that short distance wont hurt as much and it'll help burn some more calories than just house cleaning alone will do. Then maybe a walk around the block will be in my future? I'm feeling optimistic about that!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Let's Share!
Recently, I've wanted to get together and talk to other people about weight loss and the struggles that come with it because I just need to talk about it with someone other than my therapist. After doing a search online, I found that there was a local chapter for Overeaters Anonymous in my town and I was pretty excited about it at first.
I checked out the location on Google maps and tried to psych myself up into going. They meet once a week on Tuesdays at 6pm and I figured that I could handle this. Not only would this be great for support, but it might help me meet new people since I really struggle with creating and maintaining new friendships.
The only problem is, I really hate people. That makes no sense, right? I know, it's confusing to me, too. Try being in a position where you can't stand to be around people 95% of your waking day (not including husband and child) and then actually crave to be around others. How do you get around that? I have no idea.
I think I might just be having a little anxiety about being out in public while being obese, though. I've talked about it in the past, not wanting people to stare at me because of my size. I can't just assume because I'm going to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting that everyone there is going to be obese, too. Some people can overeat and not gain weight, but still need help. Not all binge eaters are obese. This is the dilemma for me, having to worry about being around skinny people who overeat. It makes me even more embarrassed about my size.
Anyway, what I think I need to do here is just force myself to go to one of these meetings eventually. It's going to take a bit more psyching up, however. Another week or two, perhaps? I wish I had someone to go with. Also, I wish I wasn't so big that I was worried about breaking a chair if I showed up or worried that I might not fit in the chair. It's times like this that I tend to fall back on the excuse, "Well, I'll just wait until I lose a few more pounds then do it." I need to break that habit.
I checked out the location on Google maps and tried to psych myself up into going. They meet once a week on Tuesdays at 6pm and I figured that I could handle this. Not only would this be great for support, but it might help me meet new people since I really struggle with creating and maintaining new friendships.
The only problem is, I really hate people. That makes no sense, right? I know, it's confusing to me, too. Try being in a position where you can't stand to be around people 95% of your waking day (not including husband and child) and then actually crave to be around others. How do you get around that? I have no idea.
I think I might just be having a little anxiety about being out in public while being obese, though. I've talked about it in the past, not wanting people to stare at me because of my size. I can't just assume because I'm going to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting that everyone there is going to be obese, too. Some people can overeat and not gain weight, but still need help. Not all binge eaters are obese. This is the dilemma for me, having to worry about being around skinny people who overeat. It makes me even more embarrassed about my size.
Anyway, what I think I need to do here is just force myself to go to one of these meetings eventually. It's going to take a bit more psyching up, however. Another week or two, perhaps? I wish I had someone to go with. Also, I wish I wasn't so big that I was worried about breaking a chair if I showed up or worried that I might not fit in the chair. It's times like this that I tend to fall back on the excuse, "Well, I'll just wait until I lose a few more pounds then do it." I need to break that habit.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Putting Myself First
I wanted to take a moment to talk about something that I actually told myself I wouldn't talk about on this blog; my mood disorder. I had been avoiding it, because I wanted this journal to be about my binge eating disorder, my weight loss and how I was dealing with all of it.
I have, in past posts, briefly mentioned my mood disorder without going into any detail, but as time went on it's been increasingly more difficult not to mention it when talking about my binging episodes and how my mood disorder might be affected by it. What I didn't really consider is that my mood disorder really does play a big part in all of this.
Having spent some time thinking about it over the weekend, I decided it probably wasn't a rare thing that people with eating disorders have some other underlying emotional issues to deal with. It could be just something from the past that they might have to work out or, in my case, an actual chemical imbalance. Whatever the case might be for them, or myself, it's there and it needs to be dealt with and addressed as part of the process to fix the overall problem.
So, while I'm maintaining my journal for my binge eating, I might occasionally mention something about my mood disorder. I'm not going to go on and on about it, or make a big deal out of it because that's still not the point me maintaining this site, but it is a part of who I am so I'm not going to ignore it and pretend like it's not there and it's not a part of the problem. Plus, I sometimes forget that I'm suppose to be doing this for myself above anyone else and I shouldn't leave anything out.
What I do want to say is that I don't whine about having a chemical imbalance any more than I do about having a binging problem or being obese. I actively do something about my issues and take care of myself, even if sometimes it takes me a while to get my act together to do it. I save all my whining for my therapist, because sometimes I need her to help me figure out which direction I'm suppose to be going in. Though, damnit, she still makes me figure it out on my own most of the time.
Anyway, my point is, I'm not going to neglect that part of me anymore, so feel free to skip those parts of my posts or just stop reading. I'm not going to forget that this is for me and my benefit most of all. I honestly don't even know what possessed me to exclude it in the beginning anyway or why I thought that it might be unrelated to what I was going through.
I have, in past posts, briefly mentioned my mood disorder without going into any detail, but as time went on it's been increasingly more difficult not to mention it when talking about my binging episodes and how my mood disorder might be affected by it. What I didn't really consider is that my mood disorder really does play a big part in all of this.
Having spent some time thinking about it over the weekend, I decided it probably wasn't a rare thing that people with eating disorders have some other underlying emotional issues to deal with. It could be just something from the past that they might have to work out or, in my case, an actual chemical imbalance. Whatever the case might be for them, or myself, it's there and it needs to be dealt with and addressed as part of the process to fix the overall problem.
So, while I'm maintaining my journal for my binge eating, I might occasionally mention something about my mood disorder. I'm not going to go on and on about it, or make a big deal out of it because that's still not the point me maintaining this site, but it is a part of who I am so I'm not going to ignore it and pretend like it's not there and it's not a part of the problem. Plus, I sometimes forget that I'm suppose to be doing this for myself above anyone else and I shouldn't leave anything out.
What I do want to say is that I don't whine about having a chemical imbalance any more than I do about having a binging problem or being obese. I actively do something about my issues and take care of myself, even if sometimes it takes me a while to get my act together to do it. I save all my whining for my therapist, because sometimes I need her to help me figure out which direction I'm suppose to be going in. Though, damnit, she still makes me figure it out on my own most of the time.
Anyway, my point is, I'm not going to neglect that part of me anymore, so feel free to skip those parts of my posts or just stop reading. I'm not going to forget that this is for me and my benefit most of all. I honestly don't even know what possessed me to exclude it in the beginning anyway or why I thought that it might be unrelated to what I was going through.
Friday, August 6, 2010
But Do You Loooooove Yourself?
Not long ago, a friend of mine started her process for the gastric bypass surgery and created a journal to document her progress. During her various appointments, she also encountered the dreaded "love yourself" talk which left her about as frustrated with people as it left me. However, something she was required to attend was a meeting for those who have had the surgery. While there, she spoke with someone who happened to share something extremely insightful.
You do love yourself, because here you are at this meeting and going through the process for the surgery so you can become healthy and improve the quality of your life. You might not like your body, but you love yourself.
I have to admit, when I read this in her journal I felt several things at once. First, I felt cheated. There should have been a spoiler warning so I could have chosen not to read that part. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with spoiler alerts so that just wasn't an option and really if this is accurate, it's just something I would have liked to figure out on my own.
Second, I was angry, because why couldn't my therapist just come out an tell me if that was really the case? This completely contradicts what I just said in my first reason, doesn't matter, thought processes are not always entirely rational! Sometimes I feel like she gets some sick joy out of watching me struggle in my therapy sessions (even though I know this isn't true).
Third, I became more than a little bit excited, hopeful and optimistic. Could it really be that simple? Because if it is, there are many things about me that I love. I absolutely do not like my body and some of the behaviors that got me this way, but I don't hate the parts of me that make up who I am. All those things I don't like? I'm working hard on changing those!
So, is it possible that I really do love myself? I feel both skeptical and positive that I do. I need to consider this more, which I will while I'm being motivated and cleaning the bathrooms today.
You do love yourself, because here you are at this meeting and going through the process for the surgery so you can become healthy and improve the quality of your life. You might not like your body, but you love yourself.
I have to admit, when I read this in her journal I felt several things at once. First, I felt cheated. There should have been a spoiler warning so I could have chosen not to read that part. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with spoiler alerts so that just wasn't an option and really if this is accurate, it's just something I would have liked to figure out on my own.
Second, I was angry, because why couldn't my therapist just come out an tell me if that was really the case? This completely contradicts what I just said in my first reason, doesn't matter, thought processes are not always entirely rational! Sometimes I feel like she gets some sick joy out of watching me struggle in my therapy sessions (even though I know this isn't true).
Third, I became more than a little bit excited, hopeful and optimistic. Could it really be that simple? Because if it is, there are many things about me that I love. I absolutely do not like my body and some of the behaviors that got me this way, but I don't hate the parts of me that make up who I am. All those things I don't like? I'm working hard on changing those!
So, is it possible that I really do love myself? I feel both skeptical and positive that I do. I need to consider this more, which I will while I'm being motivated and cleaning the bathrooms today.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
"Clean ALL the things!"
First, I have to point out that my title is blatantly stolen from a blogger that I enjoy reading, Hyperbole and a Half. The particular strip I borrowed it from makes me laugh and I use it as a pick-me-up when I'm feeling overwhelmed from the stuff. You know what the stuff is.
Life is the stuff. Recently though, the stuff hasn't been getting me down quiet as badly as it has been. Maybe it's because I'm almost at the 50lbs mark for weight loss and it's easier to move around. It could be that I feel good about myself for sticking to this or for learning about what triggers things like binge eating and for getting off my butt and doing something about my issues that led to being this big. Maybe it's a combination of all of the above.
The motivation doesn't just end at working on myself though. You should see my house! Every day since Sunday I have been working on a small area of the house, completely cleaning it from top to bottom. It's like I just moved in. It's been neglected for so long because I just 1) couldn't get motivated to move and 2) even if I had any energy to move, my weight was stopping me.
In the beginning, I would constantly question myself, when would I noticed a change in how I feel? It wasn't until I started exercising that I noticed any real change. Exercising improved my mood, gave me more energy, made my legs stronger and in return I was able to do more, such as stand for longer periods of time and walk further. Those things made me feel good, especially the standing and the walking, since I couldn't do those for more than a few steps or a few moments in the beginning.
Ok, now I'm not suddenly some fitness buff. I'm not working out for hours a day. Right now I'm replacing my exercising with some severe house cleaning and my dietitian said when I saw her on Wednesday, that was good because I was still moving around and I'm actually cleaning house a lot longer than I would be just exercising. Don't think house cleaning doesn't raise my heart rate or break a sweat. I am scrubbing floors and walls and running the vacuum and breaking a sweat. Ew.
Anyway, I feel like I might have gotten a bit off track here. I'm losing weight, I'm more motivated because I've lost weight, losing weight and weigh less. Speaking of being motivated, I'm getting antsy here and I really need to go get some vacuuming done. The house doesn't clean itself and the dog hair on the stairs is waiting. In fact, I'm pretty sure those clumps of hair have been there long enough that they may have formed into sentient life forms. I believe they're voting on a President this week. Better go nip that in the bud.
Life is the stuff. Recently though, the stuff hasn't been getting me down quiet as badly as it has been. Maybe it's because I'm almost at the 50lbs mark for weight loss and it's easier to move around. It could be that I feel good about myself for sticking to this or for learning about what triggers things like binge eating and for getting off my butt and doing something about my issues that led to being this big. Maybe it's a combination of all of the above.
The motivation doesn't just end at working on myself though. You should see my house! Every day since Sunday I have been working on a small area of the house, completely cleaning it from top to bottom. It's like I just moved in. It's been neglected for so long because I just 1) couldn't get motivated to move and 2) even if I had any energy to move, my weight was stopping me.
In the beginning, I would constantly question myself, when would I noticed a change in how I feel? It wasn't until I started exercising that I noticed any real change. Exercising improved my mood, gave me more energy, made my legs stronger and in return I was able to do more, such as stand for longer periods of time and walk further. Those things made me feel good, especially the standing and the walking, since I couldn't do those for more than a few steps or a few moments in the beginning.
Ok, now I'm not suddenly some fitness buff. I'm not working out for hours a day. Right now I'm replacing my exercising with some severe house cleaning and my dietitian said when I saw her on Wednesday, that was good because I was still moving around and I'm actually cleaning house a lot longer than I would be just exercising. Don't think house cleaning doesn't raise my heart rate or break a sweat. I am scrubbing floors and walls and running the vacuum and breaking a sweat. Ew.
Anyway, I feel like I might have gotten a bit off track here. I'm losing weight, I'm more motivated because I've lost weight, losing weight and weigh less. Speaking of being motivated, I'm getting antsy here and I really need to go get some vacuuming done. The house doesn't clean itself and the dog hair on the stairs is waiting. In fact, I'm pretty sure those clumps of hair have been there long enough that they may have formed into sentient life forms. I believe they're voting on a President this week. Better go nip that in the bud.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The Stakes are High
I don't usually gamble, because I know that I tend to have an addictive personality and get hooked on things easily. Even something as simple as Farmville. It was hard to give that game up. I needed a 12-step program for both it and for deleting my Facebook account.
All kidding aside, the one thing I wont risk taking chances on now, is my life. I mean, I've done that already with allowing myself to get the size that I currently am by having unresolved psych issues with the eating disorder that I didn't know existed. But I'm not going to continue to gamble with my life by jumping into something as risky as surgery.
Now, I'm actually not anti-surgery or anti-gastric bypass. I think that this is a remarkable way for someone to get healthy if they've been struggling with weight issues their whole life - if it is right for them. However, I just want to say do the research to make sure you know what you're getting into, which I've done for over two years.
As I've mentioned in the past, I've been looking into gastric bypass surgery for a long time and this is actually my second time going through the process to have the surgery done. The first time I passed the psych evaluation to have the procedure done but the second time I did not. This was a blessing in disguise, truly. I can't even imagine what would have happened to me if I had gone through with the surgery the first time after being approved and then had a binging episode. I likely could or would have died.
Not even considering that I may struggle with binging my whole life for a moment, let me just got over some of the other aspects of post-surgery that I have to worry about. There was the constant vitamin and mineral deficiency because of the amount of food I'd be restricted to which could possibly also lead to hair loss, anemia and bone loss. Other long term side effects could include ulcers, gallstones and bowel obstructions.
The short term side effects from the surgery are even more terrifying and include hernia, leaking, bleeding, abdominal pain, respiratory failure and my favorite: DEATH. Ok, to be fair, the death rate these days is down to %.01 or something very low and to continue to stay at my weight probably means I have a greater chance of dying from being obese by a certain age.
However, I have a child to think of and a husband I love, and this is why I am choosing the weight loss route and the therapy for my binge eating disorder to take care of my problem. Also, for those considering surgery if you happen to read this, don't let my decision not to have the surgery change your mind to not have it. These are my reasons and they're good for me. There are so many positive benefits from the surgery, too, and it gets you healthy and that's what's important. Remember, it's about making sure you're in a good place before you take that step.
So, with that said, I guess I have to say that I am choosing to bet on myself this time. Not the doctors. I've got everything riding on myself and the work I've done so far and the progress I've made. I don't think it's too early to be excited because I'm making good progress compared to attempts to lose weight in the past and recently I've been feeling proud of myself. I've never really felt proud of myself for this, but I'm giving it my all. I deserve to.
Hot damn, I'm on a roll here!
P.S. - It's good to see you again, Motivation. Perhaps a post about you tomorrow? I'm thinking maybe it's time.
All kidding aside, the one thing I wont risk taking chances on now, is my life. I mean, I've done that already with allowing myself to get the size that I currently am by having unresolved psych issues with the eating disorder that I didn't know existed. But I'm not going to continue to gamble with my life by jumping into something as risky as surgery.
Now, I'm actually not anti-surgery or anti-gastric bypass. I think that this is a remarkable way for someone to get healthy if they've been struggling with weight issues their whole life - if it is right for them. However, I just want to say do the research to make sure you know what you're getting into, which I've done for over two years.
As I've mentioned in the past, I've been looking into gastric bypass surgery for a long time and this is actually my second time going through the process to have the surgery done. The first time I passed the psych evaluation to have the procedure done but the second time I did not. This was a blessing in disguise, truly. I can't even imagine what would have happened to me if I had gone through with the surgery the first time after being approved and then had a binging episode. I likely could or would have died.
Not even considering that I may struggle with binging my whole life for a moment, let me just got over some of the other aspects of post-surgery that I have to worry about. There was the constant vitamin and mineral deficiency because of the amount of food I'd be restricted to which could possibly also lead to hair loss, anemia and bone loss. Other long term side effects could include ulcers, gallstones and bowel obstructions.
The short term side effects from the surgery are even more terrifying and include hernia, leaking, bleeding, abdominal pain, respiratory failure and my favorite: DEATH. Ok, to be fair, the death rate these days is down to %.01 or something very low and to continue to stay at my weight probably means I have a greater chance of dying from being obese by a certain age.
However, I have a child to think of and a husband I love, and this is why I am choosing the weight loss route and the therapy for my binge eating disorder to take care of my problem. Also, for those considering surgery if you happen to read this, don't let my decision not to have the surgery change your mind to not have it. These are my reasons and they're good for me. There are so many positive benefits from the surgery, too, and it gets you healthy and that's what's important. Remember, it's about making sure you're in a good place before you take that step.
So, with that said, I guess I have to say that I am choosing to bet on myself this time. Not the doctors. I've got everything riding on myself and the work I've done so far and the progress I've made. I don't think it's too early to be excited because I'm making good progress compared to attempts to lose weight in the past and recently I've been feeling proud of myself. I've never really felt proud of myself for this, but I'm giving it my all. I deserve to.
Hot damn, I'm on a roll here!
P.S. - It's good to see you again, Motivation. Perhaps a post about you tomorrow? I'm thinking maybe it's time.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Going Down?
So I've been trying to stay off the scale, because sometimes it triggers binge eating and that's never good. But Monday morning I decided to pull it out and weigh myself because with the loss of some of my pants I needed to know where I was hovering. The magic number was 417lbs.
Let me explain why this was exciting for me. In 2008, I tried to go through the process for gastric bypass surgery and was actually approved (and thank goodness I didn't have the surgery, knowing what I do now about myself). At the start of that attempt I was 416lbs so I'm really excited about getting down to the weight I was two years ago in such a short amount of time.
One of the things I feared about weight loss is how long it would take for the weight to come off. It took a long time for me to get heavy, but the weight actually comes off much more quickly than it does to put on I'm finding. I like this. As long as I continue my healthy eating, my exercise (slacking recently, post for another day) and going to my therapy sessions for my binge eating I know that I can be successful. The longer I do this, the easier it is to be positive about it.
Looking forward to my next therapy session, I have so many positive things to share with my therapist.
Let me explain why this was exciting for me. In 2008, I tried to go through the process for gastric bypass surgery and was actually approved (and thank goodness I didn't have the surgery, knowing what I do now about myself). At the start of that attempt I was 416lbs so I'm really excited about getting down to the weight I was two years ago in such a short amount of time.
One of the things I feared about weight loss is how long it would take for the weight to come off. It took a long time for me to get heavy, but the weight actually comes off much more quickly than it does to put on I'm finding. I like this. As long as I continue my healthy eating, my exercise (slacking recently, post for another day) and going to my therapy sessions for my binge eating I know that I can be successful. The longer I do this, the easier it is to be positive about it.
Looking forward to my next therapy session, I have so many positive things to share with my therapist.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Dear Pants, It's Not You, It's Me
It is with great joy that I can say that my current pants are becoming a real pain in the ass to have to wear. I keep having to pull them up to keep them on. One pair, I completely can't even wear anymore because after a few steps they fall down to my knees. Terribly embarrassing if I were to wear them outside of the house.
So I'm really looking forward to picking up some new pants one size smaller. I'm not ready to go a size smaller in shirts yet, weird how that works, but that's alright because I know I'm going to get there. How exciting it is for me to me going down a size though! This is a first for me in about 15 or more years.
On a side note, I just want to say that I'm healing really well. I've stuck to my antibiotics (like I should be doing) and those should be finished up on Monday or Tuesday I think. Leg is feeling better but at my follow up on Friday the doctor told me to continue to take it easy over the weekend. I'm getting antsy, but I am going to play it safe and just wait until the antibiotics are finished up before I start using my electric peddler again and start stressing those leg muscles.
Feeling really good emotionally and physically right now and looking forward to therapy soon.
So I'm really looking forward to picking up some new pants one size smaller. I'm not ready to go a size smaller in shirts yet, weird how that works, but that's alright because I know I'm going to get there. How exciting it is for me to me going down a size though! This is a first for me in about 15 or more years.
On a side note, I just want to say that I'm healing really well. I've stuck to my antibiotics (like I should be doing) and those should be finished up on Monday or Tuesday I think. Leg is feeling better but at my follow up on Friday the doctor told me to continue to take it easy over the weekend. I'm getting antsy, but I am going to play it safe and just wait until the antibiotics are finished up before I start using my electric peddler again and start stressing those leg muscles.
Feeling really good emotionally and physically right now and looking forward to therapy soon.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Dredging Up the Past
Unfortunately, a lot about healing involves actually having to hurt again. This means talking about things in therapy that I just don't like to talk about. Once of those things I don't like to talk about is my family and my relationships with just about every single one of them. I think it would be fair to say that this can be a painful thing for everyone to have to go through at some point so people know what I'm talking about when I say this.
So, family comes up often. Now, since most of my therapy involves my binge eating, family and my relationship with food comes up often. You know, every visit. One of the things I talked about with my therapist was how growing up there never seemed to be a lot of food in the house. The fridge was never full, nor were the cabinets. It seemed even worse after my parents were divorced because money was very tight for reasons I wont even go into here because it has nothing to do with this blog, but there was definitely less food in the house after my parents split.
Now, as a child I was always comparing what I had to what everyone else had. I don't know why or when this started to happen, but I had friends who always had way more food in their kitchens, or toys in their bedrooms or clothes in their closets. There was even one boy, I recall, in third grade who went out of his way to point out to me that we were poor, his parents bought him way more new clothes for him for the first day of school than mine did and I was a loser. Thanks for that, Jason, I still remember who you are. That might have been the start of the cycle, but since I'm not sure, I'm not going to commit to it.
Anyway, as I got older, it always stressed me out there was never anything in the house to eat. It always felt like this to me. When I got my first job when I was 15, you can bet most of my paycheck usually went to eating or food of some type, because this is what I believed. There was never any food in the house. Imagine going on for most of your life with this thought that there is hardly ever food in your house and that you're really poor and can't afford to keep your fridge stocked. Stressful for a kid, right?
Imagine thinking this is true up through your adult years and struggling with eating and weight problems because of it. Yeah, it sucks. My relationship with food is so unhealthy because of it. I feel like I can't stop eating at a meal if there is still food on my plate, even if I'm not hungry anymore, because what if there is no more food later? Doesn't matter that I know there is food later. It's not like I'm actually thinking this, really, it's just this underlying stress that it always there so when I'm eating, I'm actually stressed out. Yeah. When I'm eating. Normally.
Now, I know this blog is less than two weeks old, but I've gone from rarely thinking about things outside of therapy to keeping a blog on a daily basis and thinking about therapy related things constantly and I came to a startling realization. We weren't short on food when I was a kid. Even when my parents split and money was tight, there was always food in the house. Hell, I never went to school without breakfast unless I chose to skip it, mom always had lunch money for me as long as I didn't forget to ask for it and every damn night that woman had something on the table for me for dinner. It sure as hell might not have been steak, but it was food and it wasn't terrible and it was usually healthy. Mom wasn't a health nut, but she wasn't a junk food fan.
She made sure there were fresh vegetables and fruits and most of the meat in the house was usually chicken because that was inexpensive. So what was I thinking? Well, the house wasn't stocked with junk food. Money just wasn't wasted on crap like that, because money was tight. And maybe we were struggling but we weren't starving and we definitely weren't poor. There were people doing much worse than us.
What it doesn't fix is years of warped perspective brought on by outside influence. However, it does give me something to think about as I'm working on changing my behavior going forward. It also helps me work on playing the blame game with my parents for my current condition. I'm sure I'll find some other way to do that in the future, but I'm working on one thing at a time.
So, before I go, I would just like to say one final thing. To the little boy who I never forgot that said hurtful and hateful things to me because you thought you were better than I was simply because you had more money: I hope you didn't grow up to be that way as an adult. My heart hurts for you if you turned out to be that type of person.
Have a great weekend everyone.
So, family comes up often. Now, since most of my therapy involves my binge eating, family and my relationship with food comes up often. You know, every visit. One of the things I talked about with my therapist was how growing up there never seemed to be a lot of food in the house. The fridge was never full, nor were the cabinets. It seemed even worse after my parents were divorced because money was very tight for reasons I wont even go into here because it has nothing to do with this blog, but there was definitely less food in the house after my parents split.
Now, as a child I was always comparing what I had to what everyone else had. I don't know why or when this started to happen, but I had friends who always had way more food in their kitchens, or toys in their bedrooms or clothes in their closets. There was even one boy, I recall, in third grade who went out of his way to point out to me that we were poor, his parents bought him way more new clothes for him for the first day of school than mine did and I was a loser. Thanks for that, Jason, I still remember who you are. That might have been the start of the cycle, but since I'm not sure, I'm not going to commit to it.
Anyway, as I got older, it always stressed me out there was never anything in the house to eat. It always felt like this to me. When I got my first job when I was 15, you can bet most of my paycheck usually went to eating or food of some type, because this is what I believed. There was never any food in the house. Imagine going on for most of your life with this thought that there is hardly ever food in your house and that you're really poor and can't afford to keep your fridge stocked. Stressful for a kid, right?
Imagine thinking this is true up through your adult years and struggling with eating and weight problems because of it. Yeah, it sucks. My relationship with food is so unhealthy because of it. I feel like I can't stop eating at a meal if there is still food on my plate, even if I'm not hungry anymore, because what if there is no more food later? Doesn't matter that I know there is food later. It's not like I'm actually thinking this, really, it's just this underlying stress that it always there so when I'm eating, I'm actually stressed out. Yeah. When I'm eating. Normally.
Now, I know this blog is less than two weeks old, but I've gone from rarely thinking about things outside of therapy to keeping a blog on a daily basis and thinking about therapy related things constantly and I came to a startling realization. We weren't short on food when I was a kid. Even when my parents split and money was tight, there was always food in the house. Hell, I never went to school without breakfast unless I chose to skip it, mom always had lunch money for me as long as I didn't forget to ask for it and every damn night that woman had something on the table for me for dinner. It sure as hell might not have been steak, but it was food and it wasn't terrible and it was usually healthy. Mom wasn't a health nut, but she wasn't a junk food fan.
She made sure there were fresh vegetables and fruits and most of the meat in the house was usually chicken because that was inexpensive. So what was I thinking? Well, the house wasn't stocked with junk food. Money just wasn't wasted on crap like that, because money was tight. And maybe we were struggling but we weren't starving and we definitely weren't poor. There were people doing much worse than us.
What it doesn't fix is years of warped perspective brought on by outside influence. However, it does give me something to think about as I'm working on changing my behavior going forward. It also helps me work on playing the blame game with my parents for my current condition. I'm sure I'll find some other way to do that in the future, but I'm working on one thing at a time.
So, before I go, I would just like to say one final thing. To the little boy who I never forgot that said hurtful and hateful things to me because you thought you were better than I was simply because you had more money: I hope you didn't grow up to be that way as an adult. My heart hurts for you if you turned out to be that type of person.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Did You Get Enough to Eat?
Recently I've been having this conversation with a friend about how my husband always asks me about my dinner and it drives me crazy and makes me extremely uncomfortable. It's always made me uncomfortable because even before I knew of binge eating, I had the weight problem so I did not like talking about the food or eating the food.
The questions were innocent enough:
However, they drove me crazy. Just stop asking and let me eat my meal in peace because you are irritating the crap out of me and making me even more self conscious than I already am. It got to the point that I even asked him to stop asking. He would forget, I would politely remind him not to ask me again. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Now, I could just be remembering incorrectly but I recall when growing up in New York, it didn't seem to matter who we had dinner with - Mom, Nana and Grandpa, Dad, Uncle and Aunt, you get the idea - that you sat down, mentioned how good everything smelled and ate while having some sort of conversation. At the end of the meal, everyone then made it a point to mention the meal was great or how they really enjoyed a specific dish. No one was bothering anyone two seconds after taking a bite and asking how the food was.
Back to my conversation with my friend, who can both commiserate that she dislikes when this happens to her then admits that she does the same thing to her family which drew from me a hearty laugh. She goes on to point out that it may be a Southern thing. Both she and my husband are from southern states while I grew up so close to the Canadian border I could toss a rock at it would almost reach.
Cultural differences? Would that be a correct term in this instance? I believe it applies. It gave me something to think about, and to laugh about because my friend explained when it is she doing the asking, it just comes out. The question is just part of the ritual of mealtime without really giving it much thought despite how it makes her feel when she's asked. Though even without her telling me that, I've figured out that he just does this and it isn't malicious nor is it when she asks, or when her family asks.
I did end up asking him if this was a common question in his house, since I could only vaguely recall experiencing it once or twice while I had visited my mother-in-law in the past. He said it was.
Well, the issue is my own and something I need to work on. There is no reason for me to let food stress me out or the innocent questions that are posed to me about it. I will go ahead and remind myself the next time my husband asks me how my food is that it's ok to answer him that my food is ok instead of getting upset over it and let it go so I don't get upset or possibly angry about it later. This will just take a little bit of work.
P.S. Are you sure you got enough to eat? Because I have plenty more...
The questions were innocent enough:
"How's the food?"
"Did you get enough to eat?"
"Would you like some more?"
However, they drove me crazy. Just stop asking and let me eat my meal in peace because you are irritating the crap out of me and making me even more self conscious than I already am. It got to the point that I even asked him to stop asking. He would forget, I would politely remind him not to ask me again. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Now, I could just be remembering incorrectly but I recall when growing up in New York, it didn't seem to matter who we had dinner with - Mom, Nana and Grandpa, Dad, Uncle and Aunt, you get the idea - that you sat down, mentioned how good everything smelled and ate while having some sort of conversation. At the end of the meal, everyone then made it a point to mention the meal was great or how they really enjoyed a specific dish. No one was bothering anyone two seconds after taking a bite and asking how the food was.
Back to my conversation with my friend, who can both commiserate that she dislikes when this happens to her then admits that she does the same thing to her family which drew from me a hearty laugh. She goes on to point out that it may be a Southern thing. Both she and my husband are from southern states while I grew up so close to the Canadian border I could toss a rock at it would almost reach.
Cultural differences? Would that be a correct term in this instance? I believe it applies. It gave me something to think about, and to laugh about because my friend explained when it is she doing the asking, it just comes out. The question is just part of the ritual of mealtime without really giving it much thought despite how it makes her feel when she's asked. Though even without her telling me that, I've figured out that he just does this and it isn't malicious nor is it when she asks, or when her family asks.
I did end up asking him if this was a common question in his house, since I could only vaguely recall experiencing it once or twice while I had visited my mother-in-law in the past. He said it was.
Well, the issue is my own and something I need to work on. There is no reason for me to let food stress me out or the innocent questions that are posed to me about it. I will go ahead and remind myself the next time my husband asks me how my food is that it's ok to answer him that my food is ok instead of getting upset over it and let it go so I don't get upset or possibly angry about it later. This will just take a little bit of work.
P.S. Are you sure you got enough to eat? Because I have plenty more...
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
My Favorite Five Letter Word
During the first several weeks of my therapy sessions, my therapist would say to me that I had to learn to love myself. This phrase would incite such anger that if I could be the almighty Zeus, I would hurl my bolts of lightning down upon the Earth from where I stand on Mt. Olympus and lay waste to all of mankind. Really, I loathed hearing those words from her.
She also gave me reasons why but I'll admit to being too angry to listen to what they were at the time, though I'm sure we'll talk about it again in the future. Every week though, she would say it. Finally, I was so furious and so sick of hearing it, I snapped at her and said, "Stop telling me to love myself! It's not going to happen. There is currently nothing about myself to love. Maybe when the weight is off, I'll feel differently, but right now it's not going to happen."
She asked me, "Do you know how many times I was able to ask you that before you finally told me to stop? I've been counting. Have you? Five."
I didn't get the point. I still don't know what the point is because I have a long way to go with my therapy and I can't figure it all out at once. However, the number of times was apparently five and she never brought it up again. My point is anger was getting in the way of me understanding something about myself.
Yes, I'm only figuring this out now but what made me realize it was the hospital visit on Saturday and my visit with Dr. Douchebag (name changed to protect the misguided). When he left the room and I was putting my sock back on my foot, I suddenly chose to let go of my anger and use that moment as a motivational reminder that I can do this even if he didn't think I could. Recognizing that I could let go of anger was an incredible feeling. Empowering, even!
Ok, there is a slight problem now. I can't get it back. I have been angry since then about other things and I don't know how to stop being angry about everything and I don't know how to let go of that emotion over other situations. Is it because I subconsciously don't want to or because I just don't know how to and what happened at the hospital was a complete fluke? Is being angry the emotional equivalent to taking the easy way out of a hard situation or job?
So, I'm frustrated with myself and a little confused about it all. I'm adding this to the list of things I need to think about more and perhaps even bring up in my next therapy session. I have to stop letting anger stop me from doing things.
She also gave me reasons why but I'll admit to being too angry to listen to what they were at the time, though I'm sure we'll talk about it again in the future. Every week though, she would say it. Finally, I was so furious and so sick of hearing it, I snapped at her and said, "Stop telling me to love myself! It's not going to happen. There is currently nothing about myself to love. Maybe when the weight is off, I'll feel differently, but right now it's not going to happen."
She asked me, "Do you know how many times I was able to ask you that before you finally told me to stop? I've been counting. Have you? Five."
I didn't get the point. I still don't know what the point is because I have a long way to go with my therapy and I can't figure it all out at once. However, the number of times was apparently five and she never brought it up again. My point is anger was getting in the way of me understanding something about myself.
Yes, I'm only figuring this out now but what made me realize it was the hospital visit on Saturday and my visit with Dr. Douchebag (name changed to protect the misguided). When he left the room and I was putting my sock back on my foot, I suddenly chose to let go of my anger and use that moment as a motivational reminder that I can do this even if he didn't think I could. Recognizing that I could let go of anger was an incredible feeling. Empowering, even!
Ok, there is a slight problem now. I can't get it back. I have been angry since then about other things and I don't know how to stop being angry about everything and I don't know how to let go of that emotion over other situations. Is it because I subconsciously don't want to or because I just don't know how to and what happened at the hospital was a complete fluke? Is being angry the emotional equivalent to taking the easy way out of a hard situation or job?
So, I'm frustrated with myself and a little confused about it all. I'm adding this to the list of things I need to think about more and perhaps even bring up in my next therapy session. I have to stop letting anger stop me from doing things.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Number You Have Dialed Has Been Disconnected
Part of my therapy process has been trying to learn what my triggers are for binge eating. Sometimes it's simple things like having a food item in the house that I just want to eat and the go overboard with it. More often for me, it's tied to emotions. I use food as a way to feel better and for someone who already has has a mood disorder you can probably guess, this is a really bad way to cope for someone who frequently rides the EOE (Emotional Overload Express).
Many times I set myself up for binging episodes without thinking about the consequences of my actions. It involves dealing with people I care about and expecting them to behave towards me or my requests in a particular way. When they let me down, I get upset, it triggers that compulsive eating and there I am, feeling physically an emotionally sick because I just ate myself stupid once again.
Ok, now that is an oversimplified explanation and only someone who has been through this (surely just about everyone, right?) and identified and dealt with the pain of constant rejection of a family member (or someone you care about) who you expect to be there or to follow through with something they're going to do or say is going to really understand the kind of hurt I am talking about here. I am not talking about a random occasion, I am talking about years of consistent and repeated events of being let down with no attempts of apologies or remorse when truly having made a mistake.
So, I thought that the easy solution for myself was, "Don't set yourself up for these kinds of disappointments, Rachael, by expecting things from others and simply just don't interact with that person at all." (I don't take complete credit for that, I have a therapist you know!) This only kind of works, because I have to be willing to commit to the cutting that person out of my life completely. I don't want to do that, because I love that person even if they have faults.
This leaves me with a solution of accepting their faults, knowing they're more than likely going to let me down or not meet my expectations again in the future, because that's what they do and learn how to let these things roll off my back and not send me packing on at trip down the EOE. (Again, thank you therapy.)
My only problem here is I don't know how to stop desperately wanting the person who lets me down the most to stop letting me down and just be there. I think, "That would stop some binging episodes, right?" I also know it would not teach me how to control the binging at all, nor would it teach me how to deal with the shattering disappointment that comes with being let down when expecting a certain outcome.
So there it is, I have my answer, I know what I have to do, but now I have to accept it. That's the hard part and I'm working on it. Life needs an on switch for everything. "I need to change a behavior? Oh let me just flip the switch for that right over .... here.... got it! All better." I'll get it figure out eventually, I figure.
Before I go, I have to add that I have considered that my expectations of my family might be unreasonable and I haven't realized that yet - or is thinking about it possibly realizing it? Either way, I'm not ruling anything out this early in the game and I am considering it more.
Many times I set myself up for binging episodes without thinking about the consequences of my actions. It involves dealing with people I care about and expecting them to behave towards me or my requests in a particular way. When they let me down, I get upset, it triggers that compulsive eating and there I am, feeling physically an emotionally sick because I just ate myself stupid once again.
Ok, now that is an oversimplified explanation and only someone who has been through this (surely just about everyone, right?) and identified and dealt with the pain of constant rejection of a family member (or someone you care about) who you expect to be there or to follow through with something they're going to do or say is going to really understand the kind of hurt I am talking about here. I am not talking about a random occasion, I am talking about years of consistent and repeated events of being let down with no attempts of apologies or remorse when truly having made a mistake.
So, I thought that the easy solution for myself was, "Don't set yourself up for these kinds of disappointments, Rachael, by expecting things from others and simply just don't interact with that person at all." (I don't take complete credit for that, I have a therapist you know!) This only kind of works, because I have to be willing to commit to the cutting that person out of my life completely. I don't want to do that, because I love that person even if they have faults.
This leaves me with a solution of accepting their faults, knowing they're more than likely going to let me down or not meet my expectations again in the future, because that's what they do and learn how to let these things roll off my back and not send me packing on at trip down the EOE. (Again, thank you therapy.)
My only problem here is I don't know how to stop desperately wanting the person who lets me down the most to stop letting me down and just be there. I think, "That would stop some binging episodes, right?" I also know it would not teach me how to control the binging at all, nor would it teach me how to deal with the shattering disappointment that comes with being let down when expecting a certain outcome.
So there it is, I have my answer, I know what I have to do, but now I have to accept it. That's the hard part and I'm working on it. Life needs an on switch for everything. "I need to change a behavior? Oh let me just flip the switch for that right over .... here.... got it! All better." I'll get it figure out eventually, I figure.
Before I go, I have to add that I have considered that my expectations of my family might be unreasonable and I haven't realized that yet - or is thinking about it possibly realizing it? Either way, I'm not ruling anything out this early in the game and I am considering it more.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Ignoring the Warning Signs
Our bodies are very good at telling us that something is wrong, but sometimes we're either not very good at listening or, in my case, I will simply outright ignore it because ... you may have guessed it, I'm fat. I allow my weight to stop me from going out into public, because I don't want people to stare at me even if this means not treating something like bronchitis or even a simple cold. So, I confine myself to my house.
About two weeks ago I developed a nasty little infection in my toe thanks to what was either athlete's foot or fungal infection. By Wednesday of last week it had started healing over, but I had started getting sick woth what I thought were flu-like symptoms which I did not connect to my toe (because, who would?) and still could have been completely unrelated at that point.
On Thursday I woke up with some minor lower right leg pain, below mid-calf and above my ankle in three specific points on my leg that had small purply-red spots developing. It was very odd, but I didn't think much about it other than it was where my leg rested on the recliner where I sleep and I was assuming I was developing uncomfortable pressure points. On Friday the pain was worse, popped some ibuprofen and hoped for the best. Friday night I developed chills and a fever and had my husband pick up cold medicine, annoyed that I was getting sick in the middle of summer.
On Saturday morning I realized that I was having pain while walking and though I had done things like showered and changed my clothes I had not really bothered looking at my leg. Pulling up the leg of my pants, it looked awful. What the hell was that? That was not a leg. That was a purple swollen gross stump of something and it hurt when I barely touched it.
Having worked in the medical field for years I had a sneaking suspicion of what it might be, but I didn't want to admit to myself that it might be that. So, I used an online diagnosing program to help me confirm my fears that it probably was what I thought it was, and it was at the top of the list of three conditions it could be, all which I should seek treatment for within the next 24 hours. Cellulitis.
I was horrified. It took the persistent pushing of both my husband and a friend to get me to go to the walk-in clinic on the base to get treated. Why? Because I'm fat and I didn't want people to stare at me. I didn't want to have to sit there and talk to the doctor about my weight because I was too afraid he was going to blame my condition on diabetes, which is another cause of cellulitis, but was not the cause of it in my case since I do not have diabetes.
Packing up my medications, I went to the clinic anyway because this is a serious medical condition and I couldn't leave it untreated. It needed antibiotics this time, I couldn't let being obese stand in the way of seeking treatment for an illness.
The doctor did exactly what I thought he would and ... did his job. Asked if I had diabetes. It's his job! I know this. I was still annoyed, though, and that's my issue because he's still required to ask questions and do his job. I assured him that I did not have diabetes despite my weight, explained the infected toe and showed it to him with the newly healed skin and he immediately agreed that it was more likely to have been that cause since almost the entire top of the toe was now covered in new skin.
Despite that, the conversation still turned back to my weight and diabetes. But, I came prepared. I very calmly and even somewhat proudly told him that I had gone to a bariatric surgeon for gastric bypass and during the psych evaluation was diagnosed with binge eating disorder. I was now seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist for binge eating disorder weekly to bi-weekly, a dietitian monthly and my regular doctor regularly.
I went on to explain that I was on medication for my blood pressure and that while my sugar levels had been borderline high when last tested in March, my doctor and I agreed we would wait before putting me on medication for diabetes because I was actively losing weight through healthy eating and exercise and seeing the dietitian and in 6 months we would retest me to see how the numbers looked. I even told him that I had now lost over 40lbs. That's 40. I'm under 420lbs!
What came out of his mouth next though floored me. He went on to say that when he was going to medical school, he used to binge eat when he was stressed so he could understand, he just never gained the weight. I must have had a look on my face that clearly said, "Did you just compare your med school stress eating with my lifetime of uncontrollable compulsive eating?" because he quickly followed it up with how he didn't really know much about how cognitive therapy worked but that he hoped I was doing well with it and obviously it was working for me to drop 40lbs and gave me what sounded like an apologetic congratulations if that's somehow possible.
Then he turned around, told me to go back to see my primary physician for a follow up in a few days and to get my blood rechecked for diabetes. I should also get back to the surgeon for that gastric bypass as soon as I could, as it was my best option for success. Beg your pardon? I was actually furious with this guy for suggesting that but thanked him for his information on the cellulitis and the antibiotic and promised him that I would be following up with my primary physician in a few days as he instructed.
When he left the room, I sat down in the chair and I thought to myself, "This guy... thinks I'm going to fail?" That was all I could come up with. I had actually given him some very good detail about the cognitive behavioral therapy and how much I had learned about binge eating and triggers and how it was helping me with my weight loss. The fact that he was suggesting the surgery though after all that just made me come to the conclusion that he believes that I'm going to fail.
Well, I have news for you. I'm not going to fail. Also, it felt really good to tell you that I lost 40lbs, even if I am still over 400lbs and I didn't have surgery to do it and I did it a little more slowly than other people might have. I will also have you know, I will not be getting the surgery, even if it means getting the weight off faster to correct issues like my blood pressure and borderline blood sugar level. You know why? One binging episode after I have a gastric bypass and I will die and considering I still cant control all my binging episodes yet, that's a problem. So no, I wont be going to do that and I am happy about it.
I would like add, that going to the doctors made me realize it's my chance to brag TO a doctor that I am losing weight and if it's a doctor that I see regularly, they'll even be able to open my chart see that and go, "Wow, you are losing weight!" Maybe they will praise me, because I like praise, and because they are a regular doctor I know they wont say something stupid like, "Go get surgery."
Also, you are a huge tool.
So, I did learn a lesson this past weekend: Self, the outcome was good, even though the experience at the Navy clinic was negative. When you feel sick, go ahead to the doctors so you can get treated to feel better and boast when you have the opportunity. Take your chance to pat yourself on the back because you deserve it.
About two weeks ago I developed a nasty little infection in my toe thanks to what was either athlete's foot or fungal infection. By Wednesday of last week it had started healing over, but I had started getting sick woth what I thought were flu-like symptoms which I did not connect to my toe (because, who would?) and still could have been completely unrelated at that point.
On Thursday I woke up with some minor lower right leg pain, below mid-calf and above my ankle in three specific points on my leg that had small purply-red spots developing. It was very odd, but I didn't think much about it other than it was where my leg rested on the recliner where I sleep and I was assuming I was developing uncomfortable pressure points. On Friday the pain was worse, popped some ibuprofen and hoped for the best. Friday night I developed chills and a fever and had my husband pick up cold medicine, annoyed that I was getting sick in the middle of summer.
On Saturday morning I realized that I was having pain while walking and though I had done things like showered and changed my clothes I had not really bothered looking at my leg. Pulling up the leg of my pants, it looked awful. What the hell was that? That was not a leg. That was a purple swollen gross stump of something and it hurt when I barely touched it.
Having worked in the medical field for years I had a sneaking suspicion of what it might be, but I didn't want to admit to myself that it might be that. So, I used an online diagnosing program to help me confirm my fears that it probably was what I thought it was, and it was at the top of the list of three conditions it could be, all which I should seek treatment for within the next 24 hours. Cellulitis.
I was horrified. It took the persistent pushing of both my husband and a friend to get me to go to the walk-in clinic on the base to get treated. Why? Because I'm fat and I didn't want people to stare at me. I didn't want to have to sit there and talk to the doctor about my weight because I was too afraid he was going to blame my condition on diabetes, which is another cause of cellulitis, but was not the cause of it in my case since I do not have diabetes.
Packing up my medications, I went to the clinic anyway because this is a serious medical condition and I couldn't leave it untreated. It needed antibiotics this time, I couldn't let being obese stand in the way of seeking treatment for an illness.
The doctor did exactly what I thought he would and ... did his job. Asked if I had diabetes. It's his job! I know this. I was still annoyed, though, and that's my issue because he's still required to ask questions and do his job. I assured him that I did not have diabetes despite my weight, explained the infected toe and showed it to him with the newly healed skin and he immediately agreed that it was more likely to have been that cause since almost the entire top of the toe was now covered in new skin.
Despite that, the conversation still turned back to my weight and diabetes. But, I came prepared. I very calmly and even somewhat proudly told him that I had gone to a bariatric surgeon for gastric bypass and during the psych evaluation was diagnosed with binge eating disorder. I was now seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist for binge eating disorder weekly to bi-weekly, a dietitian monthly and my regular doctor regularly.
I went on to explain that I was on medication for my blood pressure and that while my sugar levels had been borderline high when last tested in March, my doctor and I agreed we would wait before putting me on medication for diabetes because I was actively losing weight through healthy eating and exercise and seeing the dietitian and in 6 months we would retest me to see how the numbers looked. I even told him that I had now lost over 40lbs. That's 40. I'm under 420lbs!
What came out of his mouth next though floored me. He went on to say that when he was going to medical school, he used to binge eat when he was stressed so he could understand, he just never gained the weight. I must have had a look on my face that clearly said, "Did you just compare your med school stress eating with my lifetime of uncontrollable compulsive eating?" because he quickly followed it up with how he didn't really know much about how cognitive therapy worked but that he hoped I was doing well with it and obviously it was working for me to drop 40lbs and gave me what sounded like an apologetic congratulations if that's somehow possible.
Then he turned around, told me to go back to see my primary physician for a follow up in a few days and to get my blood rechecked for diabetes. I should also get back to the surgeon for that gastric bypass as soon as I could, as it was my best option for success. Beg your pardon? I was actually furious with this guy for suggesting that but thanked him for his information on the cellulitis and the antibiotic and promised him that I would be following up with my primary physician in a few days as he instructed.
When he left the room, I sat down in the chair and I thought to myself, "This guy... thinks I'm going to fail?" That was all I could come up with. I had actually given him some very good detail about the cognitive behavioral therapy and how much I had learned about binge eating and triggers and how it was helping me with my weight loss. The fact that he was suggesting the surgery though after all that just made me come to the conclusion that he believes that I'm going to fail.
Well, I have news for you. I'm not going to fail. Also, it felt really good to tell you that I lost 40lbs, even if I am still over 400lbs and I didn't have surgery to do it and I did it a little more slowly than other people might have. I will also have you know, I will not be getting the surgery, even if it means getting the weight off faster to correct issues like my blood pressure and borderline blood sugar level. You know why? One binging episode after I have a gastric bypass and I will die and considering I still cant control all my binging episodes yet, that's a problem. So no, I wont be going to do that and I am happy about it.
I would like add, that going to the doctors made me realize it's my chance to brag TO a doctor that I am losing weight and if it's a doctor that I see regularly, they'll even be able to open my chart see that and go, "Wow, you are losing weight!" Maybe they will praise me, because I like praise, and because they are a regular doctor I know they wont say something stupid like, "Go get surgery."
Also, you are a huge tool.
So, I did learn a lesson this past weekend: Self, the outcome was good, even though the experience at the Navy clinic was negative. When you feel sick, go ahead to the doctors so you can get treated to feel better and boast when you have the opportunity. Take your chance to pat yourself on the back because you deserve it.
Friday, July 23, 2010
The Blame Game
In my introduction post, I briefly mention how as a child, it was my parent's fault that I was chubby. After all, it's the responsibility of the parent to teach us about nutrition, the importance of exercising and not overeating. Unfortunately psychology then isn't what it is today and the study of mood disorders, emotional eating or eating disorders were likely still in their infancy. Please understand I am not saying they were not known but I am saying that information probably wasn't common knowledge and my parents certainly wouldn't have had any information about them.
About my parents, there is just no way they could have known that using food to cheer up an upset child was going to create a problem down the road. Years later, however, I'm stuck in this cycle of The Blame Game. It's not their fault, but they supplied me with food when I was sad or depressed as a pick me up. It became a constant crutch and then I started doing it on my own, so I'm mad at them for doing it, but they couldn't have known, but I wish they hadn't and I get angry at them for doing it. I struggle with forgiving and letting go (a topic for another day).
The only thing good that came out of all of this was that when I had my child, I constantly worried over him becoming the fat kid. I made sure I took him out to play frequently, I tried to get him to eat healthy and I used other positive ways to cheer him up instead of food. Yes, I actually managed to do this without a therapist's advice years ago. What I ended up with was an active child who had his father's metabolism who refuses to eat anything but pizza, chicken nuggets and fishsticks despite my introduction of other foods.
Unfortunately, it was a double-edged sword and I also became obsessive over my son's weight. Never around my son, but to my husband I would constantly voice my concern that he was either 1 or 2 pounds underweight for his age or overweight for his age and my husband would have to bring me back down to Earth and remind me that he's healthy and active and a growing boy and that he is not overweight.
So now, I have added on to the list of things that need work:
Today is therapy day. I'm looking forward to my appointment so I can discuss something shocking I've recently discovered about myself. Losing weight sends me into panic mode. I actually fear losing weight. Hmm. I'm not sure what to make of this. We'll see what happens at my appointment.
Happy Friday! See you next week.
About my parents, there is just no way they could have known that using food to cheer up an upset child was going to create a problem down the road. Years later, however, I'm stuck in this cycle of The Blame Game. It's not their fault, but they supplied me with food when I was sad or depressed as a pick me up. It became a constant crutch and then I started doing it on my own, so I'm mad at them for doing it, but they couldn't have known, but I wish they hadn't and I get angry at them for doing it. I struggle with forgiving and letting go (a topic for another day).
The only thing good that came out of all of this was that when I had my child, I constantly worried over him becoming the fat kid. I made sure I took him out to play frequently, I tried to get him to eat healthy and I used other positive ways to cheer him up instead of food. Yes, I actually managed to do this without a therapist's advice years ago. What I ended up with was an active child who had his father's metabolism who refuses to eat anything but pizza, chicken nuggets and fishsticks despite my introduction of other foods.
Unfortunately, it was a double-edged sword and I also became obsessive over my son's weight. Never around my son, but to my husband I would constantly voice my concern that he was either 1 or 2 pounds underweight for his age or overweight for his age and my husband would have to bring me back down to Earth and remind me that he's healthy and active and a growing boy and that he is not overweight.
So now, I have added on to the list of things that need work:
- letting go of the past
- forgiving my parents
- stop playing the blame game
- stop obsessing over my child's weight (he's not fat)
Today is therapy day. I'm looking forward to my appointment so I can discuss something shocking I've recently discovered about myself. Losing weight sends me into panic mode. I actually fear losing weight. Hmm. I'm not sure what to make of this. We'll see what happens at my appointment.
Happy Friday! See you next week.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Binge Eating, for the Uninitiated
And while I'm at it, let me Google that for you. No, I'm not going to actually sit here and explain what binge eating is because that's not what my blog is for. However, before I continue with this post, I feel I am obligated to say that I don't work in the medical field, I don't have vast medical knowledge, I like Google, I listen to my doctors and anything I say on my blog relates only to me. If you share similar experiences and you have concerns about your own health, see your physician.
With that out of the way, I want to talk a little today about something I've been struggling a lot with lately. My binge eating. In the beginning, when I started my therapy back in March, I felt like I wasn't struggling with it at all. It might have been because I was losing weight, I was eating healthy, keeping my food journal and everything was going great. Of course, I couldn't even recognize patterns of binge eating then, so it was probably easy for me to say I wasn't struggling with it.
Lately it's been worse and I do notice now, a few months down the road, that much of my binge eating is attached to how I feel. It goes with stress, depression, anxiety and worry. I do fine when I'm happy. I don't use food for when I'm feeling good. However at the first sign of feeling bad, food becomes a way to feel ... not good. It's not good, the way it makes me feel, but temporarily less [whatever it was I was currently feeling]. I'm not sure there is a way to make someone understand who isn't a binge eater, but I'll try here soon.
Last week I had the worst episode in four months since starting therapy and becoming aware of the actual compulsive feeling that drives me to put food into my mouth when I am upset. As I sat here sobbing at my computer, trying to fight this feeling of wanting to eat so I could stop crying and stop feeling so horrible, my husband did his best to console me. I felt badly for my husband, because he couldn't understand, though he did his best to and eventually I just gave in and ate so I could stop feeling so damn depressed.
So this is what happened when I ate. Upon eating, the compulsion to eat stopped after a few minutes and I felt better. Unfortunately, feeling better never lasts because then I feel embarrassed, ashamed and depressed about having to eat to feel better. Oddly (and thankfully) though, this doesn't actually trigger more eating although in the past is may have. I haven't worked out why not and for now I will just count my blessings that it didn't this time.
What I do know, is what triggered this particular episode was mood swings thanks to mother nature - yes, it was that time of the month. Which, hey, thanks to losing weight I now see every month. For the last three months I have had mother nature pay me a visit. Not my favorite part of losing weight, though my therapist likes to tell me it's a good thing, because it means things are returning to normal in my body. On top of that, I do actually suffer from a mood disorder so mood swings are really intense. But, I digress.
Now, my therapist keeps asking me in session what I'm going to do about these times when the compulsions to eat hit me and I still don't know. She doesn't offer me any suggestions so I'm guessing I'm suppose to figure it out myself and that pisses me off but I'll get into my anger and food (and therapy) another day. In the meantime, I will continue to work on it and I will ask for help when I'm ready.
So, I want to give to you an example of what it is like for me to have an intense compulsive binging episode. This isn't actually what happens, I'm putting it into a situation where you can understand it. Imagine having a little voice whispering in your head constantly and it just keeps saying over and over again, "Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, you should eat, eat something, eat, eat, eat, by the way get up and eat, eat, eat, eat, why don't you eat, go eat, eat, eat..." This goes on and on until you finally, to get the voice to shut the hell up, you get up and go eat.
Ok, that's what it's like. There is no actual voice, the voice is the compulsion, a feeling that is there, driving me to go eat that is so pressing that it wont stop until I put food in my mouth, chew and swallow. There is actually a feeling of relief that when I eat, it's gone and I feel free of it. Then starts that cycle of regret, shame, depression... you know, as I explained earlier.
That is binge eating, for me. It comes with obesity, unfortunately and I am fighting it now. I think I have allowed myself to become a victim of my emotions and have been holding myself hostage in my own body of fat. It sucks that I've allowed it to happen so long, that I waited until I was the age that I am, the weight that I am to try to take back my life but here I am doing something about it. At the same time, I realize (thanks to therapy) this started as a child, so I'm not sure that I could have stopped it from happening because I didn't know it was going on.
Anyway, a couple months ago, I didn't think that losing a couple pounds was anything to be proud of and I certainly wouldn't have been patting myself on the back but I think I can now. I'm not too proud of myself, but I think this is a small success. I'm sticking to it. I'm really doing it. I haven't given up. My therapist would probably frown or sigh heavily at me for not being more positive about the changes I've made so far, for me accepting this is a big step.
I am getting there, however, and I have decided that I am not going to let my binging episodes stop me from being a success. I accept that they might still (read as: will) happen until I learn how to control them or prevent them and until then I will pick myself up and keep going. I'm not a failure just because of this bump in the road. I will prevail.
With that out of the way, I want to talk a little today about something I've been struggling a lot with lately. My binge eating. In the beginning, when I started my therapy back in March, I felt like I wasn't struggling with it at all. It might have been because I was losing weight, I was eating healthy, keeping my food journal and everything was going great. Of course, I couldn't even recognize patterns of binge eating then, so it was probably easy for me to say I wasn't struggling with it.
Lately it's been worse and I do notice now, a few months down the road, that much of my binge eating is attached to how I feel. It goes with stress, depression, anxiety and worry. I do fine when I'm happy. I don't use food for when I'm feeling good. However at the first sign of feeling bad, food becomes a way to feel ... not good. It's not good, the way it makes me feel, but temporarily less [whatever it was I was currently feeling]. I'm not sure there is a way to make someone understand who isn't a binge eater, but I'll try here soon.
Last week I had the worst episode in four months since starting therapy and becoming aware of the actual compulsive feeling that drives me to put food into my mouth when I am upset. As I sat here sobbing at my computer, trying to fight this feeling of wanting to eat so I could stop crying and stop feeling so horrible, my husband did his best to console me. I felt badly for my husband, because he couldn't understand, though he did his best to and eventually I just gave in and ate so I could stop feeling so damn depressed.
So this is what happened when I ate. Upon eating, the compulsion to eat stopped after a few minutes and I felt better. Unfortunately, feeling better never lasts because then I feel embarrassed, ashamed and depressed about having to eat to feel better. Oddly (and thankfully) though, this doesn't actually trigger more eating although in the past is may have. I haven't worked out why not and for now I will just count my blessings that it didn't this time.
What I do know, is what triggered this particular episode was mood swings thanks to mother nature - yes, it was that time of the month. Which, hey, thanks to losing weight I now see every month. For the last three months I have had mother nature pay me a visit. Not my favorite part of losing weight, though my therapist likes to tell me it's a good thing, because it means things are returning to normal in my body. On top of that, I do actually suffer from a mood disorder so mood swings are really intense. But, I digress.
Now, my therapist keeps asking me in session what I'm going to do about these times when the compulsions to eat hit me and I still don't know. She doesn't offer me any suggestions so I'm guessing I'm suppose to figure it out myself and that pisses me off but I'll get into my anger and food (and therapy) another day. In the meantime, I will continue to work on it and I will ask for help when I'm ready.
So, I want to give to you an example of what it is like for me to have an intense compulsive binging episode. This isn't actually what happens, I'm putting it into a situation where you can understand it. Imagine having a little voice whispering in your head constantly and it just keeps saying over and over again, "Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, you should eat, eat something, eat, eat, eat, by the way get up and eat, eat, eat, eat, why don't you eat, go eat, eat, eat..." This goes on and on until you finally, to get the voice to shut the hell up, you get up and go eat.
Ok, that's what it's like. There is no actual voice, the voice is the compulsion, a feeling that is there, driving me to go eat that is so pressing that it wont stop until I put food in my mouth, chew and swallow. There is actually a feeling of relief that when I eat, it's gone and I feel free of it. Then starts that cycle of regret, shame, depression... you know, as I explained earlier.
That is binge eating, for me. It comes with obesity, unfortunately and I am fighting it now. I think I have allowed myself to become a victim of my emotions and have been holding myself hostage in my own body of fat. It sucks that I've allowed it to happen so long, that I waited until I was the age that I am, the weight that I am to try to take back my life but here I am doing something about it. At the same time, I realize (thanks to therapy) this started as a child, so I'm not sure that I could have stopped it from happening because I didn't know it was going on.
Anyway, a couple months ago, I didn't think that losing a couple pounds was anything to be proud of and I certainly wouldn't have been patting myself on the back but I think I can now. I'm not too proud of myself, but I think this is a small success. I'm sticking to it. I'm really doing it. I haven't given up. My therapist would probably frown or sigh heavily at me for not being more positive about the changes I've made so far, for me accepting this is a big step.
I am getting there, however, and I have decided that I am not going to let my binging episodes stop me from being a success. I accept that they might still (read as: will) happen until I learn how to control them or prevent them and until then I will pick myself up and keep going. I'm not a failure just because of this bump in the road. I will prevail.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Hello, Scale, my nemisis.
I enjoyed my weight loss more before I owned my scale, because I only knew how much weight I was losing twice a month when I would see either my dietitian or one of my other various physicians. This meant, I couldn't obsess over it at home.
For some reason, at a later time I thought it would be a good idea to get a scale. I don't even recall why I thought it would be a good idea. I told myself that I would get one and that ... eh, it wasn't even going to be a big deal. Once a month, on the first, I'd weigh myself so three times a month I'd have my weight. Once at home, twice at the doctors. That's not going overboard in a one month period, I had felt, so I bought myself this scale.
Well, technically, I asked my mother to buy this scale for me because it was expensive. Scales that are capable of holding someone at my weight are priced significantly higher and fall outside the price range of what was affordable. So I finally had this shiny new scale, I set it up in my kitchen and used it many times the first day I had it because it was cool! It was digital and it talked.
Ok, it was cool that it talked for everyone else, I quickly learned. It was not so cool to hear it talk out my weight. I was like a cat with it's fur raised hissing at this thing. Evil. You would think it would stop me from suddenly becoming obsessed with weighing myself. It did not. I suddenly went from only weighing myself once a month to only weighing myself once a week which also lasted about half a day. I was weighing myself several times a week. I couldn't keep myself off this thing.
I can say with certainty that owning a scale, for me, was a bad idea. Already having several weight related issues to deal with (that I'm sure will have future individual posts dedicated to them), I now had to deal with getting on this thing every morning and letting it set the mood for my day. Would I be happy to see it go down or depressed that it stayed the same or angry all day that it went up?
I spent weeks going through this same thing day after day before I finally took the scale, shoved it in a closet and felt blessedly free from the wretched cycle. I let it sit there for a while, not a long time, because I couldn't let the scale win. So after about two weeks I took it out and put it back on the floor and this time I felt more ready to have a relationship with my scale.
I didn't have any kind of great epiphany while it was in the closet. I had a couple therapy sessions where I cried about it and talked to my therapist and worked on my hatred for it. I did decide that I wouldn't let the numbers on there be the deciding factor on whether or not I was going to have a good day. Sometime, I still weigh myself two days in a row and sometimes I don't weigh myself at all for an entire week - and I try to do that more often than not.
To be honest, sometimes I still get mad at the scale, but I choose not to stay mad and I don't let it ruin my entire day.
For some reason, at a later time I thought it would be a good idea to get a scale. I don't even recall why I thought it would be a good idea. I told myself that I would get one and that ... eh, it wasn't even going to be a big deal. Once a month, on the first, I'd weigh myself so three times a month I'd have my weight. Once at home, twice at the doctors. That's not going overboard in a one month period, I had felt, so I bought myself this scale.
Well, technically, I asked my mother to buy this scale for me because it was expensive. Scales that are capable of holding someone at my weight are priced significantly higher and fall outside the price range of what was affordable. So I finally had this shiny new scale, I set it up in my kitchen and used it many times the first day I had it because it was cool! It was digital and it talked.
Ok, it was cool that it talked for everyone else, I quickly learned. It was not so cool to hear it talk out my weight. I was like a cat with it's fur raised hissing at this thing. Evil. You would think it would stop me from suddenly becoming obsessed with weighing myself. It did not. I suddenly went from only weighing myself once a month to only weighing myself once a week which also lasted about half a day. I was weighing myself several times a week. I couldn't keep myself off this thing.
I can say with certainty that owning a scale, for me, was a bad idea. Already having several weight related issues to deal with (that I'm sure will have future individual posts dedicated to them), I now had to deal with getting on this thing every morning and letting it set the mood for my day. Would I be happy to see it go down or depressed that it stayed the same or angry all day that it went up?
I spent weeks going through this same thing day after day before I finally took the scale, shoved it in a closet and felt blessedly free from the wretched cycle. I let it sit there for a while, not a long time, because I couldn't let the scale win. So after about two weeks I took it out and put it back on the floor and this time I felt more ready to have a relationship with my scale.
I didn't have any kind of great epiphany while it was in the closet. I had a couple therapy sessions where I cried about it and talked to my therapist and worked on my hatred for it. I did decide that I wouldn't let the numbers on there be the deciding factor on whether or not I was going to have a good day. Sometime, I still weigh myself two days in a row and sometimes I don't weigh myself at all for an entire week - and I try to do that more often than not.
To be honest, sometimes I still get mad at the scale, but I choose not to stay mad and I don't let it ruin my entire day.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Fat People Are Unintelligent
I probably just pissed off a lot of fat people with my title. Chances are, I got their attention, too. Don't worry, fat people, I'm fat, too. I've been chubby, mildly overweight, heavyset and now morbidly obese . It was my parents' fault when I was a child, it was my fault as an adult. There were definitely some other factors involved that attributed to my weight gain including medications and mood disorders such as depression but as an adult I take responsibility for my part in my weight gain.
Perhaps you, the skinny person or maybe even the overweight person, look at me and you judge me because obviously I must lack smarts to allow myself to get this big. Did I not know what I was doing? Yes, I did. It didn't stop me from being the emotional eater when I was down, or rarely exercising or eating poorly. Still sounds like I'm unintelligent right now, doesn't it? I'm getting to that, I promise.
I wanted to lose weight. I tried, many times. I tried paid programs and failed, I tried diets and failed, I could never seem to get it right. What the hell was I doing wrong? Why couldn't I get it when other people seemed to be able to? Why couldn't I stick with things or understand what was going on?
Did you happen to read the little blurb (description) about this blog where I go to say that I suffer from a binge eating disorder? What it had come down to was me going to a bariatric surgeon for the gastric bypass. For those who don't know, this involves many tests, including a psychiatric evaluation. I wasn't looking for the label of binge eating disorder and I didn't know it existed. In fact, when I was turned down for the surgery because I was diagnosed as having this disorder, I was in disbelief and in denial.
I'm not going to go on here and use this as my excuse to be fat. It's the reason for being uneducated as to why I couldn't commit to weight loss and why I was repeatedly failing at losing weight. Now that I know, I am taking steps in the right direction to do something about it. Therefor, I am not unintelligent, I am learning from the information I have gained and I am finally improving myself. I just needed the right teacher.
So here is where I shock you and tell you I'm skinny now and you can do it, too, in these easy steps! Just kidding. I'm still fat. Are you kidding? I just started this process in January (2010) with the surgeon. My weight was 462lbs. He told me that before I could even be considered for the surgery I would have to lose 25lbs on my own. It was at the end of February that I had my psychiatric review where the woman told me she wanted me to find a cognitive behavioral therapist for binge eating disorder.
What I am going to say is that I really don't want the surgery. I never really did, but I was scared of dying from being fat and I didn't know what else to do. Between seeing this therapist once a week who specializes in eating disorders and seeing this dietitian once a month, I'm losing weight slowly but I am losing weight. This morning I am 427lbs and I am happy that I am not 462lbs this morning. Sometimes I still binge eat, I only just started being able to identify when I do it. It's depressing, but I'm working on it.
So, this is what my blog is for - a place for me to talk about what losing weight is like for me. It might be the emotional things, it might be the people in my life that contribute to what causes me to eat or the emotions that make me feel like I want to eat, maybe the motivations or goals I have. Either way, it's for me. I'm not trying to be an inspiration for other people, I'm just trying to be an inspiration for myself. A reminder to keep going, I guess. I keep my food journal offline, I don't need to do that here. I will try not to whine! Sometimes I will be positive, sometimes I might be negative but hopefully all of this will be cathartic for me.
Maybe you're losing weight, maybe you've lost weight, even if you aren't a binge eater and you've just struggled with being heavy and you want to comment, that's cool. I really want to hear from you. But you want to troll? This really isn't the place for you. I'm never going to post pictures, I wont be your thinspiration and don't want to hear about how you're so fat at size 2 and wish you were a size 0, I won't be target for your mean spirited comments. I may be a faceless person on the internet but I am a person with feelings and ask you to move on and not bother me.
If you're still reading at this point (long winded, aren't I) then I thank you for sticking around. See you next post.
Perhaps you, the skinny person or maybe even the overweight person, look at me and you judge me because obviously I must lack smarts to allow myself to get this big. Did I not know what I was doing? Yes, I did. It didn't stop me from being the emotional eater when I was down, or rarely exercising or eating poorly. Still sounds like I'm unintelligent right now, doesn't it? I'm getting to that, I promise.
I wanted to lose weight. I tried, many times. I tried paid programs and failed, I tried diets and failed, I could never seem to get it right. What the hell was I doing wrong? Why couldn't I get it when other people seemed to be able to? Why couldn't I stick with things or understand what was going on?
Did you happen to read the little blurb (description) about this blog where I go to say that I suffer from a binge eating disorder? What it had come down to was me going to a bariatric surgeon for the gastric bypass. For those who don't know, this involves many tests, including a psychiatric evaluation. I wasn't looking for the label of binge eating disorder and I didn't know it existed. In fact, when I was turned down for the surgery because I was diagnosed as having this disorder, I was in disbelief and in denial.
I'm not going to go on here and use this as my excuse to be fat. It's the reason for being uneducated as to why I couldn't commit to weight loss and why I was repeatedly failing at losing weight. Now that I know, I am taking steps in the right direction to do something about it. Therefor, I am not unintelligent, I am learning from the information I have gained and I am finally improving myself. I just needed the right teacher.
So here is where I shock you and tell you I'm skinny now and you can do it, too, in these easy steps! Just kidding. I'm still fat. Are you kidding? I just started this process in January (2010) with the surgeon. My weight was 462lbs. He told me that before I could even be considered for the surgery I would have to lose 25lbs on my own. It was at the end of February that I had my psychiatric review where the woman told me she wanted me to find a cognitive behavioral therapist for binge eating disorder.
What I am going to say is that I really don't want the surgery. I never really did, but I was scared of dying from being fat and I didn't know what else to do. Between seeing this therapist once a week who specializes in eating disorders and seeing this dietitian once a month, I'm losing weight slowly but I am losing weight. This morning I am 427lbs and I am happy that I am not 462lbs this morning. Sometimes I still binge eat, I only just started being able to identify when I do it. It's depressing, but I'm working on it.
So, this is what my blog is for - a place for me to talk about what losing weight is like for me. It might be the emotional things, it might be the people in my life that contribute to what causes me to eat or the emotions that make me feel like I want to eat, maybe the motivations or goals I have. Either way, it's for me. I'm not trying to be an inspiration for other people, I'm just trying to be an inspiration for myself. A reminder to keep going, I guess. I keep my food journal offline, I don't need to do that here. I will try not to whine! Sometimes I will be positive, sometimes I might be negative but hopefully all of this will be cathartic for me.
Maybe you're losing weight, maybe you've lost weight, even if you aren't a binge eater and you've just struggled with being heavy and you want to comment, that's cool. I really want to hear from you. But you want to troll? This really isn't the place for you. I'm never going to post pictures, I wont be your thinspiration and don't want to hear about how you're so fat at size 2 and wish you were a size 0, I won't be target for your mean spirited comments. I may be a faceless person on the internet but I am a person with feelings and ask you to move on and not bother me.
If you're still reading at this point (long winded, aren't I) then I thank you for sticking around. See you next post.
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